So, my next stop on my journey into nucelar holocaust drama is 1984s "Threads".
Like "The War Game" before it (which had yet to be shown on television, despite being made nearly 20 years previously) Threads is a Drama-Documentary, however unlike The War Game, Threads has a series of characters which it follows over the course of about 25 years.
Threads was, and still is, considered somewhat harrowing viewing, as like its 60s predecessor, it pulls no punches in showing the horrible effects of a nuclear war on British society.
Set in "modern day", i.e, the early 1980s, Threads follows the fortunes of 3 groups of people, The Beckett Family, the Kemp family, and Sheffields emergency planning committee.
The narration of the story comes in the form of on screen "teletype" style captions, giving information relevant to on screen events and marking the passage of time.
The story begins with Ruth and Jimmy, a young couple who decide to marry after Ruth falls pregnant. While both families go about their daily lives, news reports heard playing in the background on radios and TV sets state that the USSR has invaded Iran, in response, NATO forces mobilise and the USSR is issued with a warning to withdraw otherwise the NATO countries would step in to protect western economic interests in the region (in other words..oil..oh look, how familiar is that eh?).
As relations between NATO and the USSR begin to fizzle away, the home office instructs Sheffield city council to form an emergency planning committee, to be based in the cellar of the city hall. Local councillors and civil servants are chosen to sit on the committee and begin setting up their "command centre" of sorts, not really expecting anything to happen.
As the preparations are made, numerous protests occur, firstly from anti nuclear campaigners, and then later by trade unionists, calling for a general strike in protest at the prospect of war.
The on screen captions state that the police are given emergency powers to arrest and detain both known and suspected subversives in order to maintain calm.
Despite all these preapartions however, on one May morning, whilst it is still night time in the US, "Attack warning red" is broadcast, meaning that world war 3 has begun.
(it is left deliberately ambiguous as to who fired first, although one news report states that US forces in west Germany detonated a tactical nuclear weapon over advancing Soviet troops in order to prevent the invasion of western Europe).
Within minutes, a soviet missile airburst over the north sea knocks out all electrical systems in northern England, and soon after, missiles begin impacting on major targets such as RAF Finningley, the Sheffield steelworks and mining areas.
As is the norm for nuclear warfare, anyone or anything caught in a primary blast zone is immediately vapourised, anything in the secondary blast zones either bursts into flames from the intense heat, or is pulverised by the blast wave.
Jimmys family, the Kemps, rush to complete their fallout shelter in their home, but are unable to fully complete it when the first missile strike hits. Jimmys younger brother is killed as he hides in Jimmys aviary, and Jimmys parents are injured as their house begins to collapse around them.
Jimmy himself, who is at work at the time of the attack, sets off running to try and get to Ruth, he is never seen again.
Ruths family, including her grandmother, who was sent home from the hospital she was in in order to make room for the expected wounded and injured, fare slightly better than the Kemps, due to them all taking shelter in their cellar, however, even with this makeshift shelter, radiation sickness begins to take its toll. An on screen caption points out that in its early stages, the symptoms of radiation sickness are indistinguishable from panic.
In total, 3000 megatons are exchanged worldwide, with approximately 150 megatons falling in the UK.
The emergency planning committee, or, at least those who bothered to turn up for work that morning, are trapped in their underground shelter, imprisoned by the rubble of the destroyed town hall. One of their number is killed by falling masonary, however their radio still functions, and after several attempts, they are able to make contact with remnants of the civil defence volunteers in nearby Stocksbridge, who tell them that due to raging fires and heavy radioactive fallout, it will be some time before a rescue attempt can be made.
A week passes, and many of those injured in the attack are already dead, and the streets are littered with rotting corpses and vermin. Without social infrastructure, the few functioning hospitals in the area quickly run out of essential medical supplies, even sundries such as wound dressings, disinfectants and even sharp knives are quickly used up, and doctors are forced to improvise, one scene shows nurses ripping up blankets to use in place of bandages, ans salt being mixed with hot water to be used in place of disinfectant.
Ruths grandma dies from the initial onset of radiation sickness, and, while her father drags the body upstairs, Ruth escapes and goes in search of Jimmy, however when she arrives at the Kemp family home, she finds Jimmys mothers rotting corpse abandoned in their half finished shelter. Jimmys father is later seen swapping a packet of cigarettes for a bottle of whisky with another survivor, but he soon succumbs to radiation and dies.
In the 2 weeks Ruth takes to return home from trying to find Jimmy, The Becketts house is invaded by looters and both her parents are killed.
Civil order breaks down rapidly, and in one of this films most iconic scenes, a traffic warden is shown wielding an assault rifle and being assigned to guard prisoners captured while looting or rioting, however before long, civil defence forces simply shoot looters on sight, as dead people don't need to be fed.
The emergency planning committee struggles to come up with any effective means of keeping up a steady supply of food and materials for the survivors above ground, and take to arguing amongst themselves ineffectively.
Within 2 months, radiation sickness, starvation, dehydration and infection have killed roughly 40 million people worldwide, with their corpses lying unburied due to lack of fuel to cremate them and a waste of energy feeding people to dig graves, this leads to outbreaks of diseases such as cholera and dysentery, which leads to even more deaths due to the lack of the most basic medicines or even clean drinking water.
At this time, rescuers finally manage to unearth the emergency planning committees bunker, only to find all its occupants have died from suffocation.
6 months down the line and winter sets in , which is not helped by the presence of a "nuclear winter" beforehand, which has pretty much killed off all the plants and crops, leading to less food available than ever.
By now, Ruth is heavilly pregnant and having ignored "official" advice, such as it is, to remain in her home town, she has walked 20 miles to Buxton, where the remaining local authority billets her to stay in a house occupied by an old man, who promptly throws her and other refugees out into the street once the police have left as he refuses to share his meagre food supplies with strangers.
Ruth carries on wandering and eventually gives birth to a baby girl in an abandoned barn (the end credits name this child as "Jane")
A year after the war, and a caption states that the population of the UK is now estimated to be less than 3 million people, and although in some areas manual coal mining has resumed, as well as the use of steam powered traction engines for farming, the lack of agrochemicals, pesticides and fertilizers means that crop harvests are poor.
Ruth is shown attempting to barter with a street peddler, however he isn't interested in any of the scrap items she is carrying, and instead in exchange for 3 dead rats, he demands sexual services.
Ruth is then shown running from civil defence personnel after stealing a bag of grain, which she then crushes on the floor of a house she is hiding in by using a rusted metal bucket in order to get something edible for her child.
10 years later, Ruth is shown working in the rudimentary fields tilling soil, however the caption states that due to damage to the ozone layer, the light is heavy with ultraviolet radiation, leading to cataracts becoming widespread and increased risk of cancer. during her work period, Ruth collapses, and is shown to have cataracts and to look much older than her years due to radiation exposure.
Ruth and Jane live in a makeshift home, Jane attempts to wake Ruth up for work, however Ruth dies silently, Jane, who has grown up in a world without education or any kind of social interaction, stares emotionlessly at her mothers body, before taking Ruths scarf and hairbrush before leaving.
3 more years pass and Jane appears to have picked up two male companions. None of the three "post war" children can speak proper English, instead communicating by a series of grunts, broken sentences and slang. Jane is then shown running from civil defence personnel, however her companion "Gaz" is shot. Jane and her companion "Spike" escape with some stolen food but as they inspect their booty, Spike rapes Jane.
several months later, Jane is shown wandering through the rubble of a destroyed town, very obviously pregnant. She happens across a makeshift hospital where she pleads with a woman for help as "babbie coming", initially her pleas go unanswered until she gives birth to a stillborn and deformed child, which is handed to her wrapped in a dirty and bloodstained sheet.
The film ends just as Jane screams.
Like "The War Game", this film holds nothing back, and many of the scenes are extremely disturbing to watch, but they are nevertheless a true representation of what the expected effects of a global nuclear conflict would be, in fact, in some ways the scenes are actually rather optimistic.
This is a very good film, well made and very evocative and is recommended highly.
If you would like to watch this film, click HERE
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
Monday, 30 September 2013
Aint War Hell? - The War Game (BBC 1965)
"The War Game" is a 1965 docu-drama-film about the effects of a global nuclear war, set in contemporary times (ie, the late '60s).
Originally planned to be shown as part of the BBCs "The Wednesday Play" series (which ran in a weekly prime time slot from 1964 until 1970) the play/film was a groundbreaking and exceptionally honest portrayal of the state of affairs in Britain at the time and showed the total and complete lack of understanding about just what would happen should world war 3 actually occur.
As such, when viewed by the BBC governors and government officials prior to its broadcast, the program was immediately pulled from the broadcast schedules, and wasnt shown in full on television until 1985.
This was due to the fact that the brutally honest style of filming, using actual quotes and recreations of government procedures, as well as interviews with real people in the street regarding the various topics related to nuclear war would have heavilly damaged the carefully crafted government image that nuclear war wasnt really all that different from the use of conventional bombs, and that the government could be trusted to get things up and running again following a nuclear exchange.
Plot wise, the film doesnt particularly follow any particular person, or group of people, but instead recreates a snapshot of life in and around a typical english town in Kent.
The build up to "the war" happens completely off camera, and centres around a Chinese invasion of south Vietnam (which incidentally was a very real portent of things to come in the Vietnam war which was kicking off at the time this film was made) in response ot this, the NATO powers begin mobilising against China, but, to show solidarity with their communist friends, the USSR mobilises its forces in east Germany, eventually invading west Berlin.
In response to this, the US president (Ed Bishop) issues an ultimatum to the USSR, leave West Germany or else!.
Open warfare soon breaks out between the NATO and warsaw pact countries in Germany, and talk soon comes round to the use of tactical nuclear weapons.
In Britain, which the narrator points out has more targets for nuclear missiles than the entire continental United States due to its high concentrations of military staging areas, missile launching facilities and industrial and manufacturing facilities, the populations of large cities are graded with a rating of 1 to 5, and then evacuated to towns in the country or in remote areas like Wales or the Lake district.
The vast majority of these evacuees are young women and children, any men over the age of 18 are to remain behind in the cities, either to continue working or to fight should there be an invasion.
Preparations for war are shown, firstly in the form of civil defence volunteers going door to door handing out booklets , which it is remarked have been available for some time, but did not sell well due to their asking price of 9d, so no one has really read their content, much less have had time to build fallout shelters as described in the book.
Profiteering soon becomes rife, with people selling sandbags, wood and sand for ridiculous prices, and shop owners begin selling tinned food and supplies for vastly inflated markups, all the while, evacuees are forced to live with complete strangers under threat of imprisonment under the emergency powers act.
Interviews with people in the street show the level of ignorance the general public had about a nuclear war, with one woman referring to Strontium-90 as "some sort of gunpowder" and people not knowing what effects radioactive fallout would have on them other than it being "some sort of dust that makes you ill if you swallow it".
The narrator points out at this point that the amount of warning time available for an ICBM strike could be as little as 30 seconds, depending where the missiles were launched from, and at what time of day the launch occurs, and that the standard "3 minute warning" benchmark was more optimistic than realistic.
Eventually, the war begins proper, after the US president orders a pre-emptive tactical nuclear strike against Russian forces who are still holding West Berlin, pretty soon, the ICBMs start flying.
The village , although not a target, is hit by a stray missile which was headed for Gatwick airport but failed en route and exploded prematurely, this is shown on screen as a massive white flash in the sky, which immediately vapourises anyone caught out in the open, blinds those who were outside of the blast radius by melting their eyeballs due to the intense light, then the ensuing firestorm and blast wave set fire to anything flammable within its maximum blast radius, and destroy or severely damage any building not strong enough to withstand it.
The following day, radioactive fallout begins slowly killing off those who haven't found shelter, which is just about everyone.
The local authorities struggle to cope with the sudden influx of wounded and dying, and soon rioting and looting becomes commonplace, which increasingly draconian measures fail to curb (the narrator points out that following the firebombing of Dresden during World War 2, it was found that respectable middle class citizens had no qualms whatsoever about resorting to violent looting and theft, while those of the lower classes, from whom this type of behaviour would normally be expected, were less likely to exhibit this behaviour)
Within a month, all civil order has broken down, with policemen and civil defence volunteers being openly beaten, shot and murdered in the streets by looters and thieves, civil food banks find themselves over run and civilisation as it was known vanishes into history as the instinct for survival takes precedence over everything else.
Interviews with people in the street after the war show that following the harrowing events, people enter a state of incurable depression, simply interested in nothing more than finding food, one man states that he was offered £1 (a lot of money for the average person in 1965) for a loaf of bread, but refused it as "you cant eat a pound note".
The film ends by showing a home for war orphans in Dover, where scarred, malnourished and deformed children are brought up by a local priest. None of the children show any interest in life when asked about what their hopes are for the future.
Probably the most disturbing thing about this film is the quotes used which were supplied by various sources at the time.
One actor, dressed as an Anglican priest, reads a statement by another priest who he quotes as saying that he was in favour of there being a nuclear war, simply because God protects the just and would help the righteous smite their enemies.
Another quote, this time from a government official at the time stated that they didn't believe that a global nuclear war would be any worse than the blitz, and that Britain would easily be able to cope with any aftereffects of a war and would be back on its fee tin no time etc etc.
The film is a very well made and very though provoking piece of film, and is highly recommended.
If you wish to view this film, you can do so by clicking HERE
Originally planned to be shown as part of the BBCs "The Wednesday Play" series (which ran in a weekly prime time slot from 1964 until 1970) the play/film was a groundbreaking and exceptionally honest portrayal of the state of affairs in Britain at the time and showed the total and complete lack of understanding about just what would happen should world war 3 actually occur.
As such, when viewed by the BBC governors and government officials prior to its broadcast, the program was immediately pulled from the broadcast schedules, and wasnt shown in full on television until 1985.
This was due to the fact that the brutally honest style of filming, using actual quotes and recreations of government procedures, as well as interviews with real people in the street regarding the various topics related to nuclear war would have heavilly damaged the carefully crafted government image that nuclear war wasnt really all that different from the use of conventional bombs, and that the government could be trusted to get things up and running again following a nuclear exchange.
Plot wise, the film doesnt particularly follow any particular person, or group of people, but instead recreates a snapshot of life in and around a typical english town in Kent.
The build up to "the war" happens completely off camera, and centres around a Chinese invasion of south Vietnam (which incidentally was a very real portent of things to come in the Vietnam war which was kicking off at the time this film was made) in response ot this, the NATO powers begin mobilising against China, but, to show solidarity with their communist friends, the USSR mobilises its forces in east Germany, eventually invading west Berlin.
In response to this, the US president (Ed Bishop) issues an ultimatum to the USSR, leave West Germany or else!.
Open warfare soon breaks out between the NATO and warsaw pact countries in Germany, and talk soon comes round to the use of tactical nuclear weapons.
In Britain, which the narrator points out has more targets for nuclear missiles than the entire continental United States due to its high concentrations of military staging areas, missile launching facilities and industrial and manufacturing facilities, the populations of large cities are graded with a rating of 1 to 5, and then evacuated to towns in the country or in remote areas like Wales or the Lake district.
The vast majority of these evacuees are young women and children, any men over the age of 18 are to remain behind in the cities, either to continue working or to fight should there be an invasion.
Preparations for war are shown, firstly in the form of civil defence volunteers going door to door handing out booklets , which it is remarked have been available for some time, but did not sell well due to their asking price of 9d, so no one has really read their content, much less have had time to build fallout shelters as described in the book.
Profiteering soon becomes rife, with people selling sandbags, wood and sand for ridiculous prices, and shop owners begin selling tinned food and supplies for vastly inflated markups, all the while, evacuees are forced to live with complete strangers under threat of imprisonment under the emergency powers act.
Interviews with people in the street show the level of ignorance the general public had about a nuclear war, with one woman referring to Strontium-90 as "some sort of gunpowder" and people not knowing what effects radioactive fallout would have on them other than it being "some sort of dust that makes you ill if you swallow it".
The narrator points out at this point that the amount of warning time available for an ICBM strike could be as little as 30 seconds, depending where the missiles were launched from, and at what time of day the launch occurs, and that the standard "3 minute warning" benchmark was more optimistic than realistic.
Eventually, the war begins proper, after the US president orders a pre-emptive tactical nuclear strike against Russian forces who are still holding West Berlin, pretty soon, the ICBMs start flying.
The village , although not a target, is hit by a stray missile which was headed for Gatwick airport but failed en route and exploded prematurely, this is shown on screen as a massive white flash in the sky, which immediately vapourises anyone caught out in the open, blinds those who were outside of the blast radius by melting their eyeballs due to the intense light, then the ensuing firestorm and blast wave set fire to anything flammable within its maximum blast radius, and destroy or severely damage any building not strong enough to withstand it.
The following day, radioactive fallout begins slowly killing off those who haven't found shelter, which is just about everyone.
The local authorities struggle to cope with the sudden influx of wounded and dying, and soon rioting and looting becomes commonplace, which increasingly draconian measures fail to curb (the narrator points out that following the firebombing of Dresden during World War 2, it was found that respectable middle class citizens had no qualms whatsoever about resorting to violent looting and theft, while those of the lower classes, from whom this type of behaviour would normally be expected, were less likely to exhibit this behaviour)
Within a month, all civil order has broken down, with policemen and civil defence volunteers being openly beaten, shot and murdered in the streets by looters and thieves, civil food banks find themselves over run and civilisation as it was known vanishes into history as the instinct for survival takes precedence over everything else.
Interviews with people in the street after the war show that following the harrowing events, people enter a state of incurable depression, simply interested in nothing more than finding food, one man states that he was offered £1 (a lot of money for the average person in 1965) for a loaf of bread, but refused it as "you cant eat a pound note".
The film ends by showing a home for war orphans in Dover, where scarred, malnourished and deformed children are brought up by a local priest. None of the children show any interest in life when asked about what their hopes are for the future.
Probably the most disturbing thing about this film is the quotes used which were supplied by various sources at the time.
One actor, dressed as an Anglican priest, reads a statement by another priest who he quotes as saying that he was in favour of there being a nuclear war, simply because God protects the just and would help the righteous smite their enemies.
Another quote, this time from a government official at the time stated that they didn't believe that a global nuclear war would be any worse than the blitz, and that Britain would easily be able to cope with any aftereffects of a war and would be back on its fee tin no time etc etc.
The film is a very well made and very though provoking piece of film, and is highly recommended.
If you wish to view this film, you can do so by clicking HERE
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Anime Review - Diatron 5 (Korea, 1985)
Yeahhh.....
During the late 70s and early 80s the South Korean animation industry regarded the Japanese animation industry with somewhat envious eyes. While the Japanese were pouring out success stories like the Gundam series, Mazinger-Z, Getta robo etc, the Koreans only managed to either do the animations for western cartoon companies, or create poor quality pseudo-anime features.
Diatron 5 is one of these attempts at doing an anime-esque film.
Released in South Korea in 1985, Diatron 5 made its way westward not once, but twice during the late 1980s, firstly under the name "Space Transformers" (a horribly dubbed version originating from Hong Kong which made an attempt to cash in on the craze for Transformer toys in the west) and then again in the same year under the more suitable and less suck ass name of "Micro commando Diatron 5" (another fairly badly dubbed US release, which has to be said is superior to "Space Transformers" simply by virtue of the fact that the animation doesnt look like it was taken from a copied VHS video tape)
Diatron 5 is the name of a "super robot", the character model of which is a direct rip off of the "Machine Buffalo" toy from Takaras "Diaclone" toy line, (which also gave use the ultra awesome "Transformers" toy line...yeah baby!) , in fact, all the mecha in this film are direct rip offs of Diaclone toys, which is something these Korean attempts at anime like to do, a lot.
The storyline is thus....*face/palms* at the ready....
In the future, the Earth defence space station (called "Space Station Star Wars" in Space Transformers...*sigh*) monitors the passage of Halleys Comet as it passes near Earth.
Meanwhile, a mysterious assassin breaks into the home of "Ivy" (referred to simply as "Girl Genius" in Micro Commando, and said to be "the most talented girl in the world" in Space Transformers...what is never explained though in the horrid hack job redubs, is that "Ivy" has an amazingly developed sense of precognitism, meaning that she can sense telepathically if the Earth is in danger from attack..etc etc etc *face/palm*) and shoots her several times, but fails to kill her.
Meanwhile in space, the Earth defence command comes under attack by a gang of bad guys (I dunno, space pirates or something, its never really made clear..*face/palm*), who demand Earths immediate and unconditional surrender, taken totally by surprise, the Earth defence command gets its backside thrashed royally by the bad guys super robots (basically, Diaclone "Waruder" combiner robots).
Enter our hero, I forget his name (yes, it really doesnt matter one bit what he is called, this film is that shit) who is exceptionally concerned about Ivy's well being (he wants to fuck her) , however conventional medical help will do no good, as "Professor Ting" states, the bullets she was shot with were filled with some sort of bacteria which is now invading her body and heading towards her heart, and that giving her a massive dose of anti biotics to combat the infection at this stage would actually kill her instead. (What i really dont get about this plot development is, why bother with the bacteriological infection?, why not just use normal bullets, after all, the assassin did shoot her like five times, more than enough to kill the silly bint!... *face/palm*)
HOWEVER!, all hope is not lost, as Professer Ting has a new invention, a shrinking machine!!. He says the best way to fight the infection would be to miniaturise the "Diatron3" (Diaclones "Big Powered" toy) combat robot and sent it in to destroy the infection directly!!!1!!11!one!!!!...(so...definitely NOT a rip off of 1966s "Fantastic Voyage", starring Donald Pleasence and Raquel Welch then?...*face/palm*)
Yeah, so anyways, this plan goes to shit because the robot pilot of Diatron 3 is inept as fuck, so our hero volunteers to have himself shrunk down to micro size and go in for another go himself.
This is where the story gets proper fucked up, because inside Ivy's body, or at least how it is shown on screen, looks NOTHING like the internal organs of the human body.
As it turns out, the "bacteria" are nothing of the sort, and instead our hero finds himself confronted by an army consisting of the main bad guys sister, backed up, rather oddly by a load of their "not-waruder" robots, green skinned horned demons with spears and a guy who looks like a green skinned Mr. Spock.
Needless to say, hero guy manages to defeat the bad guys in Ivy's body using the Diatron 5 robot, before then re-enlarging himself and heading into space to blow up the main bad guys ship as they run away in terror (wow, what an asshole, nothing like shooting someone in the back eh?).
Seriously, this film is awful, in fact, it goes so beyond awful there quite simply arent enough words contained within the sum total of human language to adaquately describe just how fucking bad this film is, and thats saying something.
Firstly, the animation is just SHIT, with heavy reuses of animation its almost like they made about 15 minutes worth of footage and then just recycled it over and over to create the illusion they had made a full movie, hoping that folk wouldnt notice. Also, you get a hell of a lot of bizarre backdrops, for example Ivy seems to have some asteroid fields inside her, as well as cloudy blue skies... WTF?
Secondly, the story is ridiculous. the inside of Ivy's body contains stone castles, kingdoms and living people who live in a medieval type society. WTF?
, also, the numerous large explosions and battles that go off in her innards dont appear to affect her in the slightiest...double WTF??
Finally, Diatron 5s "hero theme"...it goes like this...
"Diaton 5....DIATRON 5!!....fighting for your life...Diatron 5...warrior of justice"...repeated over and over to the tune of some sort of early 80s attempt at synth pop, you know, the sort of attempt which consists of a teenager sitting in their bedroom attempting to play a cheap casio keyboard and thinking they are badass.
So, to sum up, Diatron 5, which incidentally I think sounds like the name of a product you would use to ease stomach related problems, is an absolute horror of an attempt to produce something resembling an anime film. If it were an animal, I would have shot it at birth, then cremated the body, then sealed the ashes in a lead box and tossed it into the deepest ocean trench I could find.
If you would like to torture yourself by watching this piece of shit...click HERE
During the late 70s and early 80s the South Korean animation industry regarded the Japanese animation industry with somewhat envious eyes. While the Japanese were pouring out success stories like the Gundam series, Mazinger-Z, Getta robo etc, the Koreans only managed to either do the animations for western cartoon companies, or create poor quality pseudo-anime features.
Diatron 5 is one of these attempts at doing an anime-esque film.
Released in South Korea in 1985, Diatron 5 made its way westward not once, but twice during the late 1980s, firstly under the name "Space Transformers" (a horribly dubbed version originating from Hong Kong which made an attempt to cash in on the craze for Transformer toys in the west) and then again in the same year under the more suitable and less suck ass name of "Micro commando Diatron 5" (another fairly badly dubbed US release, which has to be said is superior to "Space Transformers" simply by virtue of the fact that the animation doesnt look like it was taken from a copied VHS video tape)
Diatron 5 is the name of a "super robot", the character model of which is a direct rip off of the "Machine Buffalo" toy from Takaras "Diaclone" toy line, (which also gave use the ultra awesome "Transformers" toy line...yeah baby!) , in fact, all the mecha in this film are direct rip offs of Diaclone toys, which is something these Korean attempts at anime like to do, a lot.
The storyline is thus....*face/palms* at the ready....
In the future, the Earth defence space station (called "Space Station Star Wars" in Space Transformers...*sigh*) monitors the passage of Halleys Comet as it passes near Earth.
Meanwhile, a mysterious assassin breaks into the home of "Ivy" (referred to simply as "Girl Genius" in Micro Commando, and said to be "the most talented girl in the world" in Space Transformers...what is never explained though in the horrid hack job redubs, is that "Ivy" has an amazingly developed sense of precognitism, meaning that she can sense telepathically if the Earth is in danger from attack..etc etc etc *face/palm*) and shoots her several times, but fails to kill her.
Meanwhile in space, the Earth defence command comes under attack by a gang of bad guys (I dunno, space pirates or something, its never really made clear..*face/palm*), who demand Earths immediate and unconditional surrender, taken totally by surprise, the Earth defence command gets its backside thrashed royally by the bad guys super robots (basically, Diaclone "Waruder" combiner robots).
Enter our hero, I forget his name (yes, it really doesnt matter one bit what he is called, this film is that shit) who is exceptionally concerned about Ivy's well being (he wants to fuck her) , however conventional medical help will do no good, as "Professor Ting" states, the bullets she was shot with were filled with some sort of bacteria which is now invading her body and heading towards her heart, and that giving her a massive dose of anti biotics to combat the infection at this stage would actually kill her instead. (What i really dont get about this plot development is, why bother with the bacteriological infection?, why not just use normal bullets, after all, the assassin did shoot her like five times, more than enough to kill the silly bint!... *face/palm*)
HOWEVER!, all hope is not lost, as Professer Ting has a new invention, a shrinking machine!!. He says the best way to fight the infection would be to miniaturise the "Diatron3" (Diaclones "Big Powered" toy) combat robot and sent it in to destroy the infection directly!!!1!!11!one!!!!...(so...definitely NOT a rip off of 1966s "Fantastic Voyage", starring Donald Pleasence and Raquel Welch then?...*face/palm*)
Yeah, so anyways, this plan goes to shit because the robot pilot of Diatron 3 is inept as fuck, so our hero volunteers to have himself shrunk down to micro size and go in for another go himself.
This is where the story gets proper fucked up, because inside Ivy's body, or at least how it is shown on screen, looks NOTHING like the internal organs of the human body.
As it turns out, the "bacteria" are nothing of the sort, and instead our hero finds himself confronted by an army consisting of the main bad guys sister, backed up, rather oddly by a load of their "not-waruder" robots, green skinned horned demons with spears and a guy who looks like a green skinned Mr. Spock.
Needless to say, hero guy manages to defeat the bad guys in Ivy's body using the Diatron 5 robot, before then re-enlarging himself and heading into space to blow up the main bad guys ship as they run away in terror (wow, what an asshole, nothing like shooting someone in the back eh?).
Seriously, this film is awful, in fact, it goes so beyond awful there quite simply arent enough words contained within the sum total of human language to adaquately describe just how fucking bad this film is, and thats saying something.
Firstly, the animation is just SHIT, with heavy reuses of animation its almost like they made about 15 minutes worth of footage and then just recycled it over and over to create the illusion they had made a full movie, hoping that folk wouldnt notice. Also, you get a hell of a lot of bizarre backdrops, for example Ivy seems to have some asteroid fields inside her, as well as cloudy blue skies... WTF?
Secondly, the story is ridiculous. the inside of Ivy's body contains stone castles, kingdoms and living people who live in a medieval type society. WTF?
, also, the numerous large explosions and battles that go off in her innards dont appear to affect her in the slightiest...double WTF??
Finally, Diatron 5s "hero theme"...it goes like this...
"Diaton 5....DIATRON 5!!....fighting for your life...Diatron 5...warrior of justice"...repeated over and over to the tune of some sort of early 80s attempt at synth pop, you know, the sort of attempt which consists of a teenager sitting in their bedroom attempting to play a cheap casio keyboard and thinking they are badass.
So, to sum up, Diatron 5, which incidentally I think sounds like the name of a product you would use to ease stomach related problems, is an absolute horror of an attempt to produce something resembling an anime film. If it were an animal, I would have shot it at birth, then cremated the body, then sealed the ashes in a lead box and tossed it into the deepest ocean trench I could find.
If you would like to torture yourself by watching this piece of shit...click HERE
Monday, 29 July 2013
God Only Knows!:- The Pit and The Pendulum (1991)
"The Pit and The Pendulum" (also released for a short time under the title of "The Inquisitor"), is a 1991 adaptation of Edgar Allan Poes short story of the same name.
Directed by Stuart Gordon, this film is a closer adaptation of the original story than the classic 1961 adaptation starring Vincent Price, although the film does incorporate elements of other stories by Poe, most notably "The Cask of Amontillado".
The year is 1492, and the Spanish City of Toledo is in the grip of terror. Friar Tomas de Torquemada (Lance Henriksen), the Grand Inquisitor, leads a holy mission to rid Spain of all sinners and heretics, which he and his cronies approach with murderous and sadistic glee.
The opening scene features Torquemada directing his henchmen to open the tomb of a long dead nobleman, whose dessicated corpse is then informed it has been found guilty of heresy and is sentenced to receive 20 lashes. once the sentence has been carried out, the bones are ground up and Torquemada has them placed in an egg timer. When he informs the noblemans wife that due to her deceased husbands supposed heresy, their fortune and lands are being confiscated by the church, she denounces him as a thief, which earns both her and her children a trip to the inquisitions torture chambers.
Later, as Torquemada presides over the noble womans execution, a young woman in the crowd begs him to show mercy, and as soon as he sees her, Torquemada becomes enthralled by her beauty, which leads him to have her arrested for witchcraft. Over time, Torquemada finds himself becoming more and more lustful towards her, so he offers her a bargain, if she will submit to his lustful desires, he will release her husband.
Throughout the film, Torquemada is seen dabbling with a design for a new torture device, the eponymous "Pit and the Pendulum", consisting of a razor sharp blade which swings from a pendulum and slowly lowers down to slice a victim positioned below it in two, and a pit hidden under a trap door below the victim, which opens to reveal the pit is filled with spikes.
Torquemada explains that he requires the creation of new and more vicious torture devices as people become used to the same tortures, so therefore he has to make sure that the threat of torture remains terrifying to sinners and heretics.
Co stars in this film include Oliver Reed, making a cameo appearance as a cardinal sent by the Pope to investigate the rumours that Torquemadas tortures are becoming too depraved for the Vatican to stomach, and Jeffrey Combs as Francisco, a cleric in the employ of the Inquisition who takes some pleasure in watching others tortured and killed.
The film is a character driven piece of supernatural horror, although there are elements of dark humour in there, one particularly chucklesome example of this is when a witch is being taken to execution and Francisco apologises to her that they didnt have time to torture a full confession out of her before she was executed.
Although little more than a "direct to video" film, which never had a cinema release proper (it was shown at a few film festivals), and suffers from some bargain basement special effects, it is nonetheless a very good film, with Henriksen putting in a brilliant performance as the fanatical and evil Torquemada.
I give it 8 out of 10 sacrificial lambs.
Directed by Stuart Gordon, this film is a closer adaptation of the original story than the classic 1961 adaptation starring Vincent Price, although the film does incorporate elements of other stories by Poe, most notably "The Cask of Amontillado".
The year is 1492, and the Spanish City of Toledo is in the grip of terror. Friar Tomas de Torquemada (Lance Henriksen), the Grand Inquisitor, leads a holy mission to rid Spain of all sinners and heretics, which he and his cronies approach with murderous and sadistic glee.
The opening scene features Torquemada directing his henchmen to open the tomb of a long dead nobleman, whose dessicated corpse is then informed it has been found guilty of heresy and is sentenced to receive 20 lashes. once the sentence has been carried out, the bones are ground up and Torquemada has them placed in an egg timer. When he informs the noblemans wife that due to her deceased husbands supposed heresy, their fortune and lands are being confiscated by the church, she denounces him as a thief, which earns both her and her children a trip to the inquisitions torture chambers.
Later, as Torquemada presides over the noble womans execution, a young woman in the crowd begs him to show mercy, and as soon as he sees her, Torquemada becomes enthralled by her beauty, which leads him to have her arrested for witchcraft. Over time, Torquemada finds himself becoming more and more lustful towards her, so he offers her a bargain, if she will submit to his lustful desires, he will release her husband.
Throughout the film, Torquemada is seen dabbling with a design for a new torture device, the eponymous "Pit and the Pendulum", consisting of a razor sharp blade which swings from a pendulum and slowly lowers down to slice a victim positioned below it in two, and a pit hidden under a trap door below the victim, which opens to reveal the pit is filled with spikes.
Torquemada explains that he requires the creation of new and more vicious torture devices as people become used to the same tortures, so therefore he has to make sure that the threat of torture remains terrifying to sinners and heretics.
Co stars in this film include Oliver Reed, making a cameo appearance as a cardinal sent by the Pope to investigate the rumours that Torquemadas tortures are becoming too depraved for the Vatican to stomach, and Jeffrey Combs as Francisco, a cleric in the employ of the Inquisition who takes some pleasure in watching others tortured and killed.
The film is a character driven piece of supernatural horror, although there are elements of dark humour in there, one particularly chucklesome example of this is when a witch is being taken to execution and Francisco apologises to her that they didnt have time to torture a full confession out of her before she was executed.
Although little more than a "direct to video" film, which never had a cinema release proper (it was shown at a few film festivals), and suffers from some bargain basement special effects, it is nonetheless a very good film, with Henriksen putting in a brilliant performance as the fanatical and evil Torquemada.
I give it 8 out of 10 sacrificial lambs.
Aint War Hell? - Dr. Strangelove (1964)
Dr. Strangelove, or, to give it its correct and full title, "Dr. Strangelove Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb" is a seminal film made in 1964, directed and co-written by Stanley Kubrick.
Based on the book "Red Alert" (also published under the title "Two hours to doom") by author Peter George, the film takes a satirical look at cold war politics, set against the backdrop of attempts to prevent the mutually assured destruction of the human race in a global nuclear conflict.
Peter Sellers, who at the time was considered to be a "bankable" name in films, crams in three roles, fistly as US president Merkin Muffley (a slang name for a pubic wig) , then as RAF exchange officer Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, and then finally as the titular character of "Dr. Strangelove", the ex-Nazi scientific advisor the the president.
Sellers was also cast to play the role of Texan bomber commander Major T.J "King" Kong, however his inability to mimic a texan accent, coupled with an injury which would have prevented him from working on the mock up set of a B-52 bomber meant that the role was recast with veteran western actor Slim Pickens in the role (Pickens was kept unaware that the role was part of a comedy film, so thus he played his part completely straight, or, to put it more honestly, he played the role as himself).
James Earl Jones makes an early film appearance as one of the B-52s crew, and actor George C Scott plays the role of fanatical US General Turgison (Kubrick tricked Scott into playing the role of Turgidson in a far more OTT manner than Scott was willing to play him, simply by telling Scott that he wanted him to do an OTT performance as a warm up to shooting the main scenes, then Kubrick used the scenes in which Scott behaved in a ridiculous manner in the final film. Scott was not pleased with this and refused to ever work with Kubrick again as he felt that Kubrick didn't take his talents seriously)
This film has, quire rightly, been lauded as one of the best films ever made, simply because it presents the very real concern of the outbreak of world war 3 in a manner which, even though acted out in a comedic and somewhat farcical manner, was a very real threat throughout the 60s and 70s, and even though a caption at the beginning of the film states that a situation such as the one presented in the film could never happen, it turned out that findings found after the cold war ended showed that indeed such a situation could have easily occurred on both sides.
The plot is fairly simplistic, but also complicated at the same time, requiring some knowledge of the circumstances of the cold war in order to fully appreciate.
Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper (USAF) blames Soviet fluoridation of drinking water for a single episode or premature ejaculation and the humiliation that resulted from it, and thus his paranoid and ultra nationalistic mind arrives at the conclusion that the only way for hm to be able to preserve the "precious bodily fluids" of honest Americans is to start a nuclear war.
To this end, he uses a little known "Emergency plan R", which would allow air force commanders to make nuclear strikes on Soviet target following the destruction of Washington D.C without authorisation from the president.
To this end, he orders the 843rd bomber wing under his command to proceed to attack their pre assigned targets within the Soviet Union, and, to ensure the bomber crews do not deviate from the plan, their communications are all to be routed through a device called the "CRM-114 Discriminator", which will automatically ignore any radio signals which are not preceded by a three letter code, which only Ripper himself knows.
Very quickly, the forces of the USA and the USSR realise that this isn't a training exersize, and begin frantically working together to stop the mutual annihilation of the human species.
One of the real gems in this film is the way in which the military types are portrayed as being both warmongering and unable to think for themselves, as they blindly follow orders to the letter with no regard or interest in what they are actually doing. The encounter between Mandrake and Colonel "Bat" Guano exemplifies this splendidly, as Mandrake is the only person realistically capable of stopping world war 3, but yet Guanos rigid adherence to his orders delays Mandrake in preventing the war while they argue over semantics and nuances in the orders given to Guano, resulting in some believable and very dark humour which I could actually see happening in real life.
The final scene, featuring Dr. Strangeloves idea for preserving human life after the war, is simply brilliant, and showcases that even as the world is ending around them, the idiots in power are more concerned about staying in power than they are about stopping disaster, especially as it means that they will all basically become entitled to a lifetime of consequence free indiscriminate sex with young female survivors.
D.R Strangelove is most definitely a film that EVERYONE should watch, as aside from beautifully illustrating the total pointlessness of war, it also beautifully points out the uncomfortable fact that most people in positions of power are either completely incompetent, completely inept and/or are only interested in furthering their own gains.
I give this film 10 out of 10 Teller/Ulam devices!
Based on the book "Red Alert" (also published under the title "Two hours to doom") by author Peter George, the film takes a satirical look at cold war politics, set against the backdrop of attempts to prevent the mutually assured destruction of the human race in a global nuclear conflict.
Peter Sellers, who at the time was considered to be a "bankable" name in films, crams in three roles, fistly as US president Merkin Muffley (a slang name for a pubic wig) , then as RAF exchange officer Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, and then finally as the titular character of "Dr. Strangelove", the ex-Nazi scientific advisor the the president.
Sellers was also cast to play the role of Texan bomber commander Major T.J "King" Kong, however his inability to mimic a texan accent, coupled with an injury which would have prevented him from working on the mock up set of a B-52 bomber meant that the role was recast with veteran western actor Slim Pickens in the role (Pickens was kept unaware that the role was part of a comedy film, so thus he played his part completely straight, or, to put it more honestly, he played the role as himself).
James Earl Jones makes an early film appearance as one of the B-52s crew, and actor George C Scott plays the role of fanatical US General Turgison (Kubrick tricked Scott into playing the role of Turgidson in a far more OTT manner than Scott was willing to play him, simply by telling Scott that he wanted him to do an OTT performance as a warm up to shooting the main scenes, then Kubrick used the scenes in which Scott behaved in a ridiculous manner in the final film. Scott was not pleased with this and refused to ever work with Kubrick again as he felt that Kubrick didn't take his talents seriously)
This film has, quire rightly, been lauded as one of the best films ever made, simply because it presents the very real concern of the outbreak of world war 3 in a manner which, even though acted out in a comedic and somewhat farcical manner, was a very real threat throughout the 60s and 70s, and even though a caption at the beginning of the film states that a situation such as the one presented in the film could never happen, it turned out that findings found after the cold war ended showed that indeed such a situation could have easily occurred on both sides.
The plot is fairly simplistic, but also complicated at the same time, requiring some knowledge of the circumstances of the cold war in order to fully appreciate.
Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper (USAF) blames Soviet fluoridation of drinking water for a single episode or premature ejaculation and the humiliation that resulted from it, and thus his paranoid and ultra nationalistic mind arrives at the conclusion that the only way for hm to be able to preserve the "precious bodily fluids" of honest Americans is to start a nuclear war.
To this end, he uses a little known "Emergency plan R", which would allow air force commanders to make nuclear strikes on Soviet target following the destruction of Washington D.C without authorisation from the president.
To this end, he orders the 843rd bomber wing under his command to proceed to attack their pre assigned targets within the Soviet Union, and, to ensure the bomber crews do not deviate from the plan, their communications are all to be routed through a device called the "CRM-114 Discriminator", which will automatically ignore any radio signals which are not preceded by a three letter code, which only Ripper himself knows.
Very quickly, the forces of the USA and the USSR realise that this isn't a training exersize, and begin frantically working together to stop the mutual annihilation of the human species.
One of the real gems in this film is the way in which the military types are portrayed as being both warmongering and unable to think for themselves, as they blindly follow orders to the letter with no regard or interest in what they are actually doing. The encounter between Mandrake and Colonel "Bat" Guano exemplifies this splendidly, as Mandrake is the only person realistically capable of stopping world war 3, but yet Guanos rigid adherence to his orders delays Mandrake in preventing the war while they argue over semantics and nuances in the orders given to Guano, resulting in some believable and very dark humour which I could actually see happening in real life.
The final scene, featuring Dr. Strangeloves idea for preserving human life after the war, is simply brilliant, and showcases that even as the world is ending around them, the idiots in power are more concerned about staying in power than they are about stopping disaster, especially as it means that they will all basically become entitled to a lifetime of consequence free indiscriminate sex with young female survivors.
D.R Strangelove is most definitely a film that EVERYONE should watch, as aside from beautifully illustrating the total pointlessness of war, it also beautifully points out the uncomfortable fact that most people in positions of power are either completely incompetent, completely inept and/or are only interested in furthering their own gains.
I give this film 10 out of 10 Teller/Ulam devices!
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Your face, my FARCE! - The Big Bus (1976)
It became rather fashionable during the 70s for films to be made about large scale disasters, and thus the "Disaster movie" genre was born.
Films like "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure" and "Airport" drew hundreds of people to cinemas worldwide and told melodramatic stories of situations gone horribly wring in various settings.
Inevitably though people got bored of this type of film and satirists began making parodies of the genre, "The Big Bus" being one of them.
Ostensibly a farcical parody of disaster movies in general, "The Big Bus" takes a familiar disaster movie trope, that of a new and untested vehicle intended for public use (similar to how The Poseidon Adventure used a large ship), and subjects it to a series of farcical events in order to maintain a coherent plot, an endeavour in which it is largely successful.
The plot centres on the efforts of the "Coyote Bus Company" (An obvious parody of the Greyhound bus company) to create a bus capable of travelling from New York to Denver non stop, a feat which has never been done before and is considered to be a milestone in human engineering (stay with me on this one...).
The end result is the "Cyclops", a ridiculously massive double decker bus, powered by a small nuclear reactor and containing such luxuries as a swimming pool, restaurant/cocktail lounge and even a bowling alley. The irony of this is is that although the bus itself is massive and contains all this luxury, it can only really carry a small number of passengers, and even then its cramped confines don't allow for them to travel in comfort, even though the bus is classed as being a "1st class luxury conveyance".
Things don't go according to plan though as even before the Cyclops sets off on its epic journey, an iron lung bound billionaire named "Iron Man" (Jose Ferrer) conspires with Arab oil sheiks to destroy the Cyclops in order for them to maintain their monopoly on petroleum based energy.
The film stars some bigish names, Stockard Channing plays the Cyclops' designer and acts as the films love interest, John Beck stars as the inept co-pilot of the Cyclops, Larry Hagman stars as a hapless and rather inept private doctor, and even Rene Auberjonois stars as a priest who wants to break with tradition and actually go out and get laid, much against the wishes of his cardinal.
Most of the films humour comes from the farcical situations the bus crew and its passengers find themselves in, and from a series of visual and auditory gags, for example when the Cyclops sets out on its journey, they test the aerodynamics of its hull by accelerating to its theoretical maximum speed of 90 mph, which allows the bus to break through the barrier encountered by air resistance, which is referred to by the bus's captain as "Breaking wind".
This film performed extremely poorly at the box office due to its farcical nature and a barely coherent plot, which in honesty consists of a series of sketch based comedy routines and non squiturs.
I just love how all the actors and actresses manage to deliver their lines deadpan, even though the stuff they are saying is simply nonsense most of the time, but they all manage to deliver it in such a manner that they really do sound serious.
The film also contains a series of running jokes, which, if I'm honest, aren't particularly funny, they probably sounded great on paper but did not translate well on to film, for example the numerous references to "captain" Torrances supposed cannibalism, which he is said to have committed years ago when the bus he was driving broke down in a remote area and he and his co-driver were said to have eaten the passengers in order to survive, something which he strongly denies but admits he did inadvertently eat someones foot in a stew that was cooked up by the co-driver.
I recall seeing this film on TV only once during the mid 90s, where a slightly edited version (to remove some of the films sexual references) was shown on BBC1 as a piece of Sunday afternoon filler in between the"Eastenders" omnibus and "Songs of Praise". It left a big enough impression on me though that when someone mentioned it on facebook i just had to hunt it down and watch it again, even though I knew it wasn't a good film.
To sum up, "The Big Bus" isnt going to give you jaw ache from constant laughing, in many ways its a somewhat cringe worthy effort at comedy, but it does have its moments, especially in its faux action sequences.
The main star of this film though is not the actors playing the roles, but the Cyclops itself, which was actually built as a fully functioning roadworthy vehicle, although one not capable of actually transporting passengers.
Films like "The Towering Inferno", "The Poseidon Adventure" and "Airport" drew hundreds of people to cinemas worldwide and told melodramatic stories of situations gone horribly wring in various settings.
Inevitably though people got bored of this type of film and satirists began making parodies of the genre, "The Big Bus" being one of them.
Ostensibly a farcical parody of disaster movies in general, "The Big Bus" takes a familiar disaster movie trope, that of a new and untested vehicle intended for public use (similar to how The Poseidon Adventure used a large ship), and subjects it to a series of farcical events in order to maintain a coherent plot, an endeavour in which it is largely successful.
The plot centres on the efforts of the "Coyote Bus Company" (An obvious parody of the Greyhound bus company) to create a bus capable of travelling from New York to Denver non stop, a feat which has never been done before and is considered to be a milestone in human engineering (stay with me on this one...).
The end result is the "Cyclops", a ridiculously massive double decker bus, powered by a small nuclear reactor and containing such luxuries as a swimming pool, restaurant/cocktail lounge and even a bowling alley. The irony of this is is that although the bus itself is massive and contains all this luxury, it can only really carry a small number of passengers, and even then its cramped confines don't allow for them to travel in comfort, even though the bus is classed as being a "1st class luxury conveyance".
Things don't go according to plan though as even before the Cyclops sets off on its epic journey, an iron lung bound billionaire named "Iron Man" (Jose Ferrer) conspires with Arab oil sheiks to destroy the Cyclops in order for them to maintain their monopoly on petroleum based energy.
The film stars some bigish names, Stockard Channing plays the Cyclops' designer and acts as the films love interest, John Beck stars as the inept co-pilot of the Cyclops, Larry Hagman stars as a hapless and rather inept private doctor, and even Rene Auberjonois stars as a priest who wants to break with tradition and actually go out and get laid, much against the wishes of his cardinal.
Most of the films humour comes from the farcical situations the bus crew and its passengers find themselves in, and from a series of visual and auditory gags, for example when the Cyclops sets out on its journey, they test the aerodynamics of its hull by accelerating to its theoretical maximum speed of 90 mph, which allows the bus to break through the barrier encountered by air resistance, which is referred to by the bus's captain as "Breaking wind".
This film performed extremely poorly at the box office due to its farcical nature and a barely coherent plot, which in honesty consists of a series of sketch based comedy routines and non squiturs.
I just love how all the actors and actresses manage to deliver their lines deadpan, even though the stuff they are saying is simply nonsense most of the time, but they all manage to deliver it in such a manner that they really do sound serious.
The film also contains a series of running jokes, which, if I'm honest, aren't particularly funny, they probably sounded great on paper but did not translate well on to film, for example the numerous references to "captain" Torrances supposed cannibalism, which he is said to have committed years ago when the bus he was driving broke down in a remote area and he and his co-driver were said to have eaten the passengers in order to survive, something which he strongly denies but admits he did inadvertently eat someones foot in a stew that was cooked up by the co-driver.
I recall seeing this film on TV only once during the mid 90s, where a slightly edited version (to remove some of the films sexual references) was shown on BBC1 as a piece of Sunday afternoon filler in between the"Eastenders" omnibus and "Songs of Praise". It left a big enough impression on me though that when someone mentioned it on facebook i just had to hunt it down and watch it again, even though I knew it wasn't a good film.
To sum up, "The Big Bus" isnt going to give you jaw ache from constant laughing, in many ways its a somewhat cringe worthy effort at comedy, but it does have its moments, especially in its faux action sequences.
The main star of this film though is not the actors playing the roles, but the Cyclops itself, which was actually built as a fully functioning roadworthy vehicle, although one not capable of actually transporting passengers.
Monday, 22 July 2013
God Only Knows!:- Hudson Hawk (1991)
Hudson Hawk is a 1991 Action/Adventure/Comedy film starring Bruce Willis, Andie MacDowell, James Coburn, Richard E. Grant, Sandra Bernhard and David Caruso (among others, all in all theres quite a few biggish names in this flick).
The film itself revolves around the premise that Leonardo Da Vinci accidentally discovered a way to turn lead into gold whilst looking for a way to mass produce cheap bronze that he needed in order to build a giant statue of a horse he had been commissioned to make for the Italian noble house of Sforza.
Knowing this invention would probably cause problems, Da Vinci hid the three parts of a crystal required for his gold making machine in some of his artworks.
500 years later, Eddie "Hudson Hawk" Hawkins, a master thief is blackmailed into stealing these artworks by a conglomerate of groups consisting of a small time mafia family, a rogue C.I.A spec ops unit, the Vatican's secret service and a disgustingly rich married couple called Darwin and Minerva Mayflower.
Now, ill be honest, this film is AWFUL, which reflected in its reviews at the time of its release, and subsequent poor box office and home video performance, however, in recent years Hudson Hawk has become something of a cult hit, due to its pseudo religious steam/clockworkpunk-esque leanings, as well as its rather bizarre and unholy amalgamation of cartoon-esque violence, farcical comedy and over the top action.
There are a few running gags that occur throughout the film, first and foremost is Hawks inability to enjoy a cup of cappuccino, which was first on his "to do" list after he got released from prison, but every time he manages to get his hands on one, it ends up being ruined by one means or another.
The second major running gag in the film is Grant and Bernhards portrayal of the comic book villains of the piece, the Mayflowers. This married villain team are so ridiculously over the top that scenes with them in end up being both painful to watch but also horrendously unintentionally funny.
The third major running gag is Hawks budding relationship with the Vatican secret agent Anna Baragli (MacDowell), whom everyone other than Hawk himself knows is a nun, and thus not really able to enter into a relationship with anyone.
The actual film itself doesnt seem to be able to decide whether it wants to be a family movie or an adult oriented action movie. Co-written by Willis himself, the film features many scenes of cartoony violence, which would make it an ideal family movie, however it then goes on to feature scenes with a lot of swearing and scenes of a sexual nature, as well as some scenes which would be considered too violent for the average child, even back in 1991 when it was released.
These two things combined confused audiences and critics alike, one minute you were seeing Willis engaging in a farcical fistfight with someone, the next he was telling someone that they were "motherfuckers" before blowing them up with a bomb, its almost as if Willis' contribution to the screenplay was simply handing the scriptwriters a copy of the shooting script for "Die Hard 2" (which he had just recently starred in) and told them to use that as inspiration.
Bad editing also has a lot to answer for, as many of the scenes lurch uncomfortably from one to another, which often creates plot holes or bizarre non-sequiturs (possibly an attempt to keep up the "comic book" tone of the film). Elements of exposition seemed to be trimmed down or rushed through in order to maintain a "fast paced" filming style.
To sum up, "Hudson Hawk" is a bad film simply because it watches like an ego trip on Willis's part, with Willis himself not really putting in much of an effort to make Hawk an interestign character outisde of his occasional foul mouthed outbursts or smug satisfaction when he pulls off a job, and then there's the musical numbers...oh god the musical numbers....a recurring theme is that Hawk and his partner in crime Tommy "five-tone" Messina sing songs in order to keep time when performing jobs. This was a gag worked in basically to add something to what would be normally tedious scenes of them breaking into buildings or performing tasks required to set up the theft of something, but instead it just makes for uncomfortable viewing as they both give away their positions and/or reach a crescendo duet at the climax of a job, oh, and most of these duets were featured on the films soundtrack album to boot, not that anyone of sound mind bought it.
One final word, the religious aspect of this film is encompassed totally by the Vaticans self interest in preventing anyone from stealing art treasures from its vaults, cue lots of mumblings about God not approving and so on.
Yeah, Hudson Hawk, a good idea, ruined by egotism, bad editing, corny jokes and simply not knowing what direction it was wanting to head in.
I give it 3 sacrificial lambs out of 10.
The film itself revolves around the premise that Leonardo Da Vinci accidentally discovered a way to turn lead into gold whilst looking for a way to mass produce cheap bronze that he needed in order to build a giant statue of a horse he had been commissioned to make for the Italian noble house of Sforza.
Knowing this invention would probably cause problems, Da Vinci hid the three parts of a crystal required for his gold making machine in some of his artworks.
500 years later, Eddie "Hudson Hawk" Hawkins, a master thief is blackmailed into stealing these artworks by a conglomerate of groups consisting of a small time mafia family, a rogue C.I.A spec ops unit, the Vatican's secret service and a disgustingly rich married couple called Darwin and Minerva Mayflower.
Now, ill be honest, this film is AWFUL, which reflected in its reviews at the time of its release, and subsequent poor box office and home video performance, however, in recent years Hudson Hawk has become something of a cult hit, due to its pseudo religious steam/clockworkpunk-esque leanings, as well as its rather bizarre and unholy amalgamation of cartoon-esque violence, farcical comedy and over the top action.
There are a few running gags that occur throughout the film, first and foremost is Hawks inability to enjoy a cup of cappuccino, which was first on his "to do" list after he got released from prison, but every time he manages to get his hands on one, it ends up being ruined by one means or another.
The second major running gag in the film is Grant and Bernhards portrayal of the comic book villains of the piece, the Mayflowers. This married villain team are so ridiculously over the top that scenes with them in end up being both painful to watch but also horrendously unintentionally funny.
The third major running gag is Hawks budding relationship with the Vatican secret agent Anna Baragli (MacDowell), whom everyone other than Hawk himself knows is a nun, and thus not really able to enter into a relationship with anyone.
The actual film itself doesnt seem to be able to decide whether it wants to be a family movie or an adult oriented action movie. Co-written by Willis himself, the film features many scenes of cartoony violence, which would make it an ideal family movie, however it then goes on to feature scenes with a lot of swearing and scenes of a sexual nature, as well as some scenes which would be considered too violent for the average child, even back in 1991 when it was released.
These two things combined confused audiences and critics alike, one minute you were seeing Willis engaging in a farcical fistfight with someone, the next he was telling someone that they were "motherfuckers" before blowing them up with a bomb, its almost as if Willis' contribution to the screenplay was simply handing the scriptwriters a copy of the shooting script for "Die Hard 2" (which he had just recently starred in) and told them to use that as inspiration.
Bad editing also has a lot to answer for, as many of the scenes lurch uncomfortably from one to another, which often creates plot holes or bizarre non-sequiturs (possibly an attempt to keep up the "comic book" tone of the film). Elements of exposition seemed to be trimmed down or rushed through in order to maintain a "fast paced" filming style.
To sum up, "Hudson Hawk" is a bad film simply because it watches like an ego trip on Willis's part, with Willis himself not really putting in much of an effort to make Hawk an interestign character outisde of his occasional foul mouthed outbursts or smug satisfaction when he pulls off a job, and then there's the musical numbers...oh god the musical numbers....a recurring theme is that Hawk and his partner in crime Tommy "five-tone" Messina sing songs in order to keep time when performing jobs. This was a gag worked in basically to add something to what would be normally tedious scenes of them breaking into buildings or performing tasks required to set up the theft of something, but instead it just makes for uncomfortable viewing as they both give away their positions and/or reach a crescendo duet at the climax of a job, oh, and most of these duets were featured on the films soundtrack album to boot, not that anyone of sound mind bought it.
One final word, the religious aspect of this film is encompassed totally by the Vaticans self interest in preventing anyone from stealing art treasures from its vaults, cue lots of mumblings about God not approving and so on.
Yeah, Hudson Hawk, a good idea, ruined by egotism, bad editing, corny jokes and simply not knowing what direction it was wanting to head in.
I give it 3 sacrificial lambs out of 10.
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