Its movie time!!!! 6 - The Rebooted Sequel.

Films, yeah, theyre good for passing at least 90 minutes of time. Heres some more time fillers I've watched since the last installment....

                                                             2013 Theatrical Poster

 Some bored rich people indulge in their hobby of kidnapping women of the lower classes and making them fight to the death for their entertainment. Off screen, 46 of the 49 "competitors" have already been eliminated from this years games, leaving the final 6 to bitchslap each other into oblivion in return for the last woman standing being allowed to go free.
Yeah, er, not exactly an original story, as it ends up being pretty much the same as any "fighting tournament" type film youve ever seen, and the twist of having it be an all female fighting tournament doesn't really add much new stuff, other than making the "not-fighting" scenes include lots and lots of fee-fee related stuff.
The evil rich people are straight out of a comic book, being OTT in their wickedness, the successful female fighters form the stock characters of "the virtuous hero", "the bloodthirsty baddie", "the sweet innocent type" and so on and so forth, lots of violent (and somewhat physically impossible for the average person) finishing moves and the films ending, which involves yet another plot twist, is fairly predictable.

I dunno, for a bit of no brainer time wasting blood and guts action, its not a bad film, but as a groundbreaking piece of cinematic action, it falls over several hurdles before it limps over the finishing line.

Overall - 6/10

                                                                1971 Theatrical poster

Many thousands of years ago, the evil witch-queen, Tera, was drugged into a state of suspended animation by a group of priests while she lay in her sarcophagus, practicing her evil magiks. The tomb was sealed and her right hand, after being severed from her body, is thrown to the jackals to prevent her from dying and entering the afterlife. Unfortunately for the priests, the hand is still alive, and manages to escape.
In the present day, a group of archaeologists unearth the tomb. Breaking its seals, they enter and speak the name of the queen, whose name has been purged from history, save for one forgotten carving on the tomb wall, which had not been scrubbed off by some incompetant scribe. They open the sarcophagus, only to find Teras perfectly preserved body inside, still breathing and with blood flowing from the stump of her right wrist.
Years later, the lead archaeologists daughter has grown to become the spitting image of Queen Tera, and she finds she is involved in a plot to ressurect the queen, but for good or evil?.

This is pretty much your standard Hammer Horror type film, but not to the standards of either the Dracula, Frankenstein or even Hammers own "Mummy" films. The extremely attractive Valerie Leon plays a dual role as Tera and Margaret, and genuinely pulls off her role very well.
The story is a little "ho-hum" though, but not by any means boring.

Overall - 8/10

                                                              1972 Theatrical Poster

Following on from the BBC TV series of the same name, "Doomwatch" recieves its own feature film (a common practice at the time).
Dr. Del Shaw from the "Department for the observation and measurement of scientific work", better known as "Doomwatch", arrives in the remote island community of Balfe.
Originally tasked with compiling a report on the enviromental damage sustained in the area following a recent oil spillage, Dr. Shaw becomes suspicious when he sees severely deformed people in the otherwise quiet and somewhat backward village, and locals explanations about inbreeding stop being convincing after a few incidences of people becoming violent and irrational, also doesn't help their case when some dead bodies start turning up.
Could an old military waste dumping ground out at sea hold the key?......maybe.

This is a pretty run of the mill "science gone wrong" type of story, but what makes this films premise different is that it doesnt feel the need to go OTT with special effects and science fiction explanations as to why things are happenning, althouh I'd wager if the film makers had a larger budget they'd probably have liked to jazz the film up a bit (NOTE - the original TV series was notorious for having bargain basement special effects, as were numerous BBC programs at the time).
That said, this films very simple cinematograhy and easy to understand mystery/thriller type plot makes for good viewing, even if it looks dated in the modern age of lens flare and CGI explosions.

Overall - 8/10

It's Movie Time!!!!! 5 - The Franchise continues.

Time for some more crap, maybe...


Muck (2015)

A group of over sexed millennials end up getting stuck in the marshes of Cape Cod where they are attacked by a group of albino psychokiller cannibals.

*unnnnggggggh* yeah, this is your average run of the mill "psychokiller attacks people for some reason" type film, and this one tries to add a twist by having all the cast constantly talk about sex, while the feamle cast spends their time in between being semi-nude, topless or completely naked. I should add that all of the female cast work/worked for Playboy magazine, hence why the films premier took place at the Playboy mansion.
Kane Hodder plays the leader of the psychokillers, thats about it for highlights, this is definitely one of those films where you really need to switch your higher cognitive functions off in order to get anything out of it.

Overall - 3/10


Exam (2009)

A group of eight people attend what they believe is an aptitude exam for a high flying executive job at an unknown company, however, things may not be as they seem, as the exam room is furnished with an armed guard, and the invigilator (Colin Salmon) lays down the following "rules":- #1. Do not attempt to speak to the guard, or the invigilator, #2. Do not allow your test paper to become marked or spoiled in any way, #3. Should anyone choose to leave the room, they may do so at any time.
He then goes on to state that any breach of these rules is punished by immediate disqualification from the test, and states that the test consists of one question, and they have 80 minutes to complete the test. He then asks if anyone has any questions before leaving.
The candidates (all nameless) turn their individually numbered papers over to reveal that there is nothing written on them, save for their candidate number.
Thus begins a "locked room" mystery where the candidates have to figure out what it is they are supposed to be doing with a nice mix of looking at group psychology dynamics.

Yeah, this is a pretty nice film all things considered. Even though the ending is easily figured out by eagle eyed viewers fairly early on, the interesting bit comes from how the group figures out what is going on and how to deal with it, with numerous dead ends, false starts and personality clashes thrown in to keep you interested.

Overall - 8/10

Warlords of Atlantis (1978)

A scientist and his entourage travel by ship to an area of open sea so that he can test his new diving bell invention, supposedly to investigate fish shoals, however, they instead chance upon the lost continent of Atlantis, and find out that its inhabitants arent really terribly friendly.

Er, yeah. This particular period in film history is resplendent with examples of fantasy-action-drama such as this, and unfortuneately, this film isnt one of the best. A fairly thin plot which struggles to really pick up the pace is however offset by some impressive practical special effects. Dunno if the reason for the poor story was due to budget reasons or due to being a good idea pulled off badly, but it ends up being a forgettable film.

Overall - 4/10


The Day  (2011)

A group of people in some sort of post apocalyptic setting take refuge in a farm house from gangs of rampaging cannibal raiders. Problem is, they've walked right into a trap, cue bloodletting and other general violence as the two factions vie for superiority and a horde of phat lewt.

A forgettable post-apocalyptic horror/action film that tries to be "arty" by having the enitre thing shot in washed out/bleak/monochrome filters. Also manages to conform to the current "in vogue" cliche of showing that whenever women engage in melee combat with men, not only do they kick ass, but they are also better than literally anyone they come up against.
Violence for the sake of it, angst, forced swearing, little to no plot of interest, yeah this one isnt going down as a classic of this genre.

Overall - 4/10

Fillum Review - The Pentagon Wars (HBO 1998)

A bit of military historical hi-jinks here, courtesy of HBO.

                                                                       (DVD Cover)
"The Pentagon Wars" is a 1998 TV movie based on the memoirs of Colonel James Burton (USAF), specifically a period during the late 1970s/early 1980s in which he was assigned to oversee the acceptance into military service of the long delayed Bradley Fighting Vehicle.

Using mainly comedy actors, the film takes a comedic look at the corruption that is rife within US military arms development.

The story begins when Colonel Burton (Cary Elwes) is assigned by congress to evaluate the Bradleys development and to have the final decision about whether the project, which was well behind schedule and severely over budget, was fit to be placed into production and be accepted for Army service.
He becomes suspicious after the project manager, General Partridge (Kelsey Grammer) appears to be being deliberately obstructive to his enquiries about the vehicles performance under combat conditions.
After attending a demonstration at Aberdeen proving grounds, in which a live RPG round is shown to bounce harmlessly off the vehicles armour, his suspicion is further aroused when Partridges adjutants (John McGinley & Tom Wright) actively prevent him from examining the vehicle or seeing any of its performance data. He later leans from a concerned technical sergeant that many of the tests that the Bradley has "passed" were because the data was falsified due to using sub standard ammunition or substitutes.

Burton formally requests that all data and materials concerning the development of the vehicle are made available to him, and, when tons of paperwork is dumped on him, he gradually begins to realise that the Bradley "as is", is in fact a piece of junk, and that the project has continually been mismanaged by successive overseers ever since its inception in the late 1950s, due to the designer being forced to incorporate numerous ridiculous features on to the vehicle by a succession of armchair generals.

He sums up the vehicle as thus:- "Its a personnel carrier that cant carry personnel, its a scout thats so big it cant hide and its an anti tank platform with no armour."

Most of the film is relayed through flashbacks, as General Partridge gives evidence at a congressional enquiry into the mismanagement of the project, and it soon becomes clear that Partridge and his cronies were more interested in securing lucrative private sector work and promotions over developing a vehicle that is combat ready and safe for use by troops.

The film ends by stating that the Bradley Fighting Vehicle was introduced into service in 1981, having undergone extensive modifications in order to correct the glaring errors in its design and construction, however, Colonel Burton was "Blackballed" by the military, who saw his whistle blowing as a threat to the arms development industry.

If youre interested in this sort of thing, this film is a good watch, and the "dry" content is helped along by the films use of comedy actors and numerous farcical scenes (which incidentally really happened) in which Burtons progress is impeded by the conspirators.

This film is available to buy on DVD, but is quite hard to find, however it is available to watch "by other means" on various video sites.

Film Review:- Import/Export (2007)

Bit o' foreign cinema here for ya's all...

Import/Export is a 2007 film made by Austrian director/producer Ulrich Seidel, and follows the lives and changing fortunes of two individuals, an Austrian man named Pauli and a Ukranian woman named Olga, both of whom end up in each others countries whilst trying to get themselves out of various life related problems. The film cuts between the two unrelated stories periodically to show important plot developments as they go along.

Both stories show the everyday struggles of people trying to find work and make money to live on, even when they are at their lowest. For example, Olga takes a job working as a "camgirl" for a seedy internet porn site, and Pauli ends up trying to scam money from people in the street by claiming he lent them money while they were out drinking.
The thing is though, the film shows what seems to have become a norm for people who struggle to find work in this day and age, namely a job opportunity suddenly appears for both of them which seemingly offers a way out of their drudgery, however these wonderful, magical jobs end up vapourising quickly. In Olgas case, she is offered a job working as a housekeeper in Austria, and in Paulis case, he is offered a job installing gambling machines in the Ukraine, and in both cases, something, call it fate or simply bad luck, see them both getting the shitty end of the stick for following the opportunity through.

The film does a really good job of capturing the every day drudgery of modern life, from the scenes set in the porno studio, where its quite clear all of the camgirls working there are bored as fuck with their job and nothing is half as glamorous as what you'd think it is, to the scenes in which Pauli wanders the streets of Vienna bored and trying to scam or steal money from people to pay back what he owes to various unsavoury characters. One particular bit, which probably everyone will be familiar with, is a sequence of scenes in which Pauli and Olga receive "inductions", Paulis while on an insulting "back to work" type course at the jobcentre, and Olgas having to listen to an overly long and excruciatingly detailed presentation about the correct use of cleaning cloths.

Even though this film is terminally depressing, its one of those films that you watch with a morbid sense of curiosity, as it approaches the subject matter with a no holds barred attitude. When Olga ends up as a cleaner in a geriatric hospital, they don't hold back in showing what happens when you get dementia. When Pauli ends up visiting an East European romany settlement on business, they have no qualms about showing how awful the living conditions there are, nor what people will do for money.
Don't be expecting big laughs form this film, because there aren't any, the film goes to great lengths to show how ordinary people get treated like shit, and how more often than not the concept of the "happy ending" is only the stuff of fantasy.

Medieval Mayhem! - Ironclad (2011) & Black Death (2010) - SPOILER ALERT

Oh look, I watched some films that were made within the past 5 years...that doesn't happen much!.

So, having watched Lindybeige's videos, where he takes a look at these films and critiques them for their appalling historical accuracy (The phrase "Useless floppy apron" had me pissing myself laughing for a considerable amount of time), I decided to watch these films myself, seeing as how i am not adverse to a bit of good old blood and guts action.

Ironclad

So, the opening blurb tells us that in the year 1215, King John I signed the Magna Carta, which is generally thought of as being a good thing, however almost immediately afterwards, Pope Innocent III declared the document null and void and ordered King John to reclaim his country from the rule of the Barons, thus sparking the "First Barons War".
The film itself deals with a heavily fictionalised and somewhat anachronistic version of the siege of Rochester castle, which did actually happen, although the film would have us believe that a mere 20 defenders held off a horde of over a thousand "Danish mercenaries" (the film basically depicts them as being Vikings, even though by 1215 there were no Vikings, but at least it doesn't go down the route of having them with big horns on their helmets), and makes out that King Johns forces had access to some substance similar to napalm to use in their attempted assaults...oh, and for some reason, the river Medway seems to have the power to appear and disappear at will, or at least, at the convenience of the films director.

So to start with, the title of the film seems to have been chosen in order to evoke mental images of fearless knights fighting the good fight etc etc, however throughout the film, only the main "good guy" character, the Templar "Thomas Marshall" is the only one to don a suit of armour, and even then its not until over half way through the film, and even then its just a helmet and quilted overcoat he puts on anyway, which he then wears for all of about 2 minutes as he rides his horse out of the castles stable towards the keep (a distance of about 50 feet) whilst swinging a flail/morning star type mace at the horde of not-vikings who have managed to get in through the gates, seemingly to little effect (they gang up on him and pull him off his horse in the end, because charging a single horse into a mob of blood crazed enemies is a bit stupid, and if this weren't a film, he would have been unhorsed and killed within seconds of hitting the mob).

Another familiar trope common to this sort of film is the "religious person breaking their vows" trope, which the chaste Thomas Marshall manages to do about two-thirds of the way in by having the sexy intercourse with the lady of the manor, the inevitability of which had been set up right from the moment they walked in through the castle gates.

One major bit of "artistic licence" in the film is the slow torture and death of William D'Aubigny (Played by Brian Cox) on orders of the King towards the end of the film, which is a right bugger being as that  the real life D'Aubigny survived the siege and died in 1236 after playing a big part in the second battle of Lincoln after King Johns death and the subsequent crowning of his son Henry III in 1216...a mere year after the time in which this film is set (I presume that after having his hands and feet cut off, then having his corpse fired from a trebuchet and splattering on the castle walls, he "got better").

So, is Ironclad a good film?, well, as a medieval sword swinging blood splatterfest goes, I'd have to say yes, despite it being riddled with historical inaccuracies, ridiculous plot developments, its a good example of one of those films you can put on and expect to get some level of entertainment out of without being bogged down with a ton of "talky" bits getting in the way of drawn out scenes of people getting limbs chopped off by improbably large swords and axes, and the inevitable blood splatter that follows.
As a film giving an accurate depiction of a recorded historical event and the world it took place in, then I'd have to say no.

Black Death

It is the year 1348 and the Black Death is sweeping the British isles, well, except that it isn't, and didn't reach full on epidemic levels until about 2 years later, but, despite this glaring historical error, that doesn't stop the heroic knight "Ulric" (Sean Bean) from going to a monastery and demanding that the Abbott (David Warner) furnish him with a guide so they can find a village that rumour has it has not been afflicted by the plague....er, ok.

Enter Brother Osmund, a novice/monk/friar (the film cant make its mind up exactly what he is, as he is referred to as being all three, even though this would both be impossible and somewhat stupid), who is a bit naughty in the fact that he has a secret girlfriend who he earlier sent to find this village so she would be safe from the plague...Ulric turning up gives him an excuse to leave the monastery and meet up with his bit on the side for sexy times etc etc, so he volunteers because apparently thats where he comes from and knows the way quite well, or something.

Nah, as it turns out, Ulric and his band of unkempt, smelly mercenaries are really looking for the village because apparently it contains a necromancer who is bringing the dead back to life, and God might not like that so they are going to hunt down and kill the necromancer because fuck you that's why.
In order to complete their mission, they have brought along a torturer and his highly anachronistic "iron maiden" like torture contraption, which is conveniently attached to a rickety looking wagon, so they can capture the necromancer and deliver him to the local bishop..I presume that will occur after they have killed him and he has then brought himself back to life or something...er, yeah.

So they travel across the countryside, via a forest which consists of nothing more than some very nice modern looking conifer trees which grow in perfectly straight lines, and have a few sword fights along the way before they finally find the village they were looking for...which turns out to be a haven for pagan heathens who don't believe in God.
Also along the way, Osmund finds out that his secret girlfriend seems to have been killed by the forest bandits, he blames himself and gets all dead guilty and shit, innit.



Ulric and his remaining men enter the village and are welcomed with open arms by the villages head man, "Hob", aka "The Lord Percy Percy", aka "Captain Darling", however despite being offered sanctuary and washing facilities (you know the villagers must be evil because they break the cliche of daring to wash both themselves and their clothing whilst living in medieval times) Ulric warns his men that evil is afoot so they must be on their guard.

So, the "necromancer" turns out to be a woman who is a skilled herbalist, and just uses the trappings of ritual and witchcraft to keep the yokels in awe of her super powers, plus also it helps that the village is miles away from anywhere else so the plague hasn't shown up there because they don't generally mix with outsiders.
Its at this point that the standard "religious person breaking their vows" cliche is used to get Osmund to not only kill his secret girlfriend (as it turns out, she wasn't killed in the forest, she just got beaten up a bit and the villagers found her and nursed her back to health, then the witch used her to try and get Osmund to come over to their side) , but to also turn him into an angry vengeance fueled killing machine.

Only Osmund and Ulrics right hand man Wolfstan manage to survive the inevitable bloodbath that occurs (once again, Sean Bean ends up getting killed in a film, surprise surprise) , Osmund returns home to the monastery, where Wolfstan, in voice over, states that although he never saw Osmund again, he heard stories that he had set himself up as something akin to a witch hunter and spent the remainde rof his days hunting down the woman who had bewitched him, killing lots of other women who had some resemblance to her in the process, but this was a good thing as he did it all in the name of God...oh, and God punished the evil pagan heathens by bringing the plague to the village, which promptly killed off anyone who was still living there (just before he dies, it is revealed that Ulric is suffering from the plague, thus bringing the disease there)

Yeahhhhhhh...again, this film is little more than an excuse to have people getting body parts cut off by big swords and axes, but, unlike Ironclad, it doesn't pretend to depict real events, or be a dramatic adaptation of events of historical note.
Also unlike Ironclad, the story is a rather poorly written  mish mash of plot holes sandwiched in between fighting and torture scenes, which ends on a rather dark note of having the young hero of the piece become Darth Vader and set about revenging himself on women via the excuse of being a witch hunter.

Good film?...no, not even as a bit of mindless flighting and bloodsplatter entertainment.

Fillum Review - "Juggernaut" (1974)

You know, to a lot of people these days, terrorism wasn't invented until September the 11th 2001, but, with like most Americanism, its completely incorrect.
People in the British isles had been enjoying the benefits of terrorism since the 1960s in one form or another, usually due to Irish nationalists thinking it was Ok to set off bombs in public areas so that they could somehow garner sympathy and/or fear, which would eventually lead to a united Ireland...then their loyalist counterparts would do the same to them....er, didn't work did it?.

So, what does this have to do with 1974s "Juggernaut"? (also known as "Terror on the Britannic").. not much really, although the first half of the film is spent blaming Irish nationalists for the fact that DIRTY HUGE GREAT BOMBS!!!!! have been planted on a British luxury cruise liner.....

The film stars an impressive (for the time it was made) ensemble cast, with Omar Sharif, Richard Harris, Freddie Jones, Roy Kinnear, Julian Glover, Cyril Cusack, a young looking Ian Holm and a very young looking Anthony Hopkins all playing major parts, the film also stars John Bindon in one of his typecast roles as a "heavy" (Bindon would later go on to narrowly escape being jailed for murder, and eventually died of an AIDs related illness), and a very young looking Simon MacCorkindale in a minor role as one of the ships crew.

Storywise, the film follows an "A-plot/B-plot" style, both of which intertwine somewhere in the middle...

A-Plot
Nicholas Porter (Ian Holm), the owner of a successful British Cruise liner company, receives a telephone call from a man with an Irish accent. The man, who insists on being referred to by the code name "Juggernaut", informs him that the companies premier cruise liner, the SS Britannic, has had several bombs placed on it, all of them wired to detonate while the ship is in the mid Atlantic, which is about 24 hours from now. Juggernaut demands £500,000 in cash to be left in two suitcases at a railway stations lost property office. Once he receives the money, he will give instructions on how the bombs can be safely defused. To show he means business, two smaller bombs are detonated in the vicinity of the ships bridge, causing minor injury to some of the ships bridge crew.
Porter is horrified as his wife and son are aboard the Britannic, however his attempts to peacefully resolve the problem by simply paying up are thwarted by the involvement of government anti terrorism authorities, who state that if he pays up, his government subsidy will be withdrawn, thus leaving the company an unprofitable one.
It is decided that as a full evacuation of the ships crew and passengers is not a viable option due to its remote location, a team of Royal Navy bomb disposal experts will be air dropped on to the Britannic in an attempt to defuse the bombs, whilst Superintendent McLeod (Anthony Hopkins) of Scotland Yard will investigate and hopefully arrest "Juggernaut".

B-Plot
The Royal Navy bomb disposal team arrives on board the Britannic, where the crew are struggling to maintain morale amongst both themselves and the passengers (Roy Kinnear really shines here as the ships entertainments officer, maintaining the facade of cheery optimism despite the fact that he, like everyone else on the Britannic, is terrified).
The first attempt to defuse one of the bombs, all of which are housed in oil drums and placed at strategic points below the water line, goes horribly wrong as Porters son wanders into the area where the bomb is and gets locked in. The resulting explosion caused by the remote bomb disposal robot triggering a trembler switch causes the death of one of the ships stewards who was looking for the boy and got trapped with him. The bomb disposal team changes tactics, Fallon (Richard Harris) allocates one member of his team to each bomb, he will begin trying to disarm the one he is at, with the remainder of the team following his actions, if he fucks up, then the next member continues on a different track until they have all been disarmed.
Another accident sets off a bomb when one of the team goes ahead and does something which Fallon had said he was going to do but didn't,resulting in another death and cutting the teams safety margin down. Fallon eventually finds that the path he has been following is in fact a wild goose chase, made up of a number of booby trapped puzzles which ultimately result in him finding a rude message hidden inside the bomb, however this reminds him of an incident during world war 2 where a German bomb maker did exactly the same thing, this piece of evidence allows McLeod to narrow down the list of suspects and eventually find and arrest "Juggernaut".
Realising the bombs have been made in a similar vein to the WW2 bomb, he manages to find the real detonator and, with a little help from the now captured "Juggernaut", figures out how the bombs are to be defused.



This film is very much one of its time, released during a period of near constant bomb threats in the UK due to domestic terrorism of one sort or another, the feeling of helplessness in the face of this is really well put across, especially by Roy Kinnears character.
The film is let down by the fact that although the Britannic is described as being a luxury cruise liner, it has that distinct 70s "cross channel ferry" feel to it, and all of the scenes of it at sea were shot in the appalling weather conditions as found in the North sea, this was due to the script requirements needing to show that an evacuation of the vessel was impossible due to poor weather conditions etc.

Nonetheless, "Juggernaut" works as a good example of a 70s/80s "Thriller" type film, everyone involved plays their roles really well, although Omar Sharif seems wasted in his role as the Captain of the Britannic.

Still, well worth a watch.

Dystopiarama! - Weekend triple feature!1!!!!!

Ah well, now that the £5 cheapo video games have all been completed (deffo £5 worth..nothing more), its time to get back to watching fillums of varying qualities.....

This time round I dredged up an old, but favourite, film topic..Dystopian futures!.

Saturn 3 (1980)

Eeh by gum!, this films as old as I am!.
So, plot wise this film is a sci-fi thriller, set in some unspecified future time when Earth has become ridiculously over populated and its inhabitants somewhat sociopathic, almost the entire film, save for the open sequence and a teeny bit at the end, takes place on an isolated botanical research station located on Saturns 3rd moon (which by astronomical standards would be Tethys, although which one it actually is is never stated, but this would make sense being as about 90% of Tethys' surface consists of ice, you know which is good for turning into water to grow plants with an shit, yo..anyway..).The moon is inhabited by Adam and Alex, a couple who are both there to research more efficient ways of growing plants to assist with Earths chronic food shortages. Adam and Alex (Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett respectively) live a very comfortable life free form interference by the domineering Earth authorities, however one day their bliss is rudely interrupted by the arrival of Captain Benson (Harvey Keitel, although his voice was over dubbed by Roy Dotrice) , who brings with him a robot (arguably a cyborg) called "Hector".
Problem is, Benson wasn't supposed to be the one to deliver, and more importantly, train, via the use of direct mind impulse transference, the robot being as his mind was too disordered and prone to outbursts of extreme emotion and violence.
In the end, these violent, jealous and lustful thoughts (once he has got an eyefull of Farrah that is) end up being transferred to the robot, who, without any kind of moral guidelines, goes on a murderous rampage etc etc etc.

The film itself isn't a bad one, its not a good one either. For a start, Kirk Douglas was 64 at the time of filming, and even though he was in fairly good physical shape, theres something decidedly creepy about seeing a man who could be your grandfather engaging in simulated sex, nude scenes and sexual dialogue with a woman who was 32 years his junior.
The story is a tad predictable from the word go, and the special effects look extremely bargain basement, because the filming was fraught with problems, mainly stemming from the fact that ITC films had pissed a shit load of money up the wall on the film "Raise the Titanic!" which ended up being a massive box office flop, therefore the budget for this film ended up being stripped to the bare minimum required in order to get it finished.
The screen play was written by the semi famous writer Martin Amis, who later went on to write a thinly disguised book about the production, chronicling his own observations. He makes mention of an aging film star who is obsessed with his sexual virility (*coughkirkdouglascough*) as well as the numerous cost cutting measures and script changes required on short notice in order to accommodate them.

Entertaining?, not really, more, interesting than anything else.
Overall - 4/10

Omega Doom (1996)

Director Albert Pyun carved himself a nice little niche in the mid ninties through to the mid noughties, a niche which earned him the moniker "the Ed Wood of modern films" for a while.

Omega Doom is similar to Pyuns 1989 film "Cyborg", insofar as it concerns robots/cyborgs getting up to shennanigans in a dystiopian and post apocalyptic future.

Omega Doom (Rutger Hauer) is an android soldier who fought in world war 3, however on the last day of the war, a gun shot wound to the head erased his programming, making him forget his primary directive to KILL ALL HUMANS!!1!11!11one!1!.
Some time later, OD wanders into an abandoned French town (the original script called for the film to be set entirely within the boundaries of a post apocalyptic EuroDisney) to find that two factions are battling for control over the ruined buildings. One one side are the "Droids", a motley group of old robots, some of them ex-military, some of them servitor robots, and on the other side are the "ROMs", a trio of identical female robots who are much more advanced than the others, but are too few in number to take over completely.
The two factions share an uneasy peace, however secretly both sides are eager to find a rumoured cache of firearms that they believe to be hidden somewhere in the area.

This film is unashamedly a pastiche of  "Wandering Samurai" type films mixed in with "Mysterious stranger western" type films, hell, theres even a "saloon" in the town where a timid governess robot serves water to both sides to use as fuel.
OD appoints himself to be the local "lawman" and put an end to the feud, mainly via killing the leaders of the opposing factions who are constantly stirring up trouble and picking on the drifters that occasionally ride through the town.

The action scenes are silly in the extreme, with "gunfights" being replaced by quickdraw type duels in which both participants are armed with some sort of laser edged throwing knives.

Even though the film is very slowly paced, and the story isn't terribly demanding, "Omega Doom" still makes for a good viewing.

Overall - 7/10

Battle Truck (1982)

(This film was also released under the title "Warlords of the 21st Century")

Mad Max and its sequel, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, set a standard in the film industry and created a new type of post apocalypse film which featured people using vehicles and scrapping it out over fuel reserves after some off screen war had pretty much fucked the world up.
"Battle Truck" came out 1 year after Mad Max 2, and features, you guessed it, a Truck that is used for battle, manly battle involving a gang of ruffians picking on people in order to steal their supplies of fuel, food and pretty much anything else that takes their fancy, and thus far they have done quite well out of this wrongdoing being as no one can stand up to their massive armoured behemoth.

A small village called Clearwater becomes the next target for these ne'er do wells, who are pretty easy pickings being as they generally live a peaceful existence similar to the Quaker lifestyle, however this time round the bad guys get some trouble in the form of a mysterious motorcyclist named "Hunter" (Michael Beck - in one of his many B movie roles since his A list career ended when he decided to sign on to star in the awful "Xanadu" ).
As it turns out, a young woman who Hunter brought to live in Clearwater after he rescued her from being attacked by the baddies is the reason they have come, because she is the Big boss baddies daughter!.

Yeeaaaahhhhhhhh....This is a shite film, even the titular "Battle Truck" looks rubbish, and Michael Becks acting in the role of Hunter is really poor, you can tell hes only doing it for the pay day and not out of any particular interest in starring in this piece of dodgy sci-fi shit.

Overall - 3/10

Dodgy Sci-Fi double bill - Island of Terror & Night of the Big Heat

Being as I have suddenly found myself with some time on my hands, I decided to roll out some more B-movie related action (yay!).

This time round, its the turn of a couple of British made films which were made by the same company, Planet productions, released one year apart, 1966 and 1967 respectively, use the same director, and tell basically the same story, that story being "a remote community comes under attack by some strange and horrible creatures".



Island of Terror (1966)

The remote Petrie Island is home to a small community of people of Irish/Scottish heritage, and also a secret biological testing laboratory.
In the pre credits sequence, two scientists discuss the critical stage of an experiment they are working on, which appears to involve using radioactive materials to create mutant creatures. One of the scientists speaks out about the possible moral implications of what they are doing, but the other scientist points out that they could wake up tomorrow to find they have discovered a cure for cancer...

An unspecified amount of time later, a man stops to investigate a strange sound emanating from a small cave in some rocks. As he enters the small cave, he screams as he is attacked by an off screen creature.
The following day, the local bobby is sent out to look for the missing man, and he finds his corpse in the cave, albeit whats left of it, as the corpse seems to have no bone structure and, as the bobby describes it "it was all like jelly".

The local doctor, baffled by what he finds when he performs an autopsy on the jellified corpse, contacts noted pathologist Dr. Stanley (Peter Cushing), enquiring whether he has ever heard of any disease that destroys only the bones of a body, but does no damage to any of the organs or other soft tissues. Dr. Stanley has not heard of any such ailment, and intrigued, he sets off for Petrie Island to see for himself.

Eventually, Stanley and his group come across the secret laboratory, but find everyone there has been killed in the same manner as the local man, He deduces that whatever has happened on the island must have originated from the laboratory, but can find nothing within its walls that gives a definitive answer, aside from the jellified corpses all appear to have small fang like punctures on the skin, which indicates that some chemical or venom was introduced into the bodies which broke down the calcium in the bodies.

As it turns out, the lab experiments got out of hand, resulting in the creation of a new species of silicon based creatures that feed on calcium. Because of their unique make up, the creatures are difficult to kill by conventional means (the locals try axes, petrol bombs and bullets on the creatures to no effect).
Eventually, it is discovered that the creatures can be killed by having them ingest Strontium-90, a highly dangerous and potent radioactive material. The locals get hold of some Strontium from the lab and contaminate some cows with it, which the creatures, now named "Silicates" eat and die.

In the films epilogue, it shows that after the island was evacuated, investigation teams moved in, and some unspecified time later, a Japanese laboratory is attempting to replicate the work done to create the creatures...with the same inevitable result...


This isn't a bad story, albeit a cliche filled one with a completely predictable "Deus-ex" type ending.
The special effects used for the creatures are laughably low budget, with the creatures themselves simply being inflated rubber blobs with tinned spaghetti poured over them. In the odd scene where one of the creatures uses its tentacle, its obvious its just a piece of rubber pipe being wiggled about on a piece of string.
Despite the el cheapo special effects and cliche ridden story, "Island of Terror" is an enjoyable enough bit of film which doesn't ask too much of its viewing audience.


Night of the Big Heat (1967)

(Also released as "Island of the burning damned" and "Island of the burning doomed")

The remote Scottish island community of Fara is experiencing a massive heatwave..in winter!. As temperatures soar, the locals begin to notice some odd things happening, strange lights are seen in the sky, radio, telephones and TVs stop working and windows, bottles and cars start exploding in the heat.
The local innkeeper, Jeff (Patrick Allen) and his wife moved to the island recently, supposedly because his work as a novellist was being crippled by writers block, however in reality it was due to Jeff having a sexual relationship with a young woman named Angela, who has followed them.

A local man is found apparently having been burned to death, which on top of the unexplained deaths by burning of some of the local farm animals, arouses the curiosity of Dr. Hanson (Christopher Lee) a scientist with a penchant for unexplained phenomena.

As it turns out, the island is being used as a beach head for an alien invasion (hence the strange lights in the sky). The aliens themselves being composed of a highly resistant magma like substance which radiates an immense heat, which means any living thing they approach is consumed by fire.
Dr. Stone (Peter Cushing) attempts to travel to Faras coastal radar station to warn the mainland about the invasion, but is killed after his car overheats and he is cornered by one of the creatures.
Dr. Hanson deduces that the aliens are attracted by heat and light, so they contrive a plan to lure all of the aliens to the gravel pit by setting fire to some hay bales, and then blowing the gravel pit up and burying the creatures alive. In the mean time, the immense heat is driving people insane, and a local man attempts to rape Angela, which causes Jeff to reveal the true reason for their being there (and provides one of the films most hilarious unintentionally funny lines in the form of "don't you understand woman?, I wanted her, I wanted her body!", which when said in Patrick Allens, gruff, authoratative voice sounds ridiculous) 
Eventually the trap is sprung, however after the explosives have detonated, it turns out that the creatures were completely unaffected by being buried, and burrow their way back out, however, just as all hope is lost, a heavy rainstorm blows in from the sea, and the aliens, who depend on heat for survival, are all killed as the heavy rainfall cools them down and dissolves them.

This is an extremely silly film on many levels. Firstly the aliens who we are told come from a planet which is much hotter than Earth, decide to invade one of the coldest parts of the British Isles.
Secondly, the effects used to show the aliens are proper bargain basement, with the aliens being little more than plastic bubbles with a light inside them, however being as this film stars both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee, as well as Patrick Allen, you can see they had to save a few bob somewhere.
Most of the films actual "story" comes from the interactions between the locals, especially so with Jeffs pseudo love triangle thing going off.

Again, this is a film which doesn't expect much from its audience, but provides something to watch in lieu of there being nothing else.

Apocalypse How? - Meteor (1979)

Oooooh, its been a while since I thought about extinction level events, but while furtling around youtube tonight I found this forgotten gem.

Meteor is a 1979 disaster film released by American International Pictures.

Sean Connery stars as Dr. Paul Bradley, a former scientific advisor to the U.S government who had a "falling out" with them after they co-opted his design for a space based anti meteor defence weapon to serve as a strategic nuclear missile platform to threaten the Russians with.

The film itself takes place over the course of a week.
On the first day (Sunday, December 1st) "Challenger 2", the U.S mission to put man on Mars, arrives at the asteroid belt after ground control receives telemetry suggesting a comet will pass through this belt, and they would like the ship to gather as much data as possible.
Unfortunately though, the comet strikes an asteroid, which explodes and sends a 5 mile wide chunk of rock hurtling towards Earth, as well as destroying the space ship.

The next day (Monday) Dr. Bradley finds himself being pulled back to the department of defence, who inform him of the incoming meteor, and require his expertise in using the orbital weapons platform, named "Hercules", so they can destroy the meteor ("Orpheus") .
At first Bradley is somewhat bitter at the request that has been made of him, being as the military thought that his notion that the Earth could ever be threatened by a meteor was ridiculous and stole his idea to use as a weapon, but when he is confronted with the cold facts by his friend Harry Sherwood, he decides to help as best he can.

By this time, the Soviets have also detected the approaching meteor, but, in the USSR just the same as the USA, politics begins to gum up the works of actually being able to effectively defend the Earth from total annihilation.
By day 4 (Wednesday) Bradley has calculated that even with the 12 missiles available to him from Hercules, there wont be enough power to deflect or destroy the meteor, however, as both he and the military have long suspected, the Soviets also have a similar space based weapon equipped with missiles, the main problem lies in getting them to admit it.
The Soviets send Bradleys opposite number, Dr. Dubov to speak with him, and Dubov eventually provides the information that, theoretically, if the USSR had such a weapon, which may or may not be called "Peter the Great", it would, in theory have roughly the same number of missiles with the equivalent explosive payload.
The military presence in the control centre (which is hidden in a disused subway station beneath the AT&T building in New York), represented by General Adlon (Martin Landau ) takes an intense dislike to handing over the matter to scientists as it is, but has an especially distasteful attitude towards allowing communists to participate, even though as Bradley tries to explain, if they are going to stand any chance of pulling the mission off successfully, they need the Soviet Unions help, after a loud argument in the control room, Dr. Dubov telephones the Soviet Embassy and orders them to allow him to use "Peter the Great" to back "Hercules" up and ensure success.


On days 5 and 6, smaller splinters from Orpheus begin impacting on Earth, most of them burning up harmlessly, but others manage to hit and cause massive disasters, including tidal waves, avalanches and earthquakes.
The two weapons are repositioned, and a final plan is formed, "Peter the Great" will fire first, then 2 hours later, "Hercules" will launch, both sets of missiles will rendezvous in space and travel to a set point in the meteors path, where they will explode in 3 waves. The shockwaves from these blasts will either deflect or destroy the meteor before it impacts, however, as Harry points out to the President, no one has ever attempted anything like this before, and, given the massive variables inherent to an operation like this, the odds of success are anyones guess, but, if it fails, 2 hours after detonation, the meteor will destroy the Earth.

On the final day (Saturday, December 7th) the Soviet satellite fires its missiles without any problems, however, with less than 2 minutes to go before Hercules is due to fire, Bradley receives a message from the Joderell Bank observatory that a fragment of the meteor will impact New York just before they are due to order the launch of the American missiles.
Bradley orders everyone to wait, and just after Hercules launches, the fragment hits, destroying most of the business district and burying the command centre under tons of rubble.

In space, the missiles link up and begin their attack run, although along the way some missiles malfunction and careen off into space.

Back on Earth, the command centre personnel are recovering from the meteor strike, some of them, General Adlon included, were killed. Bradley finds an escape route which will lead them out through the subway tunnels, however just as they appear to be making good their escape, the walls of the tunnel begin to collapse and water from the Hudson river begins pouring in.



In space, the missiles impact the meteor, successfully destroying it.

On Earth, just after the meteor is destroyed, the command centre survivors manage to get themselves to another subway station, and with the assistance of other survivors from the station, they mange to dig themselves an escape tunnel back to the surface, where they learn that the missiles were successful.

In a ceremony of grand pomp and circumstance, Dr Dubov and his translator wave goodbye and depart for the Soviet Union, while a narrator states that the film was inspired by the real life findings of Project Icarus.




When first released, this film as panned by critics, mostly citing bad acting, poor scripting, cold war cliches and ridiculous special effects.

I can agree with the poor special effects, as some of them are proper cheapo-nasty, and the script isn't particularly anything worth shouting about, but, despite the distinct "TV movie" feel to this film, it isn't all THAT bad, and is quite entertaining to watch so long as you don't place too much by way of expectation on its shoulders.
Its certainly much better than "Deep Impact" or "Armageddon" because it doesn't rely on cheesy sentimentalism to carry it, instead, it shows that against something as awesomely powerful as a meteor, all mankind can really do is cross their collective fingers and hope that everything goes ok.

Cardfight!! Vanguard - The Movie: Stand up!, Vanguard! (2012)

So, feeling a little drained after watching the "Asia Circuit" series in the space of 3 days, I decided that the best way of having a rest from watching Cardfight!! Vanguard was to..... watch a movie based on the same thing.....

Just a warning before you read on, this review/recap contains spoilers, so if you haven't seen the film and don't want the storyline completely ruined, go watch it first.



Ready?, Ok....

This 2012 "Movie" (although like many Japanese movies based on popular TV shows, it is actually more of a TV special than a cinema piece) was made following the success of the first TV anime series.
Unlike the anime series however, this is a live action presentation, and, oddly, the actual card game is simply used as a springboard to tell a story, rather than being a critical part of the storyline overall.
That's not to say this is a bad film, but it certainly isn't a good one either.

The storyline goes as follows:
Hiroki is a shy young boy who is bullied a lot at school. One day, he is attacked by a gang of bullies and attracts the attention of a mysterious stranger called "Daigo" (translates roughly as "great power", played by the Japanese musician/voice actor of the same name, who is playing an exaggerated version of himself). Daigo, in an attempt to save the boy, and impress an attractive teacher from Hirokis school, ends up getting himself beaten up by the kids, however, after the bullies run away, he finds out that Hirokis teacher, Maria, is worried about him, so Daigo takes it upon himself to help the boy come out of his shell.
Daigo gets himself appointed as a "Special teacher" at the school Hiroki attends, by saying he is a "Genius" and a graduate of Harvard University (although the diploma/certificate he shows to prove his credentials is from the "HarvardA university", and is obviously fake), and embarks on a campaign to cheer Hiroki up and get him to do something other than sulk.
As it turns out, Hiroki is a fairly depressed kid, as he is regularly left home alone by his workaholic father, and his mother died some years previously, which deeply affected Hiroki emotionally. To make matters worse, Hirokis father, on the rare occasion when he does actually see and speak to him, is very dismissive of Hiroki's hobby, which is playing the CCG "Cardfight!! Vanguard", dismissing it as a stupid waste of time and not the activity of a man.
Daigo finds that Hirokis passion for Vanguard helps him gain confidence, and that Hiroki is pretty good at the game, so he encourages him to challenge the lead bully, Teru, to a game, Hiroki reluctantly does, and suffers a humiliating defeat.
Daigo however, doesn't give up, he learns as much as he can about the game and then offers Hiroki encouragement in pursuing his hobby, even though Hirokis father is still disinterested and abusive to his son about it.
Daigo, along with Maria, encourage Hiroki to enter a Vanguard team tournament, in order to prove his worth and get revenge on Teru for his bullying by beating him in fair competition. The first few rounds go well, and "Team Hiroki" manage to get through to the finals against "Team Teru", which will be held the following day, however disaster strikes when Maria (who is also pretty good at the game herself) is injured in an accident, and is left unable to play in the finals. Daigo approaches Hirokis father to replace her, but again he is dismissive, and Hiroki is angered by his fathers uncaring attitude. Via a flashback sequence, we learn that Hirokis mother was the one who bought Hiroki his first Vanguard starter deck, and regularly played the game with him, even when she was in hospital dying from some unspecified illness. Hiroki says that his father was never there for him, or his mother, and that he has never once shown any emotion over the mothers death.
The tournament comes, and Hirokis father attends, at first though pleading that he cannot participate because he is busy with work, but is eventually persuaded to put work second, just for once.
The final gets underway, with Hirokis father going first, using the deck that Hirokis mother built, he is defeated.
Daigo goes next, and manages to beat Terus "Special Teacher", who throughout the film has shown himself to be a bit of a sadist and spent his time teaching Teru to be the same, which causes the teacher to make a childish outburst before fleeing the building screaming like a child because he lost.
Finally, Hiroki plays against Teru, and, after a very tense match, Hiroki again loses, meaning Teru is awarded the prize for overall winner, however, Hiroki earns Terus respect and friendship by showing he can stand up for himself, Hiroki also learns that unlike what he had previously thought, his father did visit his mother shortly before she died, where they discussed Hiroki and how his mothers illness was affecting him, but he was unable to show his emotion because he dealt with his wife's death by throwing himself into his work rather than confront what had happened.

After father and son are reconciled, Daigo announces that Hiroki no longer needs him, as he has learned everything he needs to, but just as he leaves, Hiroki challenges him to a game of Vanguard....







This film is very, very Japanese, and was never really intended for consumption by non-Japanese audiences, so is somewhat difficult to watch in places unless you at least have a basic understanding of Japanese custom and culture.

I do like that the film takes place in the "real world", and not the "Anime world", with the characters being believable and not over the top anime stereotypes, and quite simply, the story boils down to one of an emotionally scarred boy reconnecting with his cold and distant father over a shared interest.
The fact that this interest is Cardfight!! Vanguard is purely incidental and only included for marketing reasons, hell, Hirokis passion could have been for playing chess, creative writing or even freestyle disco dancing, it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest.
I also like how during the scenes where the game is being played it is portrayed as the game would be played in real life, without all of the anime trappings of holographic characters, burning justice backgrounds and so on, and I also like how the game play scenes are kept brief, showing only "important" parts of play and the match outcomes.Similarly, I also like how they didn't go down the route of portraying the game as a worldwide phenomenon, with thousands of fans watching games in ridiculously oversized stadiums, instead portraying the game as it really is, namely small groups of people getting together to play a game as a hobby, and not as a lifestyle choice. Finally, I like how the film is expressly NOT used as a marketing vehicle for selling cards to viewers, as although cardfight cards are shown, very few of them are specifically named, and none are really described as being "ultimate awesome unbeatable" etc etc.

The film does not benefit from its short run time of 80 minutes, as the scenes in which Hirokis back story are filled in are somewhat rushed, and in some cases a little bit non-sequitur, also, Daigos being there and backstory isnt explored at all, but that can be excused being as that he plays the role of "mysterious stranger/mentor", as explaining his background would remove some of his mystery.
On the subject of Daigo, it is rather strange by western cultural standards for a strange man to take such an interest in the life of a child he barely knows, however this is a fairly standard trope in Japanese entertainment (hence "mysterious stranger/mentor") but it is not without any kind of equivalent in western fiction, Doctor Who being the first one that springs to mind.
I think this film suffers badly from the limited budget and poor writing imposed on it by being a niche TV special.

So all in all, "Stand up!, Vanguard!" isn't a bad film, it isn't a good one either, and certainly wouldn't be recommended to those who are looking to get a taster of the Cardfight universe.

Poundland DVD film extravaganza! - "Manborg" (2011) & "$hopping" (1994)

Well, today (Saturday 7th June) has been nothing more than a miserable wet boring day, a bit like a sunday really.
So, to relieve the tedium and try to resist the urge to blow my brains out, I decided to watch a couple of DVDs I bought the other day from Poundland.

Yes, yes I know, Poundland isn't the most respected place in the world, but on the odd occasion, amongst the cheapo plastic bits of tat and low quality clothing imported from far eastern sweatshops they do occasionally have something half decent, which more often than not ends up being either some sort of food item, or something which was previously expensive but somehow ended up being bought in bulk during a liquidation sale or something.

Todays purchases are, as per the title of this scribbling, 2 DVD films entitled "Manborg" and "Shopping".


Manborg (2011 - Astron-6 Films)

A little reading up on this film shows that production began in 2009 and completed in 2010, finally being released after nearly 2 years worth of post production. Astron-6 is a low, low, low budget film studio that specialises in sci-fi/comedy/horror type films, all starring people you have never heard of, sort of like Asylum films, except with a much lower budget.
Speaking of budgets, this film was made with a budget of approximately $1000 Canadian dollars (thats roughly £550) , but, we cant hold that against them.
What attracted me to this film was its tagline, which is prominently displayed on the box in big letters "NAZI DEMON UPRISING" ........ "hmmm", thought I, "now if thats not worth a quid, I dunno what is".

I wasnt disappointed either.

From the minute you press "play", you are treated to about 90 minutes of pure, unadulterated silliness, with nazi demon creatures fighting stereotyped human heroes in a bizarre futuristic landscape (all of which is achieved via an excessive but somehow strangely satisfying use of green screen filming techniques). The storyline, or at least what there is of it, is fairly coherent and does just enough so you know whats going on, but doesn't bog your viewing experience down with to much boring exposition, after all, at heart, this film is an action movie.
There's a lot of humour in there, although said humour has its tongue firmly planted in its cheek and relies mainly on one liners, visual gags and comic book esque situation comedy pieces which will leave you with a slight grin at the least and/or a groan followed by a *face/palm* at the most, but trust me, you'll enjoy doing it.

Action scenes take place within a bizarre hybrid world of 80s-esque action movie sequences and anime inspired martial arts fighting as the heroes machine gun, karate chop, stab and flying kick their way through hordes of stop motion created monsters, culminating in a final "Mortal Kombat" esque battle to the death with the main bad guy of the film, "Count Draculon".

Seriously, this film is well worth the quid, trust me, its a nice bit of sci-fi cheese that although its visuals aren't as slick as Hollywood, or even Bollywood, efforts (it pretty much watches like every homebrew fan film you've seen on youtube) but it more than makes up for it with its heart and its ability to effectively make a film in 1980s Hollywood action film style without being too pretentious or just downright bad.

8/10

Shopping (1994 - Film 4 international)

Remember back in the mid to late 90s when the British film industry finally started making films that werent shite for the first time in nearly 20 years?, classics such as "Trainspotting", "Shallow Grave" et al?, well "Shopping" was one of the early ones that no one really remembers.
Starring Jude Law in his first major starring role, along with his future wife Sadie Frost, "Shopping" is one of those films which lets the audience know that being a theiving toerag is glamourous and awesome.
At the time the film was made, the British film industry couldn't make a film without making some mention of criminal activities, Shopping is no different, as it focuses on a group of teenagers who enjoy nothing better than stealing cars, driving them around at high speed before ramming them into shops and stealing anything their little mitts can grab before the rozzers turn up and give them a stern talking to with their bushy moustaches.
For its time, its subject matter was quite relevant, on the one hand, the rise in youth crime was becoming concerning, and the phenomena of "ram raiding" was a particular favourite way for ne'er do wells to get their hands on phat lewt without having to make too much of an effort (today, ram raiding is almost unheard of, due to the fact that most shop keepers and insurance companies found that simply by installing roller shutters and concrete bollards in front of shop doorways and windows, it would prevent scrotes from ramming them down)

So, right at the beginning the film lets you know it fits into the "gritty urban drama" catagory by having the opening credits show you a series of helicopter shots of various industiral factories and such pumping out flames and smoke and so on, all to the background score of some early 90s dance music, we then get introduced to the main character, Billy (Jude Law) who is being released from prison after a 3 month stint for car theft by the local chief inspector (Jonathan Pryce), he thumbs his nose at the establishment by saying the only thing he has learned in prison is not to get caught.
He quickly falls back in to his old habits and goes back to thieving cars so he can drive around various decaying locations in urban London (albeit they tried to disguise said locations to make them appear "generic") whilst spouting 90s youth related expletives such as "booyaka" and so on.
Billys friends are all stereotypes of what film directors though the "disaffected youth" of the 90s were, whom he meets up with in a smoky backstreet to the sound of thumping drum and bass while some other characters spout car engine characteristics the script required them to memorise so you can understand that all these kids care about is living fast and dying young etc etc etc.
Billy and his mates, sorry, "m8s", soon run afoul of the local 10 bob gangsta (a very young looking Sean Pertwee) who is trying to break into the big time by doing jobs for a much more organised and slick mobster (Sean Bean) culminating in Billy planning a big heist by knocking over a massive swanky shopping centre, however this scheme goes awry when it turns out that Billy and his mates have been dobbed in to the police, and find a load of rozzers waiting for them when they try and break in to get their lewt.

Throughout the film, Billy is somewhat childishly obsessed with making a name for himself amongst the ghetto kids by doing feats of daring do and pissing off the local police, even though at numerous points he is offered the opportunity to leave all of it behind and move on, he chooses not to, and the film ends with him and his girly companion laid in the wreck of a car after he tried to prove how much more badass he was than the police.
The character of Billy is somewhat believable, given the context of the film and the time when it was made, but Jude Law manages to make the character proper out of place due to the fact that the urban hero that is Billy speaks in BBC english while everyone around him speaks in ghetto innit.

While this is still a good film, it is chock full of proper dodgy cliches, over exaggerations and stunted awkward dialogue that was very obviously written by someone who had very little clue about "da yoof" were up to in those days, much less any idea about how "gangstas" work.

still, not that bad, but not that good either.

6/10

Sci-Fi Triple threat! - Oblivion, After Earth & Enders Game

Seeing as how I feel like shit today I decided to break with tradition and watch some modern, mainstream fillums.

Yeah I know, but I'm on some strong medication at the minute so it impairs my ability to think rationally.

So the first offering from Hollywoods organ is:-

Oblivion - (2013)

Hmm, this one is based on a "hugely popular graphic novel" (that I've never heard of) and stars Tom Cruise (bad sign right there), Morgan Freeman (hes roughing it), Olga Kurylenko and some other people, none of whom I have ever heard of.

Plot then..erm, well, first off the film lambasts us for causing a shitload of environmental damage but then says that at some point post the year 2017 we get attacked by ALEONZ!111!!11, whom we promptly beat by nuking the fuck out of our own planet, thus requiring the survivors to up sticks and move to Titan (umm, why not mars?, no seriously, it is the best prospect for human colonisation and its much bigger and closer than fucking Titan...*face/palm*).
So yadda yadda yadda, Tom Cruise does some hero shit and saves the day...if you wanna know the full plot go watch it....however, I do have the following criticisms, which are spoilers:-

#1 - Cliche-o-rama.
If you can think of a cliche, this film has it.
There's the obligatory implied sex scenes (in order to give the audience some level of titillation while at the same time making sure that it is suitable for teen aged audiences), theres an aerial chase scene in which the aircraft is flown into and chased along a canyon, escaping by flying through an impossibly narrow crack, there's a machine gun battle, there are drawn out "kung fu esque" fist fights, and at one point, Mr Cruise gets to ride a motorbike (like he does in nearly every film he is in)

#2 - "you will find this woman attractive".
Hollywood likes to tell the male audience who they should have sexual fantasies over, and in which order of preference they should play with themselves over the pieces of meat that are paraded on screen.
In this case, we are initially told to find Andrea Riseborough attractive, because for some reason she seems to spend most of the film being stereotypically British, as well as having seemingly permanently dialated pupils (a sign of female sexual arousal). She also spends a lot of time wearing just enough so that you  cant see any skin, but not so much as you don't get a hint of tit from time to time (although you get full on arse when she decides to go for random swim, however thanks to the miracle of airbrushing, there's no boob or pubic region on show - sowwee boys, but this is a 12a cert film).
All of this careful teasing though goes straight out the window once Olga character makes her appearance, in which case she becomes the main lust interest of the piece but operates under the same rules, no skin, "funny" accent and oddly enough but something I'm noticing a lot in modern films, "women go barefoot during emotional scenes"...yeah, keep a look out for it, every time an emotional scene/romantic scene is played out in this movie, the women are always barefoot, but during scenes where they are supposed to be relaxing or conducting business type dialogue, they suddenly remember to wear their stiletto heels. Hollywood has a foot fetish.

#3 - Heroic bloodshed.
The films two heroes gets to die a glorious death to save the human race, but one of them manages to come back (hint: its not the black guy)...yeah I know this should really be a cliche but seriously, its a cop out ending.

So all in all, I Give Oblivion a 7 out of 10, because although its a cliche ridden piece of cheese, its still somewhat entertaining and the visual effects are quite pretty to look at. Id have given it an 8/10, but the wooden acting and cliche shit put me off.

After Earth - 2013

So, this one is based on an idea by Will Smith himself, so he did what he usually does and casts himself and his son in the two lead roles.
I'm not gonna bother going into the plot for this one because simply put, there isn't anything really worth mentioning.
Suffice to say,t his entire film is a simple "why does my daddy not love me" story which didn't need to have the sci-fi element tacked on to it (the story could easilly have been told in modern times with father and son being out on a camping trip together or something), being as that the only real major plot element hinges on "Kitai" (Smith jr) getting his daddys (Smith sr) respect by overcoming his fear and killing a bear-monster in order to save his injured dad.

An awful piece of pseudo sci-fi trash which is obviously influenced in some manner by scientology, and goes on way, way too long to be interesting in any way, shape or form.

3/10 - simply for some impressive special effects.

Enders Game - 2013

Based on the popular sci-fi/moralising series of novels by Orson Scott Card, the film stars Harrison Ford, Ben Kingsley and some kids who ive never heard of.
Essentially a "Harry Potter in space" type affair, Enders game tells the story of a young outcast who manages to get ahead in life simply by being smarter than just about everyone  around him, although that said, his childlike naivete doesnt allow him to see when he is being manipulated.

I quite enjoyed this film, out of the three I watched tonight, it was my favourite. Although some of the scenes in the film watch like bad passages from any number of "weird school" type books (which in essence is the archetype that Enders game falls into, hence why I said "Harry Potter in space"), and the film tones down the level of violence and aggression found in the original book somewhat, the main storyline manages to survive on to film more or less intact.
Harrison Ford makes a good performance as the ruthless and pragmatic colonel Graff, and even Asa Butterfield manages to play "Ender" Wiggins very well, alternating between his naive childlike state to his ruthless and sometimes sadistic state without making it seem false or forced.

The story itself is an interesting one, which essentially boils down to a tale of a young man striving for acceptance and eventually learning to firstly accept the consequences of his actions, and secondly to take an active role in controlling his own life and destiny, rather than simply tagging along for the ride as many of his contemporaries do.
The film also takes on the subject of bullying in a fairly positive way, commending careful consideration of options before taking matters into your own hands.

Yeah, I liked this film - 9/10

Apocalypse How? - Battle beneath the Earth (1967)

My latest visit to the world of impending doom is this piece of classic cheese, courtesy of MGM.

"Battle beneath the Earth" was released in 1967 and, as the time it was released was during one of the most unstable periods of the Cold War, its chock full of bizarre paranoia about impending invasion by those DIRTY COMMUNISTS!111!1!1!one!1!!11111!!!, except this time round, instead of being of the Russian variety, instead it offers up a dose of Chinese commie related laughs.

Starring no one I've ever heard of, apart from Ed Bishop, this sci-fi film really takes the plot line to the edge of believability:-

The US Navy has been tinkering with some seismic devices in an effort to detect underground nuclear tests from within the communist bloc, however their experiments cant seem to make a device capable of accurately differentiating between the sound of a nuclear explosion and the sound of mining operations.
All this is rendered moot when a man is picked up by the police in Las Vegas  after raving in the street about sounds he can hear when he puts his ear to the ground, however his insane/drunken ravings are soon proved to be rather worrying when coal miners discover a series of tunnels by accident after a mineshaft collapse.
The marines go in and find that deep underground, some rogue Chinese agents have spent a lot of time digging tunnels which lead all the way from China to the US, and have begin planting nuclear bombs under most of Americas major cities.
The marines manage to safely defuse the first lot they find, however those slippery commies have more nasty tricks up their sleeves, tricks which, they hope, will lead to the complete downfall of the free world and the global domination of the Chinese empire.

Yeah, they don't make sci-fi silliness like this no more, which is a shame. Nontheless though, this film is a classic bit of cheese which will require you to leave your sense of logic at the door when watching, but trust me, if you do this, you will find this film a fairly entertaining way to kill 90 minutes.

Dystopiarama - THX 1138 - Directors Cut (1971/2004)

Its not often I see the phrase "directors cut" mentioned in association with one of George Lucas's films and think "ooh!", although that said, I'm one of the few that quite likes what hes done with the original star wars movies, well to a certain extent (fuck you Jar Jar!).

So yeah, THX 1138 was George Lucas's first "proper" film as a professional director, and was based on his earlier short film "Electric Labyrinth - THX 1138 4EB" (which is included as a bonus feature on the directors cut DVD/Blu-Ray).

Set in some unspecified future period, of which the film makes no attempts or efforts to explain whatsoever it stars Robert Duvall as the titular THX 1138, a "drone" worker who lives in a society where there are no real individuals, and society is controlled according to the strict dictats of a computerised economical system, and where the law is enforced by silver faced and extremely amiable police robots.
The people of this bizarre future are kept in a permanent state of sedation as they mindlessly go about their assigned and extremely rigorously micromanaged work duties, with failure to take their state prescribed medications being a crime.
The state also ruthlessly enforces strict controls over individuals private lives, for example, each citizen is billeted to live in spartan accommodations with a roommate, sexual activity of any sort between people is completely banned, and the only entertainments allowed to the citizens revolve around watching banal "entertainment" holographic propaganda (one scene features THX watching a pornographic hologram while a machine masturbates him, this is the only permitted sexual release afforded to the people of this bizarre future).

THX  however, along with his room mate, a female designated "LUH 3417" have ceased taking their state prescribed medications, and have embarked on a sexual relationship, however the omnipresent observers note this and soon enough they both begin to run afoul of the law, especially so when THX finds himself unable to concentrate at his mundane job assembling police robots, which almost causes a nuclear accident.

The film itself is a rather surreal one to watch, as the bizarre environment and emotionally stunted behaviour of the characters can become somewhat confusing to the casual viewer, a matter on which one of the characters (SEN 5241 - played by Donald Pleasence) actually muses upon in the films final act, as he ponders why there appear to be gaps in the fabric of the society whilst standing in front of a picture of Jesus (named OMM 0910 in the film, representing the official religion of the state, whom citizens "worship" by entering phone booth like chambers and telling the picture their woes while a series of pre recorded responses offer empathy and understanding, but provide no advice or assistance. All conversations with OMM are recorded and anyone found to be in violation of any law is arrested).

As this is the Directors Cut, and following in his tradition of "doing up" his older films, this version of the movie restores some scenes cut from the original theatrical release, alongside newly shot scenes and scenes "improved" by use of modern CGI. 

Make no mistake about it, first time viewers will more than likely not understand the films content and will miss some of the references made by characters featured, but, when viewed "in the proper manner", THX 1138 is a skillfully crafted piece of nihilistic cinema, and Duvall does a wonderful job of playing a man whose brain has been "switched on" for the first time in his life and caused him to question and rebel against his surroundings.

This may not be a film to all peoples tastes, and can be considered to be rather boring in some places, but I quite like it.

Aint War Hell? - Dr. Strangelove (1964)

Dr. Strangelove, or, to give it its correct and full title, "Dr. Strangelove Or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb" is a seminal film made in 1964, directed and co-written by Stanley Kubrick.
Based on the book "Red Alert" (also published under the title "Two hours to doom") by author Peter George, the film takes a satirical look at cold war politics, set against the backdrop of attempts to prevent the mutually assured destruction of the human race in a global nuclear conflict.

Peter Sellers, who at the time was considered to be a "bankable" name in films, crams in three roles, fistly as US president Merkin Muffley (a slang name for a pubic wig) , then as RAF exchange officer Group Captain Lionel Mandrake,  and then finally as the titular character of "Dr. Strangelove", the ex-Nazi scientific advisor the the president.
Sellers was also cast to play the role of Texan bomber commander Major T.J "King" Kong, however his inability to mimic a texan accent, coupled with an injury which would have prevented him from working on the mock up set of a B-52 bomber meant that the role was recast with veteran western actor Slim Pickens in the role (Pickens was kept unaware that the role was part of a comedy film, so thus he played his part completely straight, or, to put it more honestly, he played the role as himself).

 James Earl Jones makes an early film appearance as one of the B-52s crew, and actor George C Scott plays the role of fanatical US General Turgison (Kubrick tricked Scott into playing the role of Turgidson in a far more OTT manner than Scott was willing to play him, simply by telling Scott that he wanted him to do an OTT performance as a warm up to shooting the main scenes, then Kubrick used the scenes in which Scott behaved in a ridiculous manner in the final film. Scott was not pleased with this and refused to ever work with Kubrick again as he felt that Kubrick didn't take his talents seriously)

This film has, quire rightly, been lauded as one of the best films ever made, simply because it presents the very real concern of the outbreak of world war 3 in a manner which, even though acted out in a comedic and somewhat farcical manner, was a very real threat throughout the 60s and 70s, and even though a caption at the beginning of the film states that a situation such as the one presented in the film could never happen, it turned out that findings found after the cold war ended showed that indeed such a situation could have easily occurred on both sides.

The plot is fairly simplistic, but also complicated at the same time, requiring some knowledge of the circumstances of the cold war in order to fully appreciate.
Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper (USAF) blames Soviet fluoridation of drinking water for a single episode or premature ejaculation and the humiliation that resulted from it, and thus his paranoid and ultra nationalistic mind arrives at the conclusion that the only way for hm to be able to preserve the "precious bodily fluids" of honest Americans is to start a nuclear war.
To this end, he uses a little known "Emergency plan R", which would allow air force commanders to make nuclear strikes on Soviet target following the destruction of Washington D.C without authorisation from the president.
To this end, he orders the 843rd bomber wing under his command to proceed to attack their pre assigned targets within the Soviet Union, and, to ensure the bomber crews do not deviate from the plan, their communications are all to be routed through a device called the "CRM-114 Discriminator", which will automatically ignore any radio signals which are not preceded by a three letter code, which only Ripper himself knows.
Very quickly, the forces of the USA and the USSR realise that this isn't a training exersize, and begin frantically working together to stop the mutual annihilation of the human species.


One of the real gems in this film is the way in which the military types are portrayed as being both warmongering and unable to think for themselves, as they blindly follow orders to the letter with no regard or interest in what they are actually doing. The encounter between Mandrake and Colonel "Bat" Guano exemplifies this splendidly, as Mandrake is the only person realistically capable of stopping world war 3, but yet Guanos rigid adherence to his orders delays Mandrake in preventing the war while they argue over semantics and nuances in the orders given to Guano, resulting in some believable and very dark humour which I could actually see happening in real life.

The final scene, featuring Dr. Strangeloves idea for preserving human life after the war, is simply brilliant, and showcases that even as the world is ending around them, the idiots in power are more concerned about staying in power than they are about stopping disaster, especially as it means that they will all basically become entitled to a lifetime of consequence free indiscriminate sex with young female survivors.


D.R Strangelove is most definitely a film that EVERYONE should watch, as aside from beautifully illustrating the total pointlessness of war, it also beautifully points out the uncomfortable fact that most people in positions of power are either completely incompetent, completely inept and/or are only interested in furthering their own gains.

I give this film 10 out of 10 Teller/Ulam devices!