Serial offender - Elidor (CBBC 1995)

Once again delving into the murky depths of children's television, I find myself revisiting an oft forgotten serial named "Elidor"

(Series Title Card)

"Elidor" was a six part 1995 fantasy series which aired on CBBC, and was an adaptation of the 1965 novel of the same name by Alan Garner.

Set contempory times (mostly in the mid 90s Manchester and northern Cheshire), Elidor sees a group of young people embark on an adventure to save the magical alternate realm from "the Darkness", an army of men and creatures who are evil.

The world of Elidor is protected by four magical treasures, which are housed in four castles, however due to the war with the Darkness, three of the castles have been destroyed and the treasures have been lost, however, an ancient legend tells that a group of children will one day find the treasures and return them to the remaining castle, where their magic will once again protect the land from evil.

In our world, siblings Roland, Helen, David and Nicholas Watson are exploring Manchester, when, after getting a bit bored, they consult a street finder machine (once a common sight in British towns and cities, now almost totally unheard of) to see if it can point them in the direction of something to do. the map directs them to a run down part of the city, where they find a creepy little curiosity shop. After looking at the various knick-knacks the shop has on sale, David chooses to purchase a video game named "the chase", however when he asks the shop keeper how much it is, he begins a long monologue about 4 people being chased, one of whom is strong, but is getting stronger. He then gives David the game for nothing, insisting that he come back later and pay him what he thinks its worth.
The siblings leave the shop and eventually end up in the grounds of an abandoned church, which they end up looking inside when Roland kicks a football through one of the windows, and they enter to try and retrieve it.
Throughout the day, Roland has been seeing a robed, hooded figure seemingly following and watching them, none of the others have noticed this, so dismiss his claims as being stupid, however this figure is Malebron, a man from Elidor who, using magic, has travelled through "the gate" (a place where the walls of reality are thin) to find the four children and get them to find the lost treasures.
The Darkness though has also seen this, and has sent a warrior, along with a creature called a "sniffer" (a sort of goblin like creature that can track scents) to stop the children from completing their task by using both sword and sorcery, as well as trickery.

Most of the story focuses on Roland, the aforementioned one who is "strong, but getting stronger", as he tries to figure out what is going on and what to do in the strange world of Elidor, all while trying to get the treasures (a spear, a sword, a chalice and a stone tablet) to the last remaining castle, where Malebron says he will bring Fyndhorne, the last Unicorn, so he can sing and restore light to Elidor...or something...

I have never read the original book, but from watching the series, I get the distinct impression that there is a lot of stuff missing from the adaptation,  I could be wrong, but it does seem that way.
The special effects used in the series look a bit dated now, being a mix of green screen and early CGI, and the acting, well, the less said about that the better.

All in all, Elidor is a bit of a confusing mess, and watches a bit like how you would expect to see people doing LARP for the first time act as they wander around the woods and dales mumbling pseudo medieval dialogue.
Yeah, its not very good, I didn't like it much back when I first saw it in 1995, and I like it even less now.

Medieval Mayhem! - Ironclad (2011) & Black Death (2010) - SPOILER ALERT

Oh look, I watched some films that were made within the past 5 years...that doesn't happen much!.

So, having watched Lindybeige's videos, where he takes a look at these films and critiques them for their appalling historical accuracy (The phrase "Useless floppy apron" had me pissing myself laughing for a considerable amount of time), I decided to watch these films myself, seeing as how i am not adverse to a bit of good old blood and guts action.

Ironclad

So, the opening blurb tells us that in the year 1215, King John I signed the Magna Carta, which is generally thought of as being a good thing, however almost immediately afterwards, Pope Innocent III declared the document null and void and ordered King John to reclaim his country from the rule of the Barons, thus sparking the "First Barons War".
The film itself deals with a heavily fictionalised and somewhat anachronistic version of the siege of Rochester castle, which did actually happen, although the film would have us believe that a mere 20 defenders held off a horde of over a thousand "Danish mercenaries" (the film basically depicts them as being Vikings, even though by 1215 there were no Vikings, but at least it doesn't go down the route of having them with big horns on their helmets), and makes out that King Johns forces had access to some substance similar to napalm to use in their attempted assaults...oh, and for some reason, the river Medway seems to have the power to appear and disappear at will, or at least, at the convenience of the films director.

So to start with, the title of the film seems to have been chosen in order to evoke mental images of fearless knights fighting the good fight etc etc, however throughout the film, only the main "good guy" character, the Templar "Thomas Marshall" is the only one to don a suit of armour, and even then its not until over half way through the film, and even then its just a helmet and quilted overcoat he puts on anyway, which he then wears for all of about 2 minutes as he rides his horse out of the castles stable towards the keep (a distance of about 50 feet) whilst swinging a flail/morning star type mace at the horde of not-vikings who have managed to get in through the gates, seemingly to little effect (they gang up on him and pull him off his horse in the end, because charging a single horse into a mob of blood crazed enemies is a bit stupid, and if this weren't a film, he would have been unhorsed and killed within seconds of hitting the mob).

Another familiar trope common to this sort of film is the "religious person breaking their vows" trope, which the chaste Thomas Marshall manages to do about two-thirds of the way in by having the sexy intercourse with the lady of the manor, the inevitability of which had been set up right from the moment they walked in through the castle gates.

One major bit of "artistic licence" in the film is the slow torture and death of William D'Aubigny (Played by Brian Cox) on orders of the King towards the end of the film, which is a right bugger being as that  the real life D'Aubigny survived the siege and died in 1236 after playing a big part in the second battle of Lincoln after King Johns death and the subsequent crowning of his son Henry III in 1216...a mere year after the time in which this film is set (I presume that after having his hands and feet cut off, then having his corpse fired from a trebuchet and splattering on the castle walls, he "got better").

So, is Ironclad a good film?, well, as a medieval sword swinging blood splatterfest goes, I'd have to say yes, despite it being riddled with historical inaccuracies, ridiculous plot developments, its a good example of one of those films you can put on and expect to get some level of entertainment out of without being bogged down with a ton of "talky" bits getting in the way of drawn out scenes of people getting limbs chopped off by improbably large swords and axes, and the inevitable blood splatter that follows.
As a film giving an accurate depiction of a recorded historical event and the world it took place in, then I'd have to say no.

Black Death

It is the year 1348 and the Black Death is sweeping the British isles, well, except that it isn't, and didn't reach full on epidemic levels until about 2 years later, but, despite this glaring historical error, that doesn't stop the heroic knight "Ulric" (Sean Bean) from going to a monastery and demanding that the Abbott (David Warner) furnish him with a guide so they can find a village that rumour has it has not been afflicted by the plague....er, ok.

Enter Brother Osmund, a novice/monk/friar (the film cant make its mind up exactly what he is, as he is referred to as being all three, even though this would both be impossible and somewhat stupid), who is a bit naughty in the fact that he has a secret girlfriend who he earlier sent to find this village so she would be safe from the plague...Ulric turning up gives him an excuse to leave the monastery and meet up with his bit on the side for sexy times etc etc, so he volunteers because apparently thats where he comes from and knows the way quite well, or something.

Nah, as it turns out, Ulric and his band of unkempt, smelly mercenaries are really looking for the village because apparently it contains a necromancer who is bringing the dead back to life, and God might not like that so they are going to hunt down and kill the necromancer because fuck you that's why.
In order to complete their mission, they have brought along a torturer and his highly anachronistic "iron maiden" like torture contraption, which is conveniently attached to a rickety looking wagon, so they can capture the necromancer and deliver him to the local bishop..I presume that will occur after they have killed him and he has then brought himself back to life or something...er, yeah.

So they travel across the countryside, via a forest which consists of nothing more than some very nice modern looking conifer trees which grow in perfectly straight lines, and have a few sword fights along the way before they finally find the village they were looking for...which turns out to be a haven for pagan heathens who don't believe in God.
Also along the way, Osmund finds out that his secret girlfriend seems to have been killed by the forest bandits, he blames himself and gets all dead guilty and shit, innit.



Ulric and his remaining men enter the village and are welcomed with open arms by the villages head man, "Hob", aka "The Lord Percy Percy", aka "Captain Darling", however despite being offered sanctuary and washing facilities (you know the villagers must be evil because they break the cliche of daring to wash both themselves and their clothing whilst living in medieval times) Ulric warns his men that evil is afoot so they must be on their guard.

So, the "necromancer" turns out to be a woman who is a skilled herbalist, and just uses the trappings of ritual and witchcraft to keep the yokels in awe of her super powers, plus also it helps that the village is miles away from anywhere else so the plague hasn't shown up there because they don't generally mix with outsiders.
Its at this point that the standard "religious person breaking their vows" cliche is used to get Osmund to not only kill his secret girlfriend (as it turns out, she wasn't killed in the forest, she just got beaten up a bit and the villagers found her and nursed her back to health, then the witch used her to try and get Osmund to come over to their side) , but to also turn him into an angry vengeance fueled killing machine.

Only Osmund and Ulrics right hand man Wolfstan manage to survive the inevitable bloodbath that occurs (once again, Sean Bean ends up getting killed in a film, surprise surprise) , Osmund returns home to the monastery, where Wolfstan, in voice over, states that although he never saw Osmund again, he heard stories that he had set himself up as something akin to a witch hunter and spent the remainde rof his days hunting down the woman who had bewitched him, killing lots of other women who had some resemblance to her in the process, but this was a good thing as he did it all in the name of God...oh, and God punished the evil pagan heathens by bringing the plague to the village, which promptly killed off anyone who was still living there (just before he dies, it is revealed that Ulric is suffering from the plague, thus bringing the disease there)

Yeahhhhhhh...again, this film is little more than an excuse to have people getting body parts cut off by big swords and axes, but, unlike Ironclad, it doesn't pretend to depict real events, or be a dramatic adaptation of events of historical note.
Also unlike Ironclad, the story is a rather poorly written  mish mash of plot holes sandwiched in between fighting and torture scenes, which ends on a rather dark note of having the young hero of the piece become Darth Vader and set about revenging himself on women via the excuse of being a witch hunter.

Good film?...no, not even as a bit of mindless flighting and bloodsplatter entertainment.

Serial offender - "Spellbinder" (1995 CITV)

Yeah, changing tack slightly from the norm, heres a series that aired on CITV.

"Spellbinder" was a 1995 Sci-Fantasy serial (26 Episodes) made as a co-production between the Australian children's film foundation (many of whose shows were a staple of kids TV in the UK during the 90s) an Polish broadcaster Telewizja Polska.

The series doesn't really star anyone you've ever heard of, although the parts shot in the "Spellbinder World" (all scenes of which were shot in Poland) star some famous names associated with Polish TV and films, The Australian scenes though (our world)  don't contain anyone of any real note, unless you count actress Heather Mitchell, who had a small part in the film "Muriels Wedding".


The story involves Paul, a teenage boy with a penchant for amateur science falling through a portal into a parallel dimension, created when a prank involving a lodestone outcrop and some high voltage cable goes a bit wrong.
The world he ends up in is ruled by an elite known as the "Spellbinders", people who use their fantastic powers to rule over the people of their land by fear, especially through the use of their "flying ships" and their power suits, which allow them to hurl bolts of energy at will.
At first, Paul thinks he has somehow travelled back through time, however when he sees the Spelbinders powers he recognises them for what they are...scientists who misrepresent their crude understanding of science as magic.
His adventures bring him into conflict with the spellbinder Ashka and her sycophantic apprentice Gryvon, who want to use Pauls knowledge of science (which, even though he only has a basic understanding of it, is actually more advanced than theirs in many ways) to help them create crude gunpowder weapons so she can conquer the world etc.
Over the course of the series it becomes apparent that the Spellbinders are not as evil as Paul and his native friend Rianna thought they were, so Paul helps them to put a stop to Ashkas evil plans.
About half way through the series, Paul manages to return home, only to have Ashka follow him and then try to use the science of our world to build an improved version of the power suit (which can now fly and is not susceptible to being shorted out by getting wet) and to acquire weapons to use back in her own world.
As it turns out, the "Spellbinder world" was once much more advanced than our own, but at some point in the past, a terrible disaster (implied to be a massive nuclear accident) sent the world into darkness, thus the spellbinders that survived decided to withhold their knowledge from the other survivors, but over time their own knowledge is diminished, tot he point at which they are now no longer capable of manufacturing new machines. To hide this, a series of laws are enforced which forbid the common people from inventing anything new or pursuing knowledge.

The story is nothing new, but, I have yet to see anything else with a similar premise and definite steampunk leanings appear on TV.
One other thing I like about this series is that many of the science concepts used are actually real science, and explained as such in a way that is educational and entertaining, even the parts that are science fiction are based somewhat on theoretical science, mostly the application of magnetic fields.
Oddly, even though CITV began airing this show in the summer of 1995, they only showed the first 13 episodes, meaning the series never aired in full in the UK, thus the only means of seeing the series in its entirety is via bootleg methods.


A second series, named "Spellbinder: Land of the Dragon Lord" followed in 1997. Although this second series is along the same lines as the first, the only returning characters were Ashka and Gryvon, and documented the discovery of a third alternate dimension, which resembles a high tech version of ancient china.

Serial offender - "Earthfasts" (CBBC 1994)

The early to mid 90s seemed to be a golden age for CBBC, especially considering the amount of serials they produced and/or screened in the sci-fi/fantasy genre, there seemed to be so many of them coming one after the other at one point, although not all of them were particularly memorable...
This weeks delve into this murky world of CBBC serial drama finds me stumbling across an ill remembered one...Earthfasts...

Eeh by gum, this ones set in Yorkshire, ah tell thee lad!....
*ahem*, Based on the 1966 book of the same name, this five part series stars a pre-Eastenders Paul Nicholls and no one else of any importance, well, other than Bobby Knutt as a secondary character, in a strange mix of fantasy and time travel drama which incorporates elements of Arthurian legend.

The story begins when two friends, Keith and David, are exploring the moors near their home, when they suddenly hear a drumming noise as they get near a sheer rock face.
As they investigate, the rock face opens up and a boy emerges, dressed in an old fashioned military uniform and carrying a drum in one hand and a candle in the other. The boy introduces himself as "Nellie Jack John" (basically, an old fashioned way of saying 'John, son of Nellie and Jack'). Keith and David find Nellie Jack John to be odd, he speaks English, with a Yorkshire accent, but his use of words seems old fashioned.
As it turns out, Nellie Jack John is from the year 1745, and had gotten lost in a cave system that ran underneath the local castle while he was searching for treasure that was supposedly buried under the hill. The event is recorded in local history and states that Nellie Jack John, or more properly, "John Cherry", was never found.
Nellie Jack John refuses to believe that he has emerged in the year 1993, and makes for his home in a nearby village, only to find that it has completely changed. Disheartened, he decides to return to the rock face and try to return to his own time, however he has lost his candle (Keith threw it away earlier) so David gives him a torch, then Nellie Jack John re-enters the rock face and tries to return home.
Afterwards, David and Keith find the candle, which is still burning despite being left in the undergrowth next to the road for several days, and they also find it odd that the candle gives off cold instead of heat, and never seems to burn down either, remaining the same length at all times.
Things start getting weird when they visit a stone circle, known locally as "The Jingle Stones", only to find that the standing stones, or "Earthfasts" as they were once called, seem to be moving by themselves, and then they begin noticing various magical creatures inhabit the area, including a stone giant, and a bogart. Very soon though, other mysterious events begin happening, all of which seem connected to Nellie Jack John and his mysterious magic candle.


"Earthfasts" is an interesting enough mystery type story, albeit a rather slow paced one and a little disturbing in some places. It does seem however that sometimes the "Yorkshire" aspect of the show is overplayed to the point at which it almost seems to be a caricature or stereotype, with everyone always giving it an "aye" and "t'mooars" etc etc, almost as if the screenplay was written by someone who had only ever experienced Yorkshire by watching Emmerdale.

Still, they don't make em like this no more.

Dystopiarama - Zardoz (1974)

Zardoz, the 1974 sci-fi/fantasy film is another strange entry in this sub category, but again nonetheless, it depicts a bizarre future time period.

The film actually stars people I have heard of, in the form of Sean Connery (who spends the entire film wearing, as he himself stated was "a red nappy, thigh length boots, a pony tail and a zapata moustache") Charlotte Rampling and John Alderton (cast against "type" in the role of a bizarre and effeminate man) , and it makes good use of these stars while the surreal and sometimes disturbing storyline plays out.

In the future of 2293 AD, the Earth has been reduced to an almost medieval landscape (it is never really explained why, although it is hinted that there was some sort of global war) with tribes of "Brutals" living in the remains of the former world. One tribe of these people, called "the Exterminators" are favoured by the god Zardoz, who appears as a giant floating stone head and demands that the exterminators kill brutals in order to stop them from repopulating the earth as they once did. In return for killing people, and providing Zardoz with grain, the exterminators receive weapons and ammunition.
One of the Exterminators, named Zed, stows away in one of the grain shipments and rides the stone head back to its point of origin, where en route, he accidentally kills a rather strange man who calls himself "Arthur Frayn".
When the head lands, Zed finds himself in a surreal world occupied by people who refer to themselves as "Eternals", humans with highly developed mental powers, who live in a society of total democracy and equality, who devote their eternal lifespans to developing and maintaining human knowledge under the custodianship of a being referred to as "The Tabernacle".
Zed quickly finds that not is all it seems amongst these people, as their supposedly perfect society is just as fraught with infighting as it is in the outside world, with a group of staunch conservatives seeking to maintain the status quo of their society, and other smaller groups seeking to make changes, such as actually allowing people to die, or allowing them to explore the outside world and learn of any changes that have occurred while they have been locked away in "The vortex" (there are actually several vortexes, all of which are areas which are kept shielded from the outside world by an invisible and impenetrable force field)

During his time amongst the immortals, Zed learns much about both them and himself, including that his being there was part of a long term plan to liberate the Eternals from their never ending state of boredom and stagnation, having reached the limits of their capabilities long ago and being unable to progress further due to the dictats of the Tabernacle.

Zardoz is a wonderfully surreal film, the likes of which we will never see again. Its bizarre blend of science fiction and fantasy is skillfully used to tell a story which, in essence is about living life itself and coping with and accepting change.
The surreal imagery and hippy leanings of the Eternals contrast wonderfully with Zeds harsh upbringing and lifestyle, with his simple thoughts belying his hidden intelligence.


A definite watch id say!