Medieval Mayhem! - Ironclad (2011) & Black Death (2010) - SPOILER ALERT

Oh look, I watched some films that were made within the past 5 years...that doesn't happen much!.

So, having watched Lindybeige's videos, where he takes a look at these films and critiques them for their appalling historical accuracy (The phrase "Useless floppy apron" had me pissing myself laughing for a considerable amount of time), I decided to watch these films myself, seeing as how i am not adverse to a bit of good old blood and guts action.

Ironclad

So, the opening blurb tells us that in the year 1215, King John I signed the Magna Carta, which is generally thought of as being a good thing, however almost immediately afterwards, Pope Innocent III declared the document null and void and ordered King John to reclaim his country from the rule of the Barons, thus sparking the "First Barons War".
The film itself deals with a heavily fictionalised and somewhat anachronistic version of the siege of Rochester castle, which did actually happen, although the film would have us believe that a mere 20 defenders held off a horde of over a thousand "Danish mercenaries" (the film basically depicts them as being Vikings, even though by 1215 there were no Vikings, but at least it doesn't go down the route of having them with big horns on their helmets), and makes out that King Johns forces had access to some substance similar to napalm to use in their attempted assaults...oh, and for some reason, the river Medway seems to have the power to appear and disappear at will, or at least, at the convenience of the films director.

So to start with, the title of the film seems to have been chosen in order to evoke mental images of fearless knights fighting the good fight etc etc, however throughout the film, only the main "good guy" character, the Templar "Thomas Marshall" is the only one to don a suit of armour, and even then its not until over half way through the film, and even then its just a helmet and quilted overcoat he puts on anyway, which he then wears for all of about 2 minutes as he rides his horse out of the castles stable towards the keep (a distance of about 50 feet) whilst swinging a flail/morning star type mace at the horde of not-vikings who have managed to get in through the gates, seemingly to little effect (they gang up on him and pull him off his horse in the end, because charging a single horse into a mob of blood crazed enemies is a bit stupid, and if this weren't a film, he would have been unhorsed and killed within seconds of hitting the mob).

Another familiar trope common to this sort of film is the "religious person breaking their vows" trope, which the chaste Thomas Marshall manages to do about two-thirds of the way in by having the sexy intercourse with the lady of the manor, the inevitability of which had been set up right from the moment they walked in through the castle gates.

One major bit of "artistic licence" in the film is the slow torture and death of William D'Aubigny (Played by Brian Cox) on orders of the King towards the end of the film, which is a right bugger being as that  the real life D'Aubigny survived the siege and died in 1236 after playing a big part in the second battle of Lincoln after King Johns death and the subsequent crowning of his son Henry III in 1216...a mere year after the time in which this film is set (I presume that after having his hands and feet cut off, then having his corpse fired from a trebuchet and splattering on the castle walls, he "got better").

So, is Ironclad a good film?, well, as a medieval sword swinging blood splatterfest goes, I'd have to say yes, despite it being riddled with historical inaccuracies, ridiculous plot developments, its a good example of one of those films you can put on and expect to get some level of entertainment out of without being bogged down with a ton of "talky" bits getting in the way of drawn out scenes of people getting limbs chopped off by improbably large swords and axes, and the inevitable blood splatter that follows.
As a film giving an accurate depiction of a recorded historical event and the world it took place in, then I'd have to say no.

Black Death

It is the year 1348 and the Black Death is sweeping the British isles, well, except that it isn't, and didn't reach full on epidemic levels until about 2 years later, but, despite this glaring historical error, that doesn't stop the heroic knight "Ulric" (Sean Bean) from going to a monastery and demanding that the Abbott (David Warner) furnish him with a guide so they can find a village that rumour has it has not been afflicted by the plague....er, ok.

Enter Brother Osmund, a novice/monk/friar (the film cant make its mind up exactly what he is, as he is referred to as being all three, even though this would both be impossible and somewhat stupid), who is a bit naughty in the fact that he has a secret girlfriend who he earlier sent to find this village so she would be safe from the plague...Ulric turning up gives him an excuse to leave the monastery and meet up with his bit on the side for sexy times etc etc, so he volunteers because apparently thats where he comes from and knows the way quite well, or something.

Nah, as it turns out, Ulric and his band of unkempt, smelly mercenaries are really looking for the village because apparently it contains a necromancer who is bringing the dead back to life, and God might not like that so they are going to hunt down and kill the necromancer because fuck you that's why.
In order to complete their mission, they have brought along a torturer and his highly anachronistic "iron maiden" like torture contraption, which is conveniently attached to a rickety looking wagon, so they can capture the necromancer and deliver him to the local bishop..I presume that will occur after they have killed him and he has then brought himself back to life or something...er, yeah.

So they travel across the countryside, via a forest which consists of nothing more than some very nice modern looking conifer trees which grow in perfectly straight lines, and have a few sword fights along the way before they finally find the village they were looking for...which turns out to be a haven for pagan heathens who don't believe in God.
Also along the way, Osmund finds out that his secret girlfriend seems to have been killed by the forest bandits, he blames himself and gets all dead guilty and shit, innit.



Ulric and his remaining men enter the village and are welcomed with open arms by the villages head man, "Hob", aka "The Lord Percy Percy", aka "Captain Darling", however despite being offered sanctuary and washing facilities (you know the villagers must be evil because they break the cliche of daring to wash both themselves and their clothing whilst living in medieval times) Ulric warns his men that evil is afoot so they must be on their guard.

So, the "necromancer" turns out to be a woman who is a skilled herbalist, and just uses the trappings of ritual and witchcraft to keep the yokels in awe of her super powers, plus also it helps that the village is miles away from anywhere else so the plague hasn't shown up there because they don't generally mix with outsiders.
Its at this point that the standard "religious person breaking their vows" cliche is used to get Osmund to not only kill his secret girlfriend (as it turns out, she wasn't killed in the forest, she just got beaten up a bit and the villagers found her and nursed her back to health, then the witch used her to try and get Osmund to come over to their side) , but to also turn him into an angry vengeance fueled killing machine.

Only Osmund and Ulrics right hand man Wolfstan manage to survive the inevitable bloodbath that occurs (once again, Sean Bean ends up getting killed in a film, surprise surprise) , Osmund returns home to the monastery, where Wolfstan, in voice over, states that although he never saw Osmund again, he heard stories that he had set himself up as something akin to a witch hunter and spent the remainde rof his days hunting down the woman who had bewitched him, killing lots of other women who had some resemblance to her in the process, but this was a good thing as he did it all in the name of God...oh, and God punished the evil pagan heathens by bringing the plague to the village, which promptly killed off anyone who was still living there (just before he dies, it is revealed that Ulric is suffering from the plague, thus bringing the disease there)

Yeahhhhhhh...again, this film is little more than an excuse to have people getting body parts cut off by big swords and axes, but, unlike Ironclad, it doesn't pretend to depict real events, or be a dramatic adaptation of events of historical note.
Also unlike Ironclad, the story is a rather poorly written  mish mash of plot holes sandwiched in between fighting and torture scenes, which ends on a rather dark note of having the young hero of the piece become Darth Vader and set about revenging himself on women via the excuse of being a witch hunter.

Good film?...no, not even as a bit of mindless flighting and bloodsplatter entertainment.

Anime Review - Cardfight!! Vanguard Series 1 (eps 1-65) 2011

Been a while since I indulged in my weeaboo leanings and watched any anime (YuGiOh! Arc-V doesn't count) so after seeing loads of people spunking off over it down at the local games shops, and finding out that the entire series is available to watch for free on Youtube, I thought I'd give Cardfight a try.

Now, I mostly don't watch modern animes (YuGiOh! Arc-V doesn't count) simply because I don't like the way that most modern animes have gone down the route of being all emo to make them more down with the kids at the expense of sex demons and lots of gratuitous violence and swearing, however I must admit a slight fondness for animes based on gaming, so, therefore, I should like Cardfight....hmmmm.

 So, the story arc of the first series, and what a series it is too coming in at a whopping 65 episodes, revolves around, as many of these types of show do, the card game "Cardfight!! Vanguard", which is said to be the most popular card game in the world.

Aichi Sendo is a teenaged boy who is a bit of a loner and gets bullied a lot, however one day his favourite trading card, "Blaster Blade", which was given to him as a gift (even though at the beginning of the series he has no interest in playing CCGs) is stolen by two bullies who plan to use it to beat the local Cardfight champion, Kai (who originally gave Aichi the Blaster Blade card).
Aichi races to the games shop "Card Capital" to beg for his favourite card back, however Kai has already beaten the bullies and taken "Blaster Blade" for himself, so Aichi challenges this as yet unbeaten "Cardfighter" to a game with the prize for winning being that Aichi gets his card back.
Aichi, despite never having played Cardfight!! before manages to win and finds that he rather enjoys the game, so he becomes a regular visitor to Card Capital, eventually becoming one of the stores top 4 players, earnig himself a place on the store team in the national Cardfight tournaments.
Through paying the game, Aichi gains a lot of self confidence, as well as making new friends, however, as always, he makes enemies in the form of another Cardfighter called Ren, who has the mysterious power to be able to see the outcome of games before they have been played, and thus remains the worlds unbeaten Cardfight Champion, as he basically abuses his power to cheat.
Aichi finds out that he too shares Rens power, and it begins to corrupt him, however through various struggles, Aichi and his team mates emerge victorious at the Cardfight national championships on their second attempt....

Phew!, 65 episodes....yeahhhhh.
First off its worth stating the obvious that the series exists purely as an advertisment designed to sell Cardfight game cards to viewers, however, unlike YuGiOh!, the series does NOT misrepresent card powers, what cards you see on screen would be exactly the same as they would be if you bought a pack or sealed deck of them in real life, so that is a bonus right there.

The first 20 or so episodes make sure that the viewer understands the games rules of play, which is a good thing being as that having watched loads of games of Vanguard in real life, up until I watched this series I had absolutely no idea what was going on, so at the very least, I could now play a game of Vanguard without having to refer to rulebooks or ask my opponent what to do (I will also state that despite asking several Vanguard players how you play in RL, none of them could be arsed showing me...tight arsed bastards!, probably didn't want me to crush them or something...grr).


So, did I enjoy this series?, well,t he answer to that question is a simple "meh".
While I liked the overall premise of the series, and the fact that the show teaches you how to play the game and presents you with varying styles and strategies of play, I did not like how for the vast majority of the time, the show consists of two people playing a game of cards whilst making snidy comments to each other.
Even the overall story arc of series 1 was pretty boring, and went on waaaaayyyy too long to hold much interest to anyone who isn't interested in the game. Yes, yes, I realise that YuGiOh! does exactly the same sort of thing, however the "game playing" portions of that show are interesting to watch because they genuinely do add something to the story, whereas Cardfights in game dialogue simply consists of the players trading thinly veiled insults whilst playing the same cards over and over and over again and then waiting until either one of them fucks up or one of them gets lucky and manages to pull the right card during their drive trigger phase so that they annihilate the other player (this is probably a harsh observation being as that the RL CCGs game mechanics are at fault here, however devoting a whole 65 episodes to seeing the same people play the same game over and over again gets a bit tiresome).
Yeah, Team Q4, as Aichi and his mates are called, literally play the same opponents over and over again and its dead obvious what they are going to play and whether they will win or lose before they have even started trading insults.

There are 3 (at time of writing) follow up series, "Asia Circuit" , "Link joker" and "Legion Mate", I haven't watched any of the others yet but I'm going to give them a chance, as hopefully story will take precedence over scenes of people standing at gaming tables.

Anime Review:- Yu Gi Oh! Zexal

Yu gi Oh! Zexal (pronounced "ZECK-sul" in the English dub, and "ZAY-al" in the Japanese version) was a 2011-2012 anime series based on the ongoing manga series, and forms the fourth entry in the Yu Gi Oh anime franchise.

Set many years after the events of 5Ds, the series makes a shift back to the more fun orientated days of GX, but still retains some serious overtones, although not half as grim as some sections of 5Ds were.

In this series, Duel Monsters is still a popular game, however by this time, the 3d holograms and duel discs of previous eras have been replaced by an augmented reality system, controlled and viewed via a system known as the "Duel Gazer", which superimposes creatures and battlefields over existing terrain.
Most of the series' action takes place in Heartland City, home to Yuma Tsukumo, a teenage boy who lives with his grandfather after his parents vanished in mysterious circumstances (this is one of many parallels between Yuma and Yugi Moto).
One of the recent crazes in the Duel monsters game is the introduction of XYZ (pronounced "ECK-seez") monsters, a new game mechanic which allows players to fuse their existing monsters to summon a special, and usually very powerful, creature from their extra deck, however, at the beginning of the series, Yuma has still to obtain any XYZ monster cards, never mind play them, which puts a bit of a damper on his ambition to become the worlds number one duellist.
During one duel though, Yuma finds that the pendant given to him years ago by his father contains a secret, it is actually a mystical key which allows him to travel into another plane of existence, which in turn frees a being named "Astral". Astral came to Earth many centuries before but was involved in an accident which erased his memory, and the only way he can regain his memories is by helping Yuma collect the "numbers", a series of 101 XYZ monster cards, each of which contain some of his memories. Matters are made more difficult due to the fact that only Yuma and a handful of other people can actually see Astral, so many people assume Yuma is crazy when he starts talking, and sometimes arguing, with himself during duels. However, Astral and Yuma find that they can combine their bodies and fight as one, which makes defeating some of their more powerful opponents much simpler, as Astrals duelling skill can combine with Yumas enthusiasm and resourcefulness.

Zexals original run of 73 episodes was followed up by Zexal II (Zexal second) which ran for another 73 episodes from 2012 to 2014.
Zexal II continued Yuma and Astrals adventures as they struggle to save Earth from invasion by a race of aliens called the Barian, who are enemies of Astrals people and agents of chaos.

Zexal isn't a bad series, its much more fun than 5Ds but still struggles to recapture the fun atmosphere of GX. The series introduces (and grossly exaggerates) the XYZ mechanic to the game, and as such most of the series' storylines revolve around the search for and use of XYZ related cards, at the expense of many much more popular cards that are/were being used in the real world game, but that is to be expected as the series was basically a long advertisement intended to sell game cards to the viewer.
I don't mind this series, but its certainly not the best one, with over the top characters and sometimes difficult to follow plots (probably something lost in translation), although I must say that the animation quality of the show is spectacular, with some of the duels being fairly exciting to watch.
I think that what they were trying to do with this series was essentially a reboot to the franchise, hence why there are so many similarities between Yuma and Yugi, but it just didn't seem to work terribly well.

Poundland DVD film extravaganza! - "Manborg" (2011) & "$hopping" (1994)

Well, today (Saturday 7th June) has been nothing more than a miserable wet boring day, a bit like a sunday really.
So, to relieve the tedium and try to resist the urge to blow my brains out, I decided to watch a couple of DVDs I bought the other day from Poundland.

Yes, yes I know, Poundland isn't the most respected place in the world, but on the odd occasion, amongst the cheapo plastic bits of tat and low quality clothing imported from far eastern sweatshops they do occasionally have something half decent, which more often than not ends up being either some sort of food item, or something which was previously expensive but somehow ended up being bought in bulk during a liquidation sale or something.

Todays purchases are, as per the title of this scribbling, 2 DVD films entitled "Manborg" and "Shopping".


Manborg (2011 - Astron-6 Films)

A little reading up on this film shows that production began in 2009 and completed in 2010, finally being released after nearly 2 years worth of post production. Astron-6 is a low, low, low budget film studio that specialises in sci-fi/comedy/horror type films, all starring people you have never heard of, sort of like Asylum films, except with a much lower budget.
Speaking of budgets, this film was made with a budget of approximately $1000 Canadian dollars (thats roughly £550) , but, we cant hold that against them.
What attracted me to this film was its tagline, which is prominently displayed on the box in big letters "NAZI DEMON UPRISING" ........ "hmmm", thought I, "now if thats not worth a quid, I dunno what is".

I wasnt disappointed either.

From the minute you press "play", you are treated to about 90 minutes of pure, unadulterated silliness, with nazi demon creatures fighting stereotyped human heroes in a bizarre futuristic landscape (all of which is achieved via an excessive but somehow strangely satisfying use of green screen filming techniques). The storyline, or at least what there is of it, is fairly coherent and does just enough so you know whats going on, but doesn't bog your viewing experience down with to much boring exposition, after all, at heart, this film is an action movie.
There's a lot of humour in there, although said humour has its tongue firmly planted in its cheek and relies mainly on one liners, visual gags and comic book esque situation comedy pieces which will leave you with a slight grin at the least and/or a groan followed by a *face/palm* at the most, but trust me, you'll enjoy doing it.

Action scenes take place within a bizarre hybrid world of 80s-esque action movie sequences and anime inspired martial arts fighting as the heroes machine gun, karate chop, stab and flying kick their way through hordes of stop motion created monsters, culminating in a final "Mortal Kombat" esque battle to the death with the main bad guy of the film, "Count Draculon".

Seriously, this film is well worth the quid, trust me, its a nice bit of sci-fi cheese that although its visuals aren't as slick as Hollywood, or even Bollywood, efforts (it pretty much watches like every homebrew fan film you've seen on youtube) but it more than makes up for it with its heart and its ability to effectively make a film in 1980s Hollywood action film style without being too pretentious or just downright bad.

8/10

Shopping (1994 - Film 4 international)

Remember back in the mid to late 90s when the British film industry finally started making films that werent shite for the first time in nearly 20 years?, classics such as "Trainspotting", "Shallow Grave" et al?, well "Shopping" was one of the early ones that no one really remembers.
Starring Jude Law in his first major starring role, along with his future wife Sadie Frost, "Shopping" is one of those films which lets the audience know that being a theiving toerag is glamourous and awesome.
At the time the film was made, the British film industry couldn't make a film without making some mention of criminal activities, Shopping is no different, as it focuses on a group of teenagers who enjoy nothing better than stealing cars, driving them around at high speed before ramming them into shops and stealing anything their little mitts can grab before the rozzers turn up and give them a stern talking to with their bushy moustaches.
For its time, its subject matter was quite relevant, on the one hand, the rise in youth crime was becoming concerning, and the phenomena of "ram raiding" was a particular favourite way for ne'er do wells to get their hands on phat lewt without having to make too much of an effort (today, ram raiding is almost unheard of, due to the fact that most shop keepers and insurance companies found that simply by installing roller shutters and concrete bollards in front of shop doorways and windows, it would prevent scrotes from ramming them down)

So, right at the beginning the film lets you know it fits into the "gritty urban drama" catagory by having the opening credits show you a series of helicopter shots of various industiral factories and such pumping out flames and smoke and so on, all to the background score of some early 90s dance music, we then get introduced to the main character, Billy (Jude Law) who is being released from prison after a 3 month stint for car theft by the local chief inspector (Jonathan Pryce), he thumbs his nose at the establishment by saying the only thing he has learned in prison is not to get caught.
He quickly falls back in to his old habits and goes back to thieving cars so he can drive around various decaying locations in urban London (albeit they tried to disguise said locations to make them appear "generic") whilst spouting 90s youth related expletives such as "booyaka" and so on.
Billys friends are all stereotypes of what film directors though the "disaffected youth" of the 90s were, whom he meets up with in a smoky backstreet to the sound of thumping drum and bass while some other characters spout car engine characteristics the script required them to memorise so you can understand that all these kids care about is living fast and dying young etc etc etc.
Billy and his mates, sorry, "m8s", soon run afoul of the local 10 bob gangsta (a very young looking Sean Pertwee) who is trying to break into the big time by doing jobs for a much more organised and slick mobster (Sean Bean) culminating in Billy planning a big heist by knocking over a massive swanky shopping centre, however this scheme goes awry when it turns out that Billy and his mates have been dobbed in to the police, and find a load of rozzers waiting for them when they try and break in to get their lewt.

Throughout the film, Billy is somewhat childishly obsessed with making a name for himself amongst the ghetto kids by doing feats of daring do and pissing off the local police, even though at numerous points he is offered the opportunity to leave all of it behind and move on, he chooses not to, and the film ends with him and his girly companion laid in the wreck of a car after he tried to prove how much more badass he was than the police.
The character of Billy is somewhat believable, given the context of the film and the time when it was made, but Jude Law manages to make the character proper out of place due to the fact that the urban hero that is Billy speaks in BBC english while everyone around him speaks in ghetto innit.

While this is still a good film, it is chock full of proper dodgy cliches, over exaggerations and stunted awkward dialogue that was very obviously written by someone who had very little clue about "da yoof" were up to in those days, much less any idea about how "gangstas" work.

still, not that bad, but not that good either.

6/10