It's Movie Time!!!!! 5 - The Franchise continues.

Time for some more crap, maybe...


Muck (2015)

A group of over sexed millennials end up getting stuck in the marshes of Cape Cod where they are attacked by a group of albino psychokiller cannibals.

*unnnnggggggh* yeah, this is your average run of the mill "psychokiller attacks people for some reason" type film, and this one tries to add a twist by having all the cast constantly talk about sex, while the feamle cast spends their time in between being semi-nude, topless or completely naked. I should add that all of the female cast work/worked for Playboy magazine, hence why the films premier took place at the Playboy mansion.
Kane Hodder plays the leader of the psychokillers, thats about it for highlights, this is definitely one of those films where you really need to switch your higher cognitive functions off in order to get anything out of it.

Overall - 3/10


Exam (2009)

A group of eight people attend what they believe is an aptitude exam for a high flying executive job at an unknown company, however, things may not be as they seem, as the exam room is furnished with an armed guard, and the invigilator (Colin Salmon) lays down the following "rules":- #1. Do not attempt to speak to the guard, or the invigilator, #2. Do not allow your test paper to become marked or spoiled in any way, #3. Should anyone choose to leave the room, they may do so at any time.
He then goes on to state that any breach of these rules is punished by immediate disqualification from the test, and states that the test consists of one question, and they have 80 minutes to complete the test. He then asks if anyone has any questions before leaving.
The candidates (all nameless) turn their individually numbered papers over to reveal that there is nothing written on them, save for their candidate number.
Thus begins a "locked room" mystery where the candidates have to figure out what it is they are supposed to be doing with a nice mix of looking at group psychology dynamics.

Yeah, this is a pretty nice film all things considered. Even though the ending is easily figured out by eagle eyed viewers fairly early on, the interesting bit comes from how the group figures out what is going on and how to deal with it, with numerous dead ends, false starts and personality clashes thrown in to keep you interested.

Overall - 8/10

Warlords of Atlantis (1978)

A scientist and his entourage travel by ship to an area of open sea so that he can test his new diving bell invention, supposedly to investigate fish shoals, however, they instead chance upon the lost continent of Atlantis, and find out that its inhabitants arent really terribly friendly.

Er, yeah. This particular period in film history is resplendent with examples of fantasy-action-drama such as this, and unfortuneately, this film isnt one of the best. A fairly thin plot which struggles to really pick up the pace is however offset by some impressive practical special effects. Dunno if the reason for the poor story was due to budget reasons or due to being a good idea pulled off badly, but it ends up being a forgettable film.

Overall - 4/10


The Day  (2011)

A group of people in some sort of post apocalyptic setting take refuge in a farm house from gangs of rampaging cannibal raiders. Problem is, they've walked right into a trap, cue bloodletting and other general violence as the two factions vie for superiority and a horde of phat lewt.

A forgettable post-apocalyptic horror/action film that tries to be "arty" by having the enitre thing shot in washed out/bleak/monochrome filters. Also manages to conform to the current "in vogue" cliche of showing that whenever women engage in melee combat with men, not only do they kick ass, but they are also better than literally anyone they come up against.
Violence for the sake of it, angst, forced swearing, little to no plot of interest, yeah this one isnt going down as a classic of this genre.

Overall - 4/10

Its movie time!!! 4 - the sidequel.

More films, again, mostly courtesy of the Horror Channel.

(Theatrical poster 2006)

A remake of the 1977 film of the same name, a family find themselves coming under attack by a group of cannibalistic mutant hill people, who are the descendants of miners who refused to move during 1950s era atomic weapon tests, and who survived by taking refuge in the mines. Years of radiation exposure and inbreeding have left the current generation a bunch of sickly and deformed psychos who kill and rape anyone who comes near them.

Yeah, its the usual "normal people v psycho mutants" type deal. This one isn't bad though, although it does go a bit overboard with jump scares, excessive gore and liberal sprinklings of fucked up shit, it manages to tell a coherent and enjoyable story, and has some really good and convincing "mutant" effects.
I guess that you could say that this film is to "blame" for the sudden plethora of "killer psycho hillbilly mutant" type films, most of which are just unwatchable shite.

8/10 

(Theatrical Poster 1961)

So, as plots go you'd think this would be a simple one, and in some ways, it is, however how it arrives at said plot is an odd one. The first 30-45 minutes of the film deals with a beggar being imprisoned in the dungeon of a Spanish nobleman's house for several decades. The beggar eventually goes mad and rapes a mute servant girl, who gives birth to his child on Christmas day, which apparently is bad luck.The second half of the film deals with the child's life, and how the circumstances of his birth somehow led to him becoming a werewolf. Then as a young man, the werewolf (Oliver Reed) goes on a killing rampage to satisfy his blood lust and so on.

Yeah, this film suffers from being just plain boring, zero suspense, bad acting, awful dialogue. For a Hammer film it really is a massive disappointment.

1/10

(Theatrical poster 2015)

 Deb, a TV camera operator for a local news station, wakes up on July the 4th with a hangover. Turns out she managed to score the night before with Ryan, an attractive man she met down the pub. Problem is, Ryan isn't really interested in her, so they both make to go their separate ways.
Unfortunately though, the town is in the grip of a zombie apocalypse, which forces Deb and Ryan to rely on each other in order to keep their brains from being munched by the zombiefied townsfolk that Ryan's father had a hand in creating by accident.

All throughout watching this film I couldn't help but notice the plethora of similarities with "Shaun of the Dead", in so far as that the film is basically an Americanised version of it, right down to the rom-com plot line, the awkward "everyman" type characters and the quirky humour.

That said, I actually quite enjoyed this film, even with some of its groan inducing jokes and distinctly tame humour.

8/10

(Theatrical poster 2015)

Its 1979 and, following the death of their son, Anne and Paul Sachetti move to a new house looking for a fresh start.
Unfortunately for them, the house was formerly home to the Dagmar family, who, in the late 1800s, were brutally murdered by the local townsfolk after being accused of grave robbing.
Every few years, the angry spirits of this family appear to demand a blood sacrifice from the village, and this time round the Sachettis look to have drawn the short straw.

*sigh* this ends up being yet another film made in modern times that starts with a good premise, but ends up getting marred down by slow pacing. The ending was totally predictable too, but the ghost effects and characters were interesting enough to keep me engaged.

6/10

 (Theatrical poster 2015)

In the early 1950s, a man named "William" interviews a 5 year old girl named "Veronica". Veronica's parents, as well as Williams family, had all been killed by serial killers. Veronica shows extraordinary intelligence, so William asks her if she would like to help him with a job that can only be done by a "special" type of person, she accepts.
12 years later, and Veronica, now aged 18, has spent the intervening years undergoing a gruelling training regimen, incorporating survival techniques, methods of assassination and mental conditioning.

Veronica has been honed to be a weapon against male serial killers, particularly ones who exhibit sadistic tendencies toward their victims.
William sets Veronica loose on a group of young men who routinely kill women by hunting them through the woods and finishing them off in a variety of gruesome ways.

I don't mind saying that I really enjoyed this film, being as it is a fairly original premise and handled in an intelligent and engaging manner.
Its not your average "revenge" type film, nor is it a gore-slasher type affair, instead, it is a well paced and well thought out thriller with shades of action and martial arts thrown in for good measure.
Abigail Breslin is spot on as the unassuming "Veronica", who spends half the film looking completely nonthreatening, and the other half meting out vigilante justice upon the group of sadistic killers who think they're smarter than her.

9/10

Its movie time!!! 3 - The sequels prequel!

God damn it I've watched a shitload of films recently, probably because the Horror Channel is one of the few channels on freeview that is worth watching.
Anyway, here's half a dozen more celluloid time wasters...

(DVD Cover 2012)

Yes, it turns out that the Hairy ape man that lives in the woods is real, and he bursts onto the screen in all his poor quality CGI awesomeness.
The films plot ends up being pretty much the same as King Kong, Bigfoot is found, people try to hunt him down for a bounty, Bigfoot is pretty much invulnerable to hails of machine gun fire, then he climbs up the face of mount rushmore and gets blown up by some fighter planes.

This film is a half decent no-brainer, although the story is weak as fuck and some of the special effects are proper bargain basement, but its not that bad really.

5/10

(Theatrical poster 1996)

An obese and corrupt lawyer runs a gypsy woman over while receiving oral sex from his wife. his friendship with the local judge and public prosecutor ensures that he gets off with the crime, however the gypsies don't consider the matter finished, and the Lawyer ends up being cursed to keep losing weight until he dies, regardless of how much he eats.

Another Stephen King based film, and its not bad, although it is a little slow paced. The ending differs from the book but its to no detriment.

7/10

(DVD cover 2014)

Following on from the events of the last film, this straight to DVD feature sees the inbred mutant hillbillies terrorising the customers of a holiday resort.

*yawn*, its just more of the same really, although this film seems to have more tits and arse then the previous instalment (some quite nice ones as well, back in the 80s they'd have been paused and rewound dozens of times) , and ramps up the gruesome deaths and scenes of cannibalism, there's quite literally fuck all to get excited about.

4/10

(Theatrical poster 2006)

A group of friends head on out to sea on a yacht. After a bit of tomfoolery, they all decide to jump overboard for a swim, but neglect to lower the boarding ladder so they can get back on board. Cue 90 minutes of getting in touch with their feelings, backstabbing each other (in one case, literally) and getting naked in a series of futile attempts to get back on the boat and not drown.

Basically a film about stupid people doing something stupid and paying for it. It has nice visuals but the endless scenes of people getting ridiculously emotional just wear me down and spoil what would otherwise be a pretty good idea.

6/10

(Theatrical poster 2012)

 10 year old Tommy has a birthday party, complete with a surly and foul mouthed clown, the titular "Stitches". Stitches promptly manages to get himself killed in a freak accident while attempting to perform, and gives Tommy a bit of mental scarring about clowns.
Six years later and Tommy is planning to have a party to celebrate his 16th. He eventually settles on having a big party over a small gathering of friends, mainly because he wants to shag his school crush.Problem is though, Tommy had a curse placed on him by the local clown secret society, and, as his birthday approaches, he begins having hallucinations of clowns doing horrible things, culminating in Stitches returning from the dead as his party is in full swing to get his revenge on the kids that were there to witness his demise.

I enjoyed this film, as it has a nice blend of slasher, gore and comedy. I particularly liked the depiction of the clowns as all being foul mouthed and surly men who disliked kids and were resentful at having to perform for them.
The only real bad points are that the film suffers from all the cliches expected of a "psychokiller in the house" type film, but then again it works being as that this film isn't trying to be all serious and shit.


8/10

(Theatrical poster 2003)

 

"Monster" tells the semi fictionalised story of serial killer Aileen Wuornos and her life between 1987 and 1990. Starring an almost unrecognisable Charlize Theron as Wuornos and Christina Ricci as the fictional character "Selby Wall" (based on Tyria Moore, Wuornos' girlfriend at the time. Presumably Moore declined for her name to be used) The film charts the period in Wuornos's life when, while being homeless and resorting to prostitution to earn money, Wuornos contemplates suicide, but later sees a bit of a turnaround in her fortunes when she meets Selby in a bar as she goes to have one last drink. Their relationship quickly develops, with Wuornos trying to find normal work to get away from prostitution, and Selby providing the love and attention that Wuornos so desperately craves.
Paradise is short lived however as Wuornos is unable to get a job due to her past and general attitude, and Selby becomes increasingly needy, so with little choice, Wuornos goes back to prostitution. The only problem this time round being that her increasing mental instability leads her to begin killing the men she goes off with in order to rob them.

As films about real life serial killers go, this is your fairly standard one, showing background, the means and the motives to killing, however in this case, the film seems to downplay Wuornos' extreme mental problems in favour of attempting to blame her acts on years of abuse at the hands of men (in truth, both were most likely significant contributing factors, as well as her heavy drug and alcohol abuse). Ricci does really well at playing the shy and awkward but extremely passive aggressive character of Selby, and Theron does really well as Wuornos.
The film does get a little boring at times, with long scenes of talking about feelings and all that, and anyone watching this film expecting some hot girl on girl action will be sorely disappointed, as will people expecting large amounts of blood and gore.
Still, its a nice change from the usual bloodletting.

8/10

Its movie time!!! 2 - the prequel sequel!

Right, here are a half dozen more films I've watched recently......

(DVD cover 2011)

 

Yet another generic formula zombie outbreak film, this time set in the 1870s. Theres a zombie outbreak during the US civil war, and fairly soon the countyside is overrun by flesh eating zombies, which the hero of the piece has to try his best to survive against despite insurmountable odds.

Contains nothing that we havent seen before, but tries to be "different" by being a bit "western"...fails miserably.

2/10

 

 

(DVD cover 2006)

 

The moon gets hit by an asteroid, which causes its orbit to shift slightly, so a team of astronauts must go to the moon and do something about it before the Earths ecosystem gets completely fucked up by all the changes to weather and that.

Again, this film contains nothing that we havent seen before, and even on the low budget it was obviously filmed under, it manages to tell a decentish story, albeit one that requires extreme suspension of disbelief.

4/10

 

 

 

 (DVD cover 2013)

Some young people run afoul of some mutant hillbilly psycho cannibals while on holiday at a halloween festival. Taking refuge in the nearby town, the hillbillys proceed to tear the town and its inhabitants apart in an attempt to rescue their serial killer friend from the town jail.

I wasnt even aware of this "franchise", and havent seen any of the predecessor films, but, lets face it, the "psycho killer inbred hillbilly slasher" genre is becoming just as well trodden and stale as the "zombie outbreak" genre.

That said, the films pace and story do make for a semi interesting watch, and the gore effects are pretty good, but nothing new is on show here.

6/10

 

 

 (Theatrical poster 1985)

An anthology film containing three stories brought together by the wraparound narrative of a stray tom cat being called to by a young girl (Drew Barrymore) in distress.

 

As is the usual from a Stephen King based affair, the stories all contain a mix of horror, sci-fi and darkness.

The first story ("Quitters, Inc") is that of a man (James Woods) who signs up with a company that guarantees they will get him to quit smoking, however their methods are somewhat unauthodox and quite disturbing.

The second story ("The Ledge") is about a debt ridden gambler being blackmailed by the jealous husband of a woman he is having an affair with taking one last bet which he hopes will cancel his debts and allow him to live happily ever after. Problem is is that the jealous husband is also a gambler, and has a bit of a screw loose as well.
The final story ("General") sees the cat finding and being adopted as a pet by the girl who has been calling to him. Unfortuneately, the childs mother doesnt like cats, and the appearance of decidedly child-unfriendly goblin gives her the excuse she needs to get rid of it.

I quite enjoyed this film, although not particularly being much of a fan of Stephen Kings work, the stories are indeed solid and well told and acted, and the framing narrative of having a cat as the main character but not having him particularly influence the outcome of the first two stories is fairly original and refreshing.

8/10

 

 

(Theatrical poster 2012)

 

Three people find themselves being stalked and trapped inside an ATM kiosk by a mysterious hooded figure, who then attempts to kill them by various methods.

*sigh* yet another "stalking psychokiller" type of film which relies too much on being shot in dimly lit conditions and spends far too much time on having the main characters spend time talking amongst themselves, interdispersed with the killer making some attempt to lure them out and/or kill them by various means.
Crap dialogue, bad acting, boring story, predictable ending...its crap.

2/10

 

(Theatrical poster 2013)

From the 1960s through to the early 1980s, the CIA oversaw project MKUltra, an attempt to find chemical substances and proceedures which could be administered on people in order to control their minds. The film centres around the development of a drug named DMT-19 during the MKUltra program which had some rather odd, and rather disturbing, side effects, especially so when the drug reappears in modern times and triggers a series of disapperances that seem to be linked to the broadcasts from a numbers station located in the middle of the Nevada desert. A reporter investigates the disappearance of her friend and all sorts of disturbing stuff ensues.

This is a pretty decent film, and although at first glance it would appear to be some sort of generic government conspiracy type film, it ends up being somewhat unique in its execution.

7/10

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its movie time!!!

Eeh by gum, been a long while since I put anything on here, so I thought I'd dust the place off a bit and have a natter about some films I've been watching recently, mostly courtesy of the Horror Channel.

So, In no particular order.....

(Theatrical poster 2011)

Five semi-naked young women decide to go for a long nature ramble in the British countryside (you know, that place where wearing nothing but short shorts, bikini tops, fashion wellies and having little to no field craft skills is a really good idea.) . Inevitably, they meet up with some love interests and eventually some psychos then the blood and depravity starts etc etc etc.

A predictable formulaic film filled with bad acting and bad dialogue but manages to have half decent gore effects and a fairly interesting plot twist.

4/10

(Release poster 2014)

Sometime in the future humans are at war with some aliens that definitely don't look like Xenomorphs from the "Alien" franchise and some shit goes down that leaves most women infertile or something, and then a special forces team escorting one of the few fertile women gets chased by the aliens (who are seemingly indestructible) into some kind of forgotten underground complex which consists soully of increasingly narrowing tunnels and pipes, so the team has to "crawl or die".

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure what the point of this film is supposed to be, as it contains little to no dialogue, but manages to contain loads of grunting from the main character, as well as many, many close ups of her face and as she slowly strips down until she is wearing nothing more than a sports bra, bikini bottoms and knee length high heeled go go boots (military issue go go boots?, the future is fucked) , close up shots of her arse and camel toe. Its pointless mentioning any of the other characters, as they get killed off one by one by the aliens chasing them, but the films entire plot consists of the go go boot wearing "hero" crawling through a series of increasingly small and invariably dirt filled tunnels and pipes before she finally escapes the complex.
Somebody must have been on something when they came up with this idea.

2/10 - Only because the arse in question is quite nice to look at.

 (Theatrical poster 2007)

A mans wife is murdered in a particularly gruesome fashion, and the only clue is a mysterious ventriloquists dummy that was delivered to their house only a few hours before. He returns to his childhood home to organise her funeral and to try and unravel the mystery of what happened, but finds that a supernatural curse has come calling to collect on an old debt.

Yeah, this is actually a GOOD film, with an interesting story and an unexpected plot twist at the end.

7/10

(Theatrical poster 1958)

A scientist meddles with things he does not understand and ends up in a horrible predicament.

Considering this film is considered a classic, and one of the first examples of the "body horror" genre, I had never actually seen it until the other day, and I can't say I was terribly impressed.
Even for the time, the story pacing is slow and somewhat dull, with the real "action" not happening until near the end of the film.
Despite being classed as one of Vincent Prices definitive horror roles, his part in the film is pretty minimal and not exactly pivotal, which leads me to believe he was cast to merely be a "big name" in the film. David Hedison (who later played Captain Crane in Voyage to the bottom of the sea) does a fairly competent job as the scientist who gets in over his head (literally) but other than that I cant really say much about this decidedly average film.

5/10

(VHS/DVD cover 1999)

This TV Movie tells the story of the microcomputer revolution, focusing mainly on the fortunes of the Apple company and its main players in the form of Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, with Bill Gates and Microsoft's humble beginnings being thrown in there for good measure.

The film does take some liberties with actual events, but, unlike some of the more modern films made just after Steve Jobs' death in 2011, the liberties taken do not deviate from the true story that much.
Noah Wyle does a magnificent job of portraying Jobs as being the vain and egotistical asshole that he was, and Anthony Michael Hall pulls off a good performance in the role of Bill Gates as the sneaky, calculating but ultimately more skilled businessman that he is.
Being as it was made in 1999, the film ends before the Apple company saw a resurgence in its fortunes with the introduction of the "iSOMETHING" series of products, but manages to portray all events up to and including the launch, and subsequent failure, of the Macintosh series of computers and the fallout between the Steve's when Woz finally tires of Jobs' egotistical nature.

8/10

(Promotional poster 2009)

A TV movie made by the BBC, in a similar vein to "Pirate of Silicon Valley", Micro Men charts the course of the fortunes of the British Microcomputer industry, starting in the late 70s and ultimately ending in the late 80s.
Clive Sinclair (as he was known until receiving a knighthood in 1983) started off the 70s with the successful invention and marketing of small, affordable pocket calculators, however his subsequent inventions of a digital watch (the "Black Watch") and a pocket television set (the "Microvision") both end up being unsuccessful, mainly due to the technology not being sufficiently advanced enough and the products not being quality assured very well. after the windup of Sinclair Radionics, Sinclair begins a new business venture in the form of Sinclair computers, a business that he had dispatched his long time friend Chris Curry to set up for him under the name of "Science of Cambridge" to test market a small computer kit called the Mk14.
Curry however, seeing that Clive intends to completely take control over this new company and thus ignore all the work done and possibly profitable ideas he envisaged, promptly jumps ship and sets up his own rival business in the form of Acorn Computers.
With the Microcomputer boom of the early 80s, both companies see a massive amount of success, however short sightedness, hubris and both men's unwillingness to live in the here and now see both Sinclair and Acorns fortunes take a dramatic downturn in the late 80s, with both companies being sold off to other, more successful business concerns, leaving both Sinclair and Curry more or less back where they started.

This film is really, really good. Armstrong and Freeman do magnificent jobs of portraying their characters, and the films use of 80s music(so memorable that the BBC actually released the films soundtrack in music store) really tops off this fine piece of historical high-jinks. although some liberties are taken with the time line of events and recreations of such, they don't take it too far off the tracks.

9/10

  

What the actual Fuck?:- The Humanoid (1979) - the not-star wars trilogy 1/3

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.