Monday, 4 December 2017

It's Movie Time!!!!! 5 - The Franchise continues.

Time for some more crap, maybe...

Muck (2015)

A group of over sexed millennials end up getting stuck in the marshes of Cape Cod where they are attacked by a group of albino psychokiller cannibals.

*unnnnggggggh* yeah, this is your average run of the mill "psychokiller attacks people for some reason" type film, and this one tries to add a twist by having all the cast constantly talk about sex, while the feamle cast spends their time in between being semi-nude, topless or completely naked. I should add that all of the female cast work/worked for Playboy magazine, hence why the films premier took place at the Playboy mansion.
Kane Hodder plays the leader of the psychokillers, thats about it for highlights, this is definitely one of those films where you really need to switch your higher cognitive functions off in order to get anything out of it.

Overall - 3/10

Exam (2009)

A group of eight people attend what they believe is an aptitude exam for a high flying executive job at an unknown company, however, things may not be as they seem, as the exam room is furnished with an armed guard, and the invigilator (Colin Salmon) lays down the following "rules":- #1. Do not attempt to speak to the guard, or the invigilator, #2. Do not allow your test paper to become marked or spoiled in any way, #3. Should anyone choose to leave the room, they may do so at any time.
He then goes on to state that any breach of these rules is punished by immediate disqualification from the test, and states that the test consists of one question, and they have 80 minutes to complete the test. He then asks if anyone has any questions before leaving.
The candidates (all nameless) turn their individually numbered papers over to reveal that there is nothing written on them, save for their candidate number.
Thus begins a "locked room" mystery where the candidates have to figure out what it is they are supposed to be doing with a nice mix of looking at group psychology dynamics.

Yeah, this is a pretty nice film all things considered. Even though the ending is easily figured out by eagle eyed viewers fairly early on, the interesting bit comes from how the group figures out what is going on and how to deal with it, with numerous dead ends, false starts and personality clashes thrown in to keep you interested.

Overall - 8/10

Warlords of Atlantis (1978)

A scientist and his entourage travel by ship to an area of open sea so that he can test his new diving bell invention, supposedly to investigate fish shoals, however, they instead chance upon the lost continent of Atlantis, and find out that its inhabitants arent really terribly friendly.

Er, yeah. This particular period in film history is resplendent with examples of fantasy-action-drama such as this, and unfortuneately, this film isnt one of the best. A fairly thin plot which struggles to really pick up the pace is however offset by some impressive practical special effects. Dunno if the reason for the poor story was due to budget reasons or due to being a good idea pulled off badly, but it ends up being a forgettable film.

Overall - 4/10

The Day  (2011)

A group of people in some sort of post apocalyptic setting take refuge in a farm house from gangs of rampaging cannibal raiders. Problem is, they've walked right into a trap, cue bloodletting and other general violence as the two factions vie for superiority and a horde of phat lewt.

A forgettable post-apocalyptic horror/action film that tries to be "arty" by having the enitre thing shot in washed out/bleak/monochrome filters. Also manages to conform to the current "in vogue" cliche of showing that whenever women engage in melee combat with men, not only do they kick ass, but they are also better than literally anyone they come up against.
Violence for the sake of it, angst, forced swearing, little to no plot of interest, yeah this one isnt going down as a classic of this genre.

Overall - 4/10

Thursday, 26 October 2017

Its movie time!!! 4 - the sidequel.

More films, again, mostly courtesy of the Horror Channel.

(Theatrical poster 2006)

A remake of the 1977 film of the same name, a family find themselves coming under attack by a group of cannibalistic mutant hill people, who are the descendants of miners who refused to move during 1950s era atomic weapon tests, and who survived by taking refuge in the mines. Years of radiation exposure and inbreeding have left the current generation a bunch of sickly and deformed psychos who kill and rape anyone who comes near them.

Yeah, its the usual "normal people v psycho mutants" type deal. This one isn't bad though, although it does go a bit overboard with jump scares, excessive gore and liberal sprinklings of fucked up shit, it manages to tell a coherent and enjoyable story, and has some really good and convincing "mutant" effects.
I guess that you could say that this film is to "blame" for the sudden plethora of "killer psycho hillbilly mutant" type films, most of which are just unwatchable shite.

(Theatrical Poster 1961)
So, as plots go you'd think this would be a simple one, and in some ways, it is, however how it arrives at said plot is an odd one. The first 30-45 minutes of the film deals with a beggar being imprisoned in the dungeon of a Spanish nobleman's house for several decades. The beggar eventually goes mad and rapes a mute servant girl, who gives birth to his child on Christmas day, which apparently is bad luck.The second half of the film deals with the child's life, and how the circumstances of his birth somehow led to him becoming a werewolf. Then as a young man, the werewolf (Oliver Reed) goes on a killing rampage to satisfy his blood lust and so on.

Yeah, this film suffers from being just plain boring, zero suspense, bad acting, awful dialogue. For a Hammer film it really is a massive disappointment.


(Theatrical poster 2015)
 Deb, a TV camera operator for a local news station, wakes up on July the 4th with a hangover. Turns out she managed to score the night before with Ryan, an attractive man she met down the pub. Problem is, Ryan isn't really interested in her, so they both make to go their separate ways.
Unfortunately though, the town is in the grip of a zombie apocalypse, which forces Deb and Ryan to rely on each other in order to keep their brains from being munched by the zombiefied townsfolk that Ryan's father had a hand in creating by accident.

All throughout watching this film I couldn't help but notice the plethora of similarities with "Shaun of the Dead", in so far as that the film is basically an Americanised version of it, right down to the rom-com plot line, the awkward "everyman" type characters and the quirky humour.

That said, I actually quite enjoyed this film, even with some of its groan inducing jokes and distinctly tame humour.


(Theatrical poster 2015)
Its 1979 and, following the death of their son, Anne and Paul Sachetti move to a new house looking for a fresh start.
Unfortunately for them, the house was formerly home to the Dagmar family, who, in the late 1800s, were brutally murdered by the local townsfolk after being accused of grave robbing.
Every few years, the angry spirits of this family appear to demand a blood sacrifice from the village, and this time round the Sachettis look to have drawn the short straw.

*sigh* this ends up being yet another film made in modern times that starts with a good premise, but ends up getting marred down by slow pacing. The ending was totally predictable too, but the ghost effects and characters were interesting enough to keep me engaged.


 (Theatrical poster 2015)

In the early 1950s, a man named "William" interviews a 5 year old girl named "Veronica". Veronica's parents, as well as Williams family, had all been killed by serial killers. Veronica shows extraordinary intelligence, so William asks her if she would like to help him with a job that can only be done by a "special" type of person, she accepts.
12 years later, and Veronica, now aged 18, has spent the intervening years undergoing a gruelling training regimen, incorporating survival techniques, methods of assassination and mental conditioning.
Veronica has been honed to be a weapon against male serial killers, particularly ones who exhibit sadistic tendencies toward their victims.
William sets Veronica loose on a group of young men who routinely kill women by hunting them through the woods and finishing them off in a variety of gruesome ways.

I don't mind saying that I really enjoyed this film, being as it is a fairly original premise and handled in an intelligent and engaging manner.
Its not your average "revenge" type film, nor is it a gore-slasher type affair, instead, it is a well paced and well thought out thriller with shades of action and martial arts thrown in for good measure.
Abigail Breslin is spot on as the unassuming "Veronica", who spends half the film looking completely nonthreatening, and the other half meting out vigilante justice upon the group of sadistic killers who think they're smarter than her.


Monday, 16 October 2017

Its movie time!!! 3 - The sequels prequel!

God damn it I've watched a shitload of films recently, probably because the Horror Channel is one of the few channels on freeview that is worth watching.
Anyway, here's half a dozen more celluloid time wasters...

(DVD Cover 2012)
Yes, it turns out that the Hairy ape man that lives in the woods is real, and he bursts onto the screen in all his poor quality CGI awesomeness.
The films plot ends up being pretty much the same as King Kong, Bigfoot is found, people try to hunt him down for a bounty, Bigfoot is pretty much invulnerable to hails of machine gun fire, then he climbs up the face of mount rushmore and gets blown up by some fighter planes.

This film is a half decent no-brainer, although the story is weak as fuck and some of the special effects are proper bargain basement, but its not that bad really.

(Theatrical poster 1996)
An obese and corrupt lawyer runs a gypsy woman over while receiving oral sex from his wife. his friendship with the local judge and public prosecutor ensures that he gets off with the crime, however the gypsies don't consider the matter finished, and the Lawyer ends up being cursed to keep losing weight until he dies, regardless of how much he eats.

Another Stephen King based film, and its not bad, although it is a little slow paced. The ending differs from the book but its to no detriment.


(DVD cover 2014)
Following on from the events of the last film, this straight to DVD feature sees the inbred mutant hillbillies terrorising the customers of a holiday resort.

*yawn*, its just more of the same really, although this film seems to have more tits and arse then the previous instalment (some quite nice ones as well, back in the 80s they'd have been paused and rewound dozens of times) , and ramps up the gruesome deaths and scenes of cannibalism, there's quite literally fuck all to get excited about.


(Theatrical poster 2006)
A group of friends head on out to sea on a yacht. After a bit of tomfoolery, they all decide to jump overboard for a swim, but neglect to lower the boarding ladder so they can get back on board. Cue 90 minutes of getting in touch with their feelings, backstabbing each other (in one case, literally) and getting naked in a series of futile attempts to get back on the boat and not drown.
Basically a film about stupid people doing something stupid and paying for it. It has nice visuals but the endless scenes of people getting ridiculously emotional just wear me down and spoil what would otherwise be a pretty good idea.

(Theatrical poster 2012)
 10 year old Tommy has a birthday party, complete with a surly and foul mouthed clown, the titular "Stitches". Stitches promptly manages to get himself killed in a freak accident while attempting to perform, and gives Tommy a bit of mental scarring about clowns.
Six years later and Tommy is planning to have a party to celebrate his 16th. He eventually settles on having a big party over a small gathering of friends, mainly because he wants to shag his school crush.Problem is though, Tommy had a curse placed on him by the local clown secret society, and, as his birthday approaches, he begins having hallucinations of clowns doing horrible things, culminating in Stitches returning from the dead as his party is in full swing to get his revenge on the kids that were there to witness his demise.

I enjoyed this film, as it has a nice blend of slasher, gore and comedy. I particularly liked the depiction of the clowns as all being foul mouthed and surly men who disliked kids and were resentful at having to perform for them.
The only real bad points are that the film suffers from all the cliches expected of a "psychokiller in the house" type film, but then again it works being as that this film isn't trying to be all serious and shit.


(Theatrical poster 2003)
"Monster" tells the semi fictionalised story of serial killer Aileen Wuornos and her life between 1987 and 1990. Starring an almost unrecognisable Charlize Theron as Wuornos and Christina Ricci as the fictional character "Selby Wall" (based on Tyria Moore, Wuornos' girlfriend at the time. Presumably Moore declined for her name to be used) The film charts the period in Wuornos's life when, while being homeless and resorting to prostitution to earn money, Wuornos contemplates suicide, but later sees a bit of a turnaround in her fortunes when she meets Selby in a bar as she goes to have one last drink. Their relationship quickly develops, with Wuornos trying to find normal work to get away from prostitution, and Selby providing the love and attention that Wuornos so desperately craves.
Paradise is short lived however as Wuornos is unable to get a job due to her past and general attitude, and Selby becomes increasingly needy, so with little choice, Wuornos goes back to prostitution. The only problem this time round being that her increasing mental instability leads her to begin killing the men she goes off with in order to rob them.

As films about real life serial killers go, this is your fairly standard one, showing background, the means and the motives to killing, however in this case, the film seems to downplay Wuornos' extreme mental problems in favour of attempting to blame her acts on years of abuse at the hands of men (in truth, both were most likely significant contributing factors, as well as her heavy drug and alcohol abuse). Ricci does really well at playing the shy and awkward but extremely passive aggressive character of Selby, and Theron does really well as Wuornos.
The film does get a little boring at times, with long scenes of talking about feelings and all that, and anyone watching this film expecting some hot girl on girl action will be sorely disappointed, as will people expecting large amounts of blood and gore.
Still, its a nice change from the usual bloodletting.


Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Its movie time!!! 2 - the prequel sequel!

Right, here are a half dozen more films I've watched recently......

(DVD cover 2011)
Yet another generic formula zombie outbreak film, this time set in the 1870s. Theres a zombie outbreak during the US civil war, and fairly soon the countyside is overrun by flesh eating zombies, which the hero of the piece has to try his best to survive against despite insurmountable odds.

Contains nothing that we havent seen before, but tries to be "different" by being a bit "western"...fails miserably.

(DVD cover 2006)
The moon gets hit by an asteroid, which causes its orbit to shift slightly, so a team of astronauts must go to the moon and do something about it before the Earths ecosystem gets completely fucked up by all the changes to weather and that.

Again, this film contains nothing that we havent seen before, and even on the low budget it was obviously filmed under, it manages to tell a decentish story, albeit one that requires extreme suspension of disbelief.

 (DVD cover 2013)

Some young people run afoul of some mutant hillbilly psycho cannibals while on holiday at a halloween festival. Taking refuge in the nearby town, the hillbillys proceed to tear the town and its inhabitants apart in an attempt to rescue their serial killer friend from the town jail.

I wasnt even aware of this "franchise", and havent seen any of the predecessor films, but, lets face it, the "psycho killer inbred hillbilly slasher" genre is becoming just as well trodden and stale as the "zombie outbreak" genre.
That said, the films pace and story do make for a semi interesting watch, and the gore effects are pretty good, but nothing new is on show here.

 (Theatrical poster 1985)

An anthology film containing three stories brought together by the wraparound narrative of a stray tom cat being called to by a young girl (Drew Barrymore) in distress.
As is the usual from a Stephen King based affair, the stories all contain a mix of horror, sci-fi and darkness.
The first story ("Quitters, Inc") is that of a man (James Woods) who signs up with a company that guarantees they will get him to quit smoking, however their methods are somewhat unauthodox and quite disturbing.
The second story ("The Ledge") is about a debt ridden gambler being blackmailed by the jealous husband of a woman he is having an affair with taking one last bet which he hopes will cancel his debts and allow him to live happily ever after. Problem is is that the jealous husband is also a gambler, and has a bit of a screw loose as well.
The final story ("General") sees the cat finding and being adopted as a pet by the girl who has been calling to him. Unfortuneately, the childs mother doesnt like cats, and the appearance of decidedly child-unfriendly goblin gives her the excuse she needs to get rid of it.

I quite enjoyed this film, although not particularly being much of a fan of Stephen Kings work, the stories are indeed solid and well told and acted, and the framing narrative of having a cat as the main character but not having him particularly influence the outcome of the first two stories is fairly original and refreshing.

(Theatrical poster 2012)
Three people find themselves being stalked and trapped inside an ATM kiosk by a mysterious hooded figure, who then attempts to kill them by various methods.
*sigh* yet another "stalking psychokiller" type of film which relies too much on being shot in dimly lit conditions and spends far too much time on having the main characters spend time talking amongst themselves, interdispersed with the killer making some attempt to lure them out and/or kill them by various means.
Crap dialogue, bad acting, boring story, predictable ending...its crap.

(Theatrical poster 2013)
From the 1960s through to the early 1980s, the CIA oversaw project MKUltra, an attempt to find chemical substances and proceedures which could be administered on people in order to control their minds. The film centres around the development of a drug named DMT-19 during the MKUltra program which had some rather odd, and rather disturbing, side effects, especially so when the drug reappears in modern times and triggers a series of disapperances that seem to be linked to the broadcasts from a numbers station located in the middle of the Nevada desert. A reporter investigates the disappearance of her friend and all sorts of disturbing stuff ensues.

This is a pretty decent film, and although at first glance it would appear to be some sort of generic government conspiracy type film, it ends up being somewhat unique in its execution.



Its movie time!!!

Eeh by gum, been a long while since I put anything on here, so I thought I'd dust the place off a bit and have a natter about some films I've been watching recently, mostly courtesy of the Horror Channel.

So, In no particular order.....

(Theatrical poster 2011)

Five semi-naked young women decide to go for a long nature ramble in the British countryside (you know, that place where wearing nothing but short shorts, bikini tops, fashion wellies and having little to no field craft skills is a really good idea.) . Inevitably, they meet up with some love interests and eventually some psychos then the blood and depravity starts etc etc etc.

A predictable formulaic film filled with bad acting and bad dialogue but manages to have half decent gore effects and a fairly interesting plot twist.


(Release poster 2014)

Sometime in the future humans are at war with some aliens that definitely don't look like Xenomorphs from the "Alien" franchise and some shit goes down that leaves most women infertile or something, and then a special forces team escorting one of the few fertile women gets chased by the aliens (who are seemingly indestructible) into some kind of forgotten underground complex which consists soully of increasingly narrowing tunnels and pipes, so the team has to "crawl or die".

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure what the point of this film is supposed to be, as it contains little to no dialogue, but manages to contain loads of grunting from the main character, as well as many, many close ups of her face and as she slowly strips down until she is wearing nothing more than a sports bra, bikini bottoms and knee length high heeled go go boots (military issue go go boots?, the future is fucked) , close up shots of her arse and camel toe. Its pointless mentioning any of the other characters, as they get killed off one by one by the aliens chasing them, but the films entire plot consists of the go go boot wearing "hero" crawling through a series of increasingly small and invariably dirt filled tunnels and pipes before she finally escapes the complex.
Somebody must have been on something when they came up with this idea.

2/10 - Only because the arse in question is quite nice to look at.

 (Theatrical poster 2007)

A mans wife is murdered in a particularly gruesome fashion, and the only clue is a mysterious ventriloquists dummy that was delivered to their house only a few hours before. He returns to his childhood home to organise her funeral and to try and unravel the mystery of what happened, but finds that a supernatural curse has come calling to collect on an old debt.

Yeah, this is actually a GOOD film, with an interesting story and an unexpected plot twist at the end.


(Theatrical poster 1958)
A scientist meddles with things he does not understand and ends up in a horrible predicament.

Considering this film is considered a classic, and one of the first examples of the "body horror" genre, I had never actually seen it until the other day, and I can't say I was terribly impressed.
Even for the time, the story pacing is slow and somewhat dull, with the real "action" not happening until near the end of the film.
Despite being classed as one of Vincent Prices definitive horror roles, his part in the film is pretty minimal and not exactly pivotal, which leads me to believe he was cast to merely be a "big name" in the film. David Hedison (who later played Captain Crane in Voyage to the bottom of the sea) does a fairly competent job as the scientist who gets in over his head (literally) but other than that I cant really say much about this decidedly average film.

(VHS/DVD cover 1999)
This TV Movie tells the story of the microcomputer revolution, focusing mainly on the fortunes of the Apple company and its main players in the form of Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, with Bill Gates and Microsoft's humble beginnings being thrown in there for good measure.

The film does take some liberties with actual events, but, unlike some of the more modern films made just after Steve Jobs' death in 2011, the liberties taken do not deviate from the true story that much.
Noah Wyle does a magnificent job of portraying Jobs as being the vain and egotistical asshole that he was, and Anthony Michael Hall pulls off a good performance in the role of Bill Gates as the sneaky, calculating but ultimately more skilled businessman that he is.
Being as it was made in 1999, the film ends before the Apple company saw a resurgence in its fortunes with the introduction of the "iSOMETHING" series of products, but manages to portray all events up to and including the launch, and subsequent failure, of the Macintosh series of computers and the fallout between the Steve's when Woz finally tires of Jobs' egotistical nature.

(Promotional poster 2009)
A TV movie made by the BBC, in a similar vein to "Pirate of Silicon Valley", Micro Men charts the course of the fortunes of the British Microcomputer industry, starting in the late 70s and ultimately ending in the late 80s.
Clive Sinclair (as he was known until receiving a knighthood in 1983) started off the 70s with the successful invention and marketing of small, affordable pocket calculators, however his subsequent inventions of a digital watch (the "Black Watch") and a pocket television set (the "Microvision") both end up being unsuccessful, mainly due to the technology not being sufficiently advanced enough and the products not being quality assured very well. after the windup of Sinclair Radionics, Sinclair begins a new business venture in the form of Sinclair computers, a business that he had dispatched his long time friend Chris Curry to set up for him under the name of "Science of Cambridge" to test market a small computer kit called the Mk14.
Curry however, seeing that Clive intends to completely take control over this new company and thus ignore all the work done and possibly profitable ideas he envisaged, promptly jumps ship and sets up his own rival business in the form of Acorn Computers.
With the Microcomputer boom of the early 80s, both companies see a massive amount of success, however short sightedness, hubris and both men's unwillingness to live in the here and now see both Sinclair and Acorns fortunes take a dramatic downturn in the late 80s, with both companies being sold off to other, more successful business concerns, leaving both Sinclair and Curry more or less back where they started.

This film is really, really good. Armstrong and Freeman do magnificent jobs of portraying their characters, and the films use of 80s music(so memorable that the BBC actually released the films soundtrack in music store) really tops off this fine piece of historical high-jinks. although some liberties are taken with the time line of events and recreations of such, they don't take it too far off the tracks.


Sunday, 19 March 2017

What the actual Fuck?:- The Humanoid (1979) - the not-star wars trilogy 1/3

Oh no....I have found another film which deserves an in depth review/recap/piss take.

This time round the piece of celluloid shit in question is 1979s "The Humanoid", or to give it its correct name "L'umanoide", as it was produced by an Italian film company who, like the makers of spaghetti westerns before them, decided that Sci-fi was worth a punt (this sort of thinking was also responsible for the creation of "Pumaman")So, anyway, 1977 saw the release of the smash hit blockbuster space opera sci-fi action film you might have heard of called "Star Wars", and, while this film was generally considered to be "good", Italian director Aldo Lado (credited as "George B Lewis") pondered the question "What if I made my own version of Star Wars, but on a much, much lower budget and starring more Italians?"...the end conclusion being vomited on to the screen as "The Humanoid".

The Cast

It seems that Aldos casting agent had been to the pictures to see one of the late 70's other attempts to cash in on the Star Wars fever, Moonraker, and Aldo himself must have been over the moon when he received a call to tell him that two cast members from that film had been signed to appear in his film. Unfortunately, Roger Moore and Lois Chiles did not turn up for the first day of filming, as the cast members in question were Richard Kiel (Jaws) and Corrine Clery (The woman who shagged Bond and then got torn apart by Drax's Dobermanns).
Other than that, most of the rest of the cast are minor bit part players in the world of spaghetti westerns and no one you need worry yourself over.


Right, lets get this over with....... *unsheaths katana and writes death poem*

The films epic theme tune, which sounds like a lift muzak version of "Ode to Joy", plays as we endure nearly three whole minutes of slowly crawling credits, in which we are informed that the film stars a lot of people who played extras in  films which also probably starred Clint Eastwood...mind you, these days a long opening sequence with a shit ton of credits has become the norm, as you have to get those names out there and please the actors unions and sponsors and shit.....

Oh, wait look, another opening crawl, that actually relates to the plot!...wowsers, never seen that before!....

A large, triangular spaceship that definitely doesn't look anything like a star destroyer enters view over the camera, on course for somewhere...

But, oh noes!, this amazing galactic adventure could be over before its begun, as the huge spacecheesewedge gets challenged by a border patrol ship....

 "and where the fuck do you think you're going?"

Pew pew pew!

Er..oh well, never mind that then.....
No, the Cheese slice of ultimate doom carries Graal, our main villain for this film...

"When they said gimp masks were being slashed, how was I to know they meant it literally?!?!"

Graal and his army of Dark Helmet from Spaceballs lookalike stormtroopers are on course for Metropolis, because they want to steal something from a science institute and kill everyone, especially someone called Barbara Gibson, because he saw her in Moonraker and couldn't believe such a young and attractive woman would go to bed with someone old enough to be her dad, and not him, fucking frigid bitch, he'll make her pay!.

The ship arrives at Metropolis, formerly known as Earth, but looks more like Mars, and sends down a shuttle carrying an assault team. Meanwhile at the science place, Bond Girl pretends to be doing some hard sums while people in the background fiddle with interesting looking props.
Suddenly, a viewscreen beeps, and tells Bond Girl that she has an incoming call from Tom-Tom. She initially refuses it as she has never owned a Sat-Nav and just uses the GPS function on her phone but alas....

"People of Earth, Attention!...."

Tom-Tom is the name of a mysterious asian youth who is Bond Girls student. He requests she comes home immediately, she asks why, but he replies with some mystical sounding words, which cause her to enter a trance like state and leave...

"I really needed the pay cheque"

..and its a good job she did, as the Spaceballs attack just after she drives off in her futuristic space car!, which doesn't look anything like a motorboat with some extra bits glued on to make it look more "spacey"...

"Relics and religion aint no match for a good blaster!"
 "Arrrgh!, me toe!"
"BOOM!, Headshot!"
 "Should I tell them it was a weapons malfunction?"
"Nah, no one would be stupid enough to fall for that!"

So yeah, they kill everyone there and then start looking for an "odd shaped one". Quickly realising that they aren't looking for some sort of vegetable that looks like a penis, they instead make do with nicking something called "Krapitron". Graal is pleased that they stole the faeces-machine, but not that they they didn't spawn camp Bond Girl until she ragequit off the server and went to post on galactic tumblr about how gaming is misogynistic because other people have better skills at Team deathmatch than her clan does.

The Jedi council meet to discuss the total pwnage handed out by Clan Spaceball against Clan Unicorn-kin, and the top head dungeon master wizard Jedi bloke, aka "Great brother", learns that not only did Bond girl chicken out, but that also the krapitron has been ninja-looted as well. Also, Clan Spaceball tagged the walls and blocked up the toilets by stuffing loads of paper down them and then shitting on top of it, as a big "fuck you" to anyone who tries to unblock them.

In the grim darkness of the far future, all furniture comes from Ikea.

As it turns out, the krapitron is actually some sort of mutagen, which has horrid side effects on humans if they are exposed to it, and it was Bond Girl who had been working on it, discovering its horrid side effects which led to the mad scientist, Dr. Kraspin, being locked up in a looney bin. Now that Graal has it, he will probably use it for some nefarious reason, or he might just keep it n a display shelf along with his collection of Disneys 'The Black Hole' action figures..who knows?...certainly not me but I'm sure that the plot will thicken before long.

All while this is going off, Bond Girl is sat playing space chess with Tom-Tom, which isn't even his real name. Tom-Tom explains that his real name means "ocean of knowledge" in some unpronounceable language and that hes from "many eons away"(but he can get back in less than 12 parsecs), but doesn't mind being called Tom-tom, he then makes a winning move at space chess and teabags Bond Girl, she ragequits because that's her second pwnage of the day.

"Can we play CoD instead?"

Great Brother tasks Nick, a hotshot space pilot, with the task of finding Bond Girl so she can tell him about the krapitron and stop Graal from collecting action figures.

"Use the Force Nick!"
"The Force?"
"Yeah, Force Graal to stop being such a dickhead, by killing him"
"Ahhh, I'm with you now, but i thought we were all peaceful an shit"
"Fuck that, we are gonna go on their server and kick their asses"
"lets raid, kekekekekekekekekeke!"

So, after a short muzakky interlude, we are introduced to our second male lead, Jaws, who now sports a big beard. Jaws is on his way in the Century Pigeon (TM) to Metropolis, but for some reason is not able to contact their spaceport to ask for landing permission...

"I lost my heart to a StarShip Trooper..."

Oh yeah, he also has a sidekick, named "Kip"....


Hopefully the cute robot dog will help to sell shit tons of "Humanoid" action figures an shit..
So anyways, Jaws tries to figure out whats going off, firstly by smashing his radio, and then by saying that they will probably end up in suspended animation, a bit like Buck Rogers.

The Century Pigeon(TM) encounters what Jaws identifies ad an old command ship, and decides to follow it...

 "I sense no danger here"

 Back on Earth, the plot is moved along slightly by Nick giving Bond Girl a good grilling about the Krapitron and Dr. Krisppacket, however as she spills her guts, she notices Tom-Tom has disappeared, a few seconds of searching finds the odd boy stood outside talking to two odd looking men..


After he comes back in, Nick asks Tom-Tom to show him on the doll where the nasty men touched him, but Tom-Tom says the men didn't want anything, and didn't even offer him any sweets or the chance to go see some puppies.

In space, the cheese slice approaches the planet Nixon, where we are introduced to the final baddie of this film, played by Barbara Bach...

"I look like a dick, why do I love money so much?"
 This is Lady Agatha, who is definitely evil because we are treated to a scene in which a woman is stripped naked (being as this is an Italian film, we get to see tits) and has her bodily fluids drained so the Dr. Krisppacket can make a youth serum for her, which she has to take on a daily basis otherwise her breasts might start to sag.
Grall arrives and is surprised by how badass the base is on planet Nixon, then Krisppacket outlines the plan for conquering Metropolis.
As Metropolis has a shit load of nuclear weapons at its disposal, Krisppacket intends to use the Krapitron to create and army of Humanoids, indestructable human "rowbits". He also explains that he wants Bond girl dead because it was her fault that he was locked up in a looney bin.
Krisppacket then retires to his evil lab, where he unpacks the krapitron and starts preparing to test it, but then, the monitor screen lights up as the Century Pigeon (TM) enters orbit, and Krisppacket decides that Jaws will make a perfect test subject for Humanoidisation! (what, he is going to cure his acromegaly?).

"Aww man, I hope I don't get caught using headshot cheats"
 To this end, he turns the bass up on his mid 70s mixing desk, which causes the Century Pigeon(TM) to begin spinning out of control,crash landing in a lake and submerging just enough so that the producers didn't have to pay for a full scale mock up of a futuristic spaceship!

 "I've got a bad feeling about this...."
"Fucks sakes, I knew I shouldn't have let my AA breakdown cover lapse"
 Krisppacket skypes Graal and Agatha to inform them he is about to create the first Humanoid, Graal hides his anger, as the intrusion totes cockblocked him.
Light blue touch paper and stand well back
Krisppacket explains that using less than a gram of krapitron in the warhead of a rocket, he can mutate Jaws into a Humanoid killing machine. Graal reminds him that if he should fail, he will get very angry and ban him from the server for a week, but Krisppacket assures him that he knows what he is doing, and that the results will be viewable immediately after the rocket explodes.
Jaws has gone back to the Century Pigeon (TM) to get a distress beacon, as he doesnt have a fucking clue where he is, but, disaster strikes as Krisppackets rocket finds its target...

No bodies of water were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

 "GRRRAAAGHHH!, Jaws no like having a bath!"

Dr. Krisppacket is overjoyed that his plan worked, as are Graal and Agatha, but, what is the deadly power of krapitron you may ask?, well, behold the hideous mutation...

Yes, that's right, krapitron has the power to render testosterone filled men totally BEARDLESS!!!!!, and this sudden loss of mojo also makes them unable to speak except in a series of grunts, and makes them walk funny (probably because it shrinks their nads).
Kip is terrified of his owners sudden beardlessness, but follows him as he begins shuffling his way across the desert, but, O-HO!, he is attacked by a group of spaceballs.

These spaceballs prove no match for him though, as he is suddenly immune to their laser guns and proceeds to backhand slap and throw them all over the place. This brawl is quickly brought to an end when Krisppacket reveals that Humanoids can be brought under control by a special gas which renders them unconscious, so Jaws is brought down and fetched to the lab, where phase two of the plan begins.
"Anyone got a tissue?"
You see, mindless killing machines aren't much use if you leave them to their own devices, so Krisppacket has invented a way of controlling them by implanting a capsule of mucus into their foreheads, which will allow them to control Jaws and get him to do something productive with his new super powers.
"So, he will now do anything we tell him?"
"Get him to show us his wiener!"
 It is decided that to fully test his powers, Jaws will be dropped on to Metropolis,where he is to hunt down and kill Great Brother-Kenobi, as this will make the people of Metropolis weak.
Krisppacket informs Graal that a full sized krapitron weapon will be ready in about a week, so if this test goes according to plan, they can use the proper weapon to attack Metropolis and turn all its inhabitants into mindless killing machines....MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

In a reuse of the footage from earlier, a shuttle is sent down to drop Jaws off outside the city...
Jaws wakes up and makes his way to the city, where he effortlessly punches out wave after wave of gold suited security guards, whose puny lasers simply bounce off of his super powered body.
Nick, now the captain of the guard, realising that he will probably end up dead if he hangs around to fight, runs inside the counsel building and pleads with Great Brother-Kenobi to escape and take him with him, Which he does, leaving all the men of the guard to die horribly...
In the grim darkness of the far future, Jehovas witnesses still wont take "No" for an answer.
 Finding the his target has fled, Jaws then goes outside and steals a space car to give chase, as Krisppacket informs him via mucus radio that they have gone back to the science lab place where they got pwn3d before...
"Atomic batteries to power....turbines to speed..."

Nick informs the assembled Jedi counsel and Bond girl that none of their weapons were effective against Jaws, even though he didn't really stick around long enough to see much of the battle, but hey, he is the "hero" of this film, so it doesn't matter if he consigned dozens of goldsuits to their deaths.
Bond girl deduces that such a thing could only be the work of the fiendish Dr. Krisppacket.
"So Nick, you kinda fucked up and disgraced yourself there didn't you?"
Nick is given the chance to redeem himself as by helping defend the base when a red alert is called as Jaws approaches.
"I hear this guy is ranked #1 on the server"
"Just make sure you pick the right perks and don't spray"
"We gonna 'nade him to death?"
"Fuck yeah!, who needs l337 skillz when you have n0ob cho0bz"
 Alas, the outcome is inevitable......

 "Yeeeahhh, take that you R/tard!"
"ZOMG!, turrets are for n0obz!"

"UR totally h@xXing j0o fagort!"
"Get the admins to kick/ban him"
"Nick, you're a dismal failure, I just wanted you to know that before Jaws rips us limb from limb"
 Clan goldsuit doesn't last very long against the might of Jaws, but, Nick comes up with one last ditch plan. He shows Brother-Kenobi a hydraulic press, into which he places a ball of "Krytpton metal". He explains that although krypton metal is the strongest metal known to man, the press is stronger, which he demonstrates by dropping the press and turning the ball into a silver pizza.
Jaws breaks into the building and finds Brother-Kenobi waiting for him in a corridor, Krisppacket gives the order to kill, and Jaws advances into the carefully lain and not at all obvious trap..

"Nick, is there anything you ARE good at?"
"Why don't you give 'being killed' a try, you might find your niche there"

"So long Captain Idiot, can't say you'll be missed"
Lady luck smiles on our inept hero though, as Dr. Krisppacket suddenly realises that Bond Girl will be there, and, indulging in his quest for vengeance, changes the primary attack target to her.
"she will pay for not allowing me access to her vajin!"

In space, Graals ship holds orbit as the planet below is still under red alert, but, confident in his impending victory, he sends down another drop ship full of spaceballs to keep an eye on Jaws and to attack on his command.
Meanwhile, Bond girl and Tom-Tom are trying to figure out a way to stop Jaws..
 "What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to find a copy of punkbuster and install
"Good plan, lets see if it works"
"It probably will, being as Nick didnt think of it"
"ooooh, saucer of blue milk, table two"
"Hello, I just wondered if you had ever given any thought to the spiritual direction your life is taking?"
"Sorry m8, we don't go for all that woo-woo bullshit, do we Tom-Tom?"
"leave me out of this"
 Jaws busts in, well, more like, just walks in being as the door was left unlocked, and chases Bond girl around the house, including having he jump into a tub full of water for some reason. But, like so many young women being pursued by a gigantic killing machine in films before and since, she finds out that running in circles around a house does nothing, and, inevitably..

"You will convert to the dark side!"
"No!, I disagree with Islam on many fundamental levels, its core belief system is totally incompatible with our culture!"
"Its fucking nazis like you that perpetuate racism in this galaxy!"
"Why, what race are muslims like?"
Bond girl is in luck though, as Tom-Tom spent some time as a cult deprogrammer, and uses his mystical words to calm the angry Jaws...
"Strike a pose, there's nothing to it..Vogue...."

"Am I doing it right?"
"Close enough, you'll get it right in time"
"Praise Madonna!"
"Yes...yes thats good"
"Suddenly I want to blow up the White House"
"No, no, you don't, that's the Dark side talking"
"So, will you teach me the ways of the Force, master?"
"Yes, now repeat after me...Praise Kek!"
"Good, you're learning"

Meanwhile, Bond girl managed to escape, leaving the young boy at the mercy of a deranged psychokiller, and is now running around in the desert trying to find help.

She finds help alright....

Once again though, her fine ass is saved by Tom-Tom, with help from his strange friends...
 "Execute Order 66!"

 "Roger roger"
"Aww no fair, hes not allowed to use h@xX"
"But, I thought killing was against the Jedi code?"
"Meeeeeeh, its more of a series of guidelines than anything actually concrete"
Upon returning to the house, Tom-Tom reveals that he gave Jaws a tissue to wipe the mind control bogey off his forehead, so now Jaws is a good guy and all that. Bond girl flirts with him to further gain his trust, and actually has Jaws believing that she could go with a hideous mutant like him.
The flirtation pays off when Jaws tells them that Graal and Krisppacket are on planet Nixon, so she leave him with blue balls and hurries off to tell Nick and Brother-Kenobi.
Problem is, the spaceballs were waiting outside for her, and whisk her off in a spaceship as Tom-Tom and Jaws look on helpless....OH NOES!

Bond girl is brought before Graal and Agatha, and explains that Brother-Kenobi still lives, much to Graals displeasure, he orders Bond girl locked up and for the cheese wedge to return to planet Nixon to find out WTF went wrong with Jaws from Dr. Krisppacket.

"Ahh, Lord Graal, I recognised your foul stench when I was brought aboard" "Fuck you bitch, its hard to get a proper wash when you're stuck in this gimp suit!"
"Do you like my new haircut? its slightly less stupid than my old one"
Meanwhile back at the Jedi temple, Jaws and Tom-Tom have told Nick and Brother-Kenobi that Graal and all the other bastards are hiding out on planet Nixon.
Nick the idiot suggests an all out attack, Brother-Kenobi shoots this idea down, not because it is actually a dumb idea, but simply because Nick suggested it....
"Why are you discriminating against my ideas?"
"Because Nick, your track record in this film so far has been one of ineptitude and incompetence"
"I'm taking you to an employment tribunal for constructive dismissal you old twat!"
"Yeah, good luck with that one Nick, remember, I have a copy of this film on DVD, and your employment records going right back to when you started here as a YTS trainee sweeping the floor in the canteen"

Instead, Brother-Kenobi decides that the best plan of action is for Nick to lead a suicide commando raid on Nixon, that way, if he gets himself killed, he wont be around any longer to bring shame on the rest of them. Nick agrees and Jaws also volunteers, because he thinks Bond girl owes him at least a handjob, Tom-Tom tags along too as they set off in another ship which looks identical to the Century Pigeon (TM) but cant be being as that got blown up....definitely not a reuse of footage to save money..nahhh, gawd bless ya nahhhh.

Little did Nick know, but Brother-Kenobi had given Jaws orders to kill Nick regardless of whether the mission was successful or not.
 Graal and Agatha arrive back on planet Nixon, and Bond girl is brought before Dr. Krisppacket.
"I have you now you cockteasing bitch, you'll pay for having me sectioned!"
"You are insane!"
"No I'm not!!!, my magic vest said so!"
Before Krisppacket has the chance to act out his lustful fantasies on her, Bond girl is taken away so that Graal can find out why Jaws went rogue. Krisppacket fast talks his way out of being killed by claiming that the mind control bogey must have been damaged in the battle, but, once he has a full army of brainwashed killing machines, it is far less likely to happen. Graal accepts this bullshit and lets him get on with whatever it was he was doing.
The Century Pigeon 2 (TM) begins its final approach to planet Nixon, its crew tense and ready for action, but, as Nick is the one doing the flying, the inevitable happens...

"Whatever you do, stay behind Nick and don't let him make any major decisions"
"S.I.G Jaws"
"Ok guys, we are coming out of light"

 "Blue 1 to blue squadron, Tally ho!"

"Danger, Will Robinson"
"He came out of light speed too close to the planet, they picked us up straight away"
"Schoolboy error"

 "This is blue 2, Fox3!"

"Spectrum is red, repeat,spectrum is red!"
"no shit sherlock!, what are you planning to do about it like?"
"Er, Tom-tom, take over the controls"
"and what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to run through the back and use my uniform as a latrine"
"Yeah well while you're back there, try using the gun turret"
 Dan-dandan, Dan-dandan, DAN-DAN, DER der der der!
 "Watch this for some fancy flying...ARRRGH!"
"LOL!, n0ob"
"Hey guys, I got one!"
"Ok Nick, just don't get penisy!"
 "Blue 2 to blue leader, we are receiving a request from puple and orange squadrons to join in"
"Purple and orange?...Starbuck and Apollo are coming?"
"Lol, nah, they wouldn't be in a shit film like this"
"Holy shit, my skills are so l337 at this, maybe I've finally found something I'm actually good at"

"Tom-tom, did you tell him you had installed an auto aim hack into the ships targeting computer?"
"Shit!, you know he is going to be fucking insufferable now don't you?"
"Oh bugger, hadn't thought of that" 
 "Hey dudes, I think I got us through to the boss fight!"
"Yeah, nice going Nick, keep it up"
 "Activate our best hacks, Clan spaceball will not be humiliated by a bumbling n0ob like Nick the idiot!"
"How'd you like these space apples f@g0rt??//??1/1/1!!!1//"
"Well, we survived, thats the good news, the bad news is that we only have 10% hull integrity left and the mind control mucus has made me forget how to fly this ship, so ima just gonna wing it. Hope I make this piloting skill roll,otherwise, we are all fucked"
Wow, that was an intense action scene wasn't it?, and nothing at all like what I have ever seen in any other film of the time.
So yeah, after the intense space battle, both Nick and Tom-tom were knocked out, leaving Jaws to try and land, thankfully due to Tom-toms Jedi training, he manages it....

"Thanks for not getting us all killed Jaws!"
"Meh, 6+ on 2D6 isn't that hard of a roll to make, esp with my 'lucky bastard' modifier"
"You know by 'us', I mean me and you?"
"Lets go see if I really am lucky.."
"Is he dead Tom-tom?"
"Nope, unfortunately"
Indeed, Nick is uninjured and soon wakes up. Tom-tom tells him that Jaws managed to land the ship, but its so knackered that they're effectively stuck on planet Nixon for the forseeable future.
Suddenly, a familiar quacking sound is heard, cue the reentrance of Kip the robot dog, who just happened to be nearby when the Century Pigeon 2 (TM) crash landed. Jaws is overjoyed to see his robotic companion, and the trio set off to follow the faithful robohound to wherever it is that it is leading them to.

As it turns out, Kip leads them to Graals secret base, where they sneak in after Kip leads some inept guards away from the entrance, somehow, Nick manages not to fuck this one up.

Inside the base, Krisppacket supervises the final assembly of his doom rocket while Graal and Agatha watch. Krisppacket points out that once the rocket his Metropolis, it will turn the entire planetary population into Humanoids, which Graal can then use to conquer the galaxy. Graal is pleased with this.
 "BEHOLD!, the ultimate death rocket of incalcuable doom!"

 "As you can see, it has a long, smooth shaft, and carries within it enough power to destroy anyone, even you Lady Agatha, but that's enough discussion about my penis, the rocket is a pretty good weapon if I do say so myself"

Nick, Jaws, Tom-tom and Kip meanwhile have decided to go hunting for Bond girl, you know, instead of trying to stop the planet destroying death rocket. They make their way through a service corridor, but end up bumping into some of Graals personal guard, which allows Nick to show off his awesome melee combat skills.....

"What the fuck?"
...which, much like his other skills, end up being somewhat sub-par, as the guards manage to get the better of him and hold him at gun point, good job Jaws is still around though...

"These guys are going up in the world"
"Oh Jaws!"
"Sorry Tom-tom, couldn't resist it"
So, while the boys are busy amusing themselves with the Personal guard, Dr. Krisppacket has found a use for Bond girl, he plans to suck out her vital juices and use them in Agathas youth serum, because apparently Bond girls juices are much more powerful than anyone else', and will mean that something something something convenient plot device.

"Help me Jaws, you're my only hope!"
Dr.Krisppacket also seems to have eliminate the requirement for the harvesting subject to be stripped nude before they are put in the machine, either that or Bond girl refused to get her kit off unless they paid her a shit ton more money....they obviously didn't have enough.
 Jaws to the rescue!

Jaws and nick arrive just in time to stop the evil machine from sucking Bond girls juices. Graal, who is watching the process along with Krisppacket and Agatha in the control room orders some spaceballs in to take care of them, but alas, Nick mangaes to kill them with his laser pistol. Krisppacket cannot believe that Jaws has gone over to the heros side, because he hadn't seen Moonraker yet, but says that he can easily capture them all..
"Aww shit, who's got the vape?"
Graal, Agatha and Krisppacket flee to Graals ship, but on the way, Agatha starts to get withdrawal symptoms from the youth serum, and as taking it gives you constipation, she suddenly gets the urge to take a massive shit.
"Arrrgh, me guts!"
"Don't worry madam, there are plenty of toilets on the cheese wedge"
"They'd better not be the dirtiest toilets in the galaxy"
 Back in the suction room, Nick and Jaws manage to free Bond girl from the machine after Kip uses his car aerial tail to press a button that turns the Vape off. They all make a run for it, stopping off to fight some more spaceballs on the way before making it into the lift which takes them up to the hangar bay.

Meanwhile Graal and Krisppacket, along with a rapidly failing Agatha, stop to begin the doom rockets launch sequence, with a smug satisfaction that the lift doors are locked and nothing can stop their evil plans now.....
..yeah, Graal forgot that Jaws is a super powered killing machine, so all the bad guys promptly shit themselves before Graal gets his shit together and orders wave after wave of spaceballs into action...*cue action sequence*

 "Hey, whats that big guy doing down there?"
"Dunno, ignore him"
"But hes grabbing hold of one of the supports"
"Just ignore him"

"Told you he was up to something"
 "I think we're fucked"
"I think you're right, lets get the hell outta here"

 "OH YEEEAAAAHHH!, Rambo ain't got shit on me"
"Tom-tom, are you using your weird powers to make every shot he makes a hit?"

 "Oi!, server rules said no turrets you cheaters!"
"STFU n0ob!"

 "Don't be afraid to use your nails boys!"

 The stress of being in a thrilling action sequence takes its toll on Kip

 Oooooh, death by dogshit....nasssssstyyyyy

"Hey Bond girl, did I tell you about the space battle I was in where I smashed 200 fighters and a star destroyer single handed?"
"Did he Tom-tom?"
"He thinks he did"
"Ah, so now I know what that brown patch is on the back of his trousers"
The battle rages on, and, while Graal and Agatha make a run for it, Jaws spots that Krisppacket is making for the rocket launch platform. After disposing of some spaceballs manning a gun turret, he decides to go all Jesse Ventura on their asses...
 "Say 'ello to my lil friend!"
 "ARRRGH!, two days from retirement as well!"

"Revenge is a dish best served cold, but I'm also partial to melting some cheese on the top"
So that's one villain dealt with, now, what of the others?

 "Graal, 'ave y' got 20 creds mayyte?"
"Fuckin' smack'eds"
Graal and Agatha are still trying to escape, but unfortunately, Agatha's heroin withdrawal symptoms become too much for her, and she succumbs to the inevitable....

"remember kids, just say NO!"
...her chronic constipation gives way to terminal diarrhea, which leeches all of her bodily fluids out and leaves her a shriveled up husk in a forgotten corner.

Graal meanwhile has made it safely to the exit zone, or so he thinks...
"loooooooooooool, so long f@g0rts!, I'm still boss of this server, KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!"
You see, nobody told Graal they were playing TDM, and not Survival time trial, so while he slinks off to hide in the Cheesewedge and wait for the round to end, Nick manages to get inside also....

 "Nick, you challenge me to 1v1 DM?"
"Dude, I am going to totally pwn the shit out of yo bitch ass"
"Bring it!"



 "God dammit!, MrMiyagi totes ripped me off with those karate lessons!"
"Your kung-fu is poor Nick,you don't even own your own custom joystick, now, let me show you what someone who is really an expert at Street Fighter can do!..."
"Aww no fair, I'm just using the basic controller, I cant afford one of those custom sticks!"
"Everyone knows if you wanna be a pro gamer you should own a box full of specialised peripherals, its what makes you l337"

"Holy crap dude!"
"Yes, things have moved on a bit since IK+, don't tell me you're still gaming on Spectrum"
"Dude, retro gaming is a valid form of gaming!"

"Next thing you'll be telling me that just because you play candy crush it makes you an authority on what makes a good game"
"er, well..."
"I find your lack of taste disturbing..."

"Screw you Graal, I'm going home, where I intend to post on tumblr about how toxic masculinity like yours is making the gaming industry less inclusive to PoC and Trans gamers"
"Noooo!, no ragequittin brah, we finish this now.."

 "Did I mention there are no saves, continues or respawns on this server?"

Is this the end for our intrepid hero?

Will Batman and Robin escape the Riddlers deadly trap?

I dunno about the Batman and Robin thing, but Jaws comes to Nicks rescue, just like he has done all throughout the film...
"Agh, what the fuck?...JAWS!, you obey ME!"

"FATALITY!....Winner!...Jaws!....FLAWLESS VICTORY!"

Graal has been defeated, however as Jaws drops his gimp suit to the ground, its empty, no corpse to desecrate!. An image of Tom-tom appears in the corner, mumbles something about evil never being defeated and then vanishes, I don't think anyone heard it.
Nick picks himself up and heads back outside, where Bond girl and Kip are still fighting off hordes of spaceballs by themselves...

"So, is Graal dead then?"
"Oh, yeah, I totes kicked his ass in 1v1 bare knuckle"
"But I thought Jaws come to help you?"
"oh, er, by the time he showed up I had already, seen to him, er, oh look, an exit, lets GTFO"

Nick, Bond girl, Tom-tom and Kip make a hasty exit as the secret base collapses and shit, but they reach the surface without Jaws...

"I aint putting up with all this shit and not getting some phat lewt out of it.."

Jaws makes it out just in time with the box of krapitron, then, for some reason, he jumps off a cliff with it into a lake...

There is an explosion shortly after, and everyone mourns Jaws' bizarre suicide, but, in a twist to the tale....

..HE SURVIVES!, not only that, but the exploding box of krapitron somehow enables him to instantly grow his beard back...oh happy days!

A sailing ship that looks like it is made from crystal appears in the sky, and Tom-tom says he has to go home, back to the mystical land of Tibet, ages in the past, however he will always be with them in spirit. He boards the ship, and along with the two strange men who have been following him about for the entire film, sail into the sunset...

Coatee cha tu, yub nub!
Coatee cha tu, yah wah!
Coatee cha tu, glowah!
Allay loo ta nuv....
Allay loo ta nuv....
Allay loo ta nuv!

Jaws didn't get anywhere with Bond girl, they tried a relationship but decided to remain friends. Jaws now runs a used car dealership just outside Solihull.
Nick ended up being beaten to death by a group of youths who he caught handing around his space car. Witnesses said he said something about being the best fighter ever and saving the universe before leaping at the youths in an unprovoked attack.
Brother-Kenobi was impeached from his office as head Jedi after it emerged he had been regularly paying rent boys for sexual services. 
Kip went on to star in a TV pilot show called "Kip & Company" alongside Bond Girl.  The pilot wasn't picked up for a full series.
Rumors have surfaced that two unproduced scripts named "Graal strikes back" and "Return of the Humanoid" were doing the rounds in Hollywood at one point. The major studios confirmed this was in fact true, however the scripts ended up being thrown in the shredder alongside the script for "Mac & Me 2:- Macs revenge" and "Leonard part 7".