Sunday, 19 March 2017

What the actual Fuck?:- The Humanoid (1979) - the not-star wars trilogy 1/3

Oh no....I have found another film which deserves an in depth review/recap/piss take.

This time round the piece of celluloid shit in question is 1979s "The Humanoid", or to give it its correct name "L'umanoide", as it was produced by an Italian film company who, like the makers of spaghetti westerns before them, decided that Sci-fi was worth a punt (this sort of thinking was also responsible for the creation of "Pumaman")So, anyway, 1977 saw the release of the smash hit blockbuster space opera sci-fi action film you might have heard of called "Star Wars", and, while this film was generally considered to be "good", Italian director Aldo Lado (credited as "George B Lewis") pondered the question "What if I made my own version of Star Wars, but on a much, much lower budget and starring more Italians?"...the end conclusion being vomited on to the screen as "The Humanoid".

The Cast

It seems that Aldos casting agent had been to the pictures to see one of the late 70's other attempts to cash in on the Star Wars fever, Moonraker, and Aldo himself must have been over the moon when he received a call to tell him that two cast members from that film had been signed to appear in his film. Unfortunately, Roger Moore and Lois Chiles did not turn up for the first day of filming, as the cast members in question were Richard Kiel (Jaws) and Corrine Clery (The woman who shagged Bond and then got torn apart by Drax's Dobermanns).
Other than that, most of the rest of the cast are minor bit part players in the world of spaghetti westerns and no one you need worry yourself over.


Right, lets get this over with....... *unsheaths katana and writes death poem*

The films epic theme tune, which sounds like a lift muzak version of "Ode to Joy", plays as we endure nearly three whole minutes of slowly crawling credits, in which we are informed that the film stars a lot of people who played extras in  films which also probably starred Clint Eastwood...mind you, these days a long opening sequence with a shit ton of credits has become the norm, as you have to get those names out there and please the actors unions and sponsors and shit.....

Oh, wait look, another opening crawl, that actually relates to the plot!...wowsers, never seen that before!....

A large, triangular spaceship that definitely doesn't look anything like a star destroyer enters view over the camera, on course for somewhere...

But, oh noes!, this amazing galactic adventure could be over before its begun, as the huge spacecheesewedge gets challenged by a border patrol ship....

 "and where the fuck do you think you're going?"

Pew pew pew!

Er..oh well, never mind that then.....
No, the Cheese slice of ultimate doom carries Graal, our main villain for this film...

"When they said gimp masks were being slashed, how was I to know they meant it literally?!?!"

Graal and his army of Dark Helmet from Spaceballs lookalike stormtroopers are on course for Metropolis, because they want to steal something from a science institute and kill everyone, especially someone called Barbara Gibson, because he saw her in Moonraker and couldn't believe such a young and attractive woman would go to bed with someone old enough to be her dad, and not him, fucking frigid bitch, he'll make her pay!.

The ship arrives at Metropolis, formerly known as Earth, but looks more like Mars, and sends down a shuttle carrying an assault team. Meanwhile at the science place, Bond Girl pretends to be doing some hard sums while people in the background fiddle with interesting looking props.
Suddenly, a viewscreen beeps, and tells Bond Girl that she has an incoming call from Tom-Tom. She initially refuses it as she has never owned a Sat-Nav and just uses the GPS function on her phone but alas....

"People of Earth, Attention!...."

Tom-Tom is the name of a mysterious asian youth who is Bond Girls student. He requests she comes home immediately, she asks why, but he replies with some mystical sounding words, which cause her to enter a trance like state and leave...

"I really needed the pay cheque"

..and its a good job she did, as the Spaceballs attack just after she drives off in her futuristic space car!, which doesn't look anything like a motorboat with some extra bits glued on to make it look more "spacey"...

"Relics and religion aint no match for a good blaster!"
 "Arrrgh!, me toe!"
"BOOM!, Headshot!"
 "Should I tell them it was a weapons malfunction?"
"Nah, no one would be stupid enough to fall for that!"

So yeah, they kill everyone there and then start looking for an "odd shaped one". Quickly realising that they aren't looking for some sort of vegetable that looks like a penis, they instead make do with nicking something called "Krapitron". Graal is pleased that they stole the faeces-machine, but not that they they didn't spawn camp Bond Girl until she ragequit off the server and went to post on galactic tumblr about how gaming is misogynistic because other people have better skills at Team deathmatch than her clan does.

The Jedi council meet to discuss the total pwnage handed out by Clan Spaceball against Clan Unicorn-kin, and the top head dungeon master wizard Jedi bloke, aka "Great brother", learns that not only did Bond girl chicken out, but that also the krapitron has been ninja-looted as well. Also, Clan Spaceball tagged the walls and blocked up the toilets by stuffing loads of paper down them and then shitting on top of it, as a big "fuck you" to anyone who tries to unblock them.

In the grim darkness of the far future, all furniture comes from Ikea.

As it turns out, the krapitron is actually some sort of mutagen, which has horrid side effects on humans if they are exposed to it, and it was Bond Girl who had been working on it, discovering its horrid side effects which led to the mad scientist, Dr. Kraspin, being locked up in a looney bin. Now that Graal has it, he will probably use it for some nefarious reason, or he might just keep it n a display shelf along with his collection of Disneys 'The Black Hole' action figures..who knows?...certainly not me but I'm sure that the plot will thicken before long.

All while this is going off, Bond Girl is sat playing space chess with Tom-Tom, which isn't even his real name. Tom-Tom explains that his real name means "ocean of knowledge" in some unpronounceable language and that hes from "many eons away"(but he can get back in less than 12 parsecs), but doesn't mind being called Tom-tom, he then makes a winning move at space chess and teabags Bond Girl, she ragequits because that's her second pwnage of the day.

"Can we play CoD instead?"

Great Brother tasks Nick, a hotshot space pilot, with the task of finding Bond Girl so she can tell him about the krapitron and stop Graal from collecting action figures.

"Use the Force Nick!"
"The Force?"
"Yeah, Force Graal to stop being such a dickhead, by killing him"
"Ahhh, I'm with you now, but i thought we were all peaceful an shit"
"Fuck that, we are gonna go on their server and kick their asses"
"lets raid, kekekekekekekekekeke!"

So, after a short muzakky interlude, we are introduced to our second male lead, Jaws, who now sports a big beard. Jaws is on his way in the Century Pigeon (TM) to Metropolis, but for some reason is not able to contact their spaceport to ask for landing permission...

"I lost my heart to a StarShip Trooper..."

Oh yeah, he also has a sidekick, named "Kip"....


Hopefully the cute robot dog will help to sell shit tons of "Humanoid" action figures an shit..
So anyways, Jaws tries to figure out whats going off, firstly by smashing his radio, and then by saying that they will probably end up in suspended animation, a bit like Buck Rogers.

The Century Pigeon(TM) encounters what Jaws identifies ad an old command ship, and decides to follow it...

 "I sense no danger here"

 Back on Earth, the plot is moved along slightly by Nick giving Bond Girl a good grilling about the Krapitron and Dr. Krisppacket, however as she spills her guts, she notices Tom-Tom has disappeared, a few seconds of searching finds the odd boy stood outside talking to two odd looking men..


After he comes back in, Nick asks Tom-Tom to show him on the doll where the nasty men touched him, but Tom-Tom says the men didn't want anything, and didn't even offer him any sweets or the chance to go see some puppies.

In space, the cheese slice approaches the planet Nixon, where we are introduced to the final baddie of this film, played by Barbara Bach...

"I look like a dick, why do I love money so much?"
 This is Lady Agatha, who is definitely evil because we are treated to a scene in which a woman is stripped naked (being as this is an Italian film, we get to see tits) and has her bodily fluids drained so the Dr. Krisppacket can make a youth serum for her, which she has to take on a daily basis otherwise her breasts might start to sag.
Grall arrives and is surprised by how badass the base is on planet Nixon, then Krisppacket outlines the plan for conquering Metropolis.
As Metropolis has a shit load of nuclear weapons at its disposal, Krisppacket intends to use the Krapitron to create and army of Humanoids, indestructable human "rowbits". He also explains that he wants Bond girl dead because it was her fault that he was locked up in a looney bin.
Krisppacket then retires to his evil lab, where he unpacks the krapitron and starts preparing to test it, but then, the monitor screen lights up as the Century Pigeon (TM) enters orbit, and Krisppacket decides that Jaws will make a perfect test subject for Humanoidisation! (what, he is going to cure his acromegaly?).

"Aww man, I hope I don't get caught using headshot cheats"
 To this end, he turns the bass up on his mid 70s mixing desk, which causes the Century Pigeon(TM) to begin spinning out of control,crash landing in a lake and submerging just enough so that the producers didn't have to pay for a full scale mock up of a futuristic spaceship!

 "I've got a bad feeling about this...."
"Fucks sakes, I knew I shouldn't have let my AA breakdown cover lapse"
 Krisppacket skypes Graal and Agatha to inform them he is about to create the first Humanoid, Graal hides his anger, as the intrusion totes cockblocked him.
Light blue touch paper and stand well back
Krisppacket explains that using less than a gram of krapitron in the warhead of a rocket, he can mutate Jaws into a Humanoid killing machine. Graal reminds him that if he should fail, he will get very angry and ban him from the server for a week, but Krisppacket assures him that he knows what he is doing, and that the results will be viewable immediately after the rocket explodes.
Jaws has gone back to the Century Pigeon (TM) to get a distress beacon, as he doesnt have a fucking clue where he is, but, disaster strikes as Krisppackets rocket finds its target...

No bodies of water were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

 "GRRRAAAGHHH!, Jaws no like having a bath!"

Dr. Krisppacket is overjoyed that his plan worked, as are Graal and Agatha, but, what is the deadly power of krapitron you may ask?, well, behold the hideous mutation...

Yes, that's right, krapitron has the power to render testosterone filled men totally BEARDLESS!!!!!, and this sudden loss of mojo also makes them unable to speak except in a series of grunts, and makes them walk funny (probably because it shrinks their nads).
Kip is terrified of his owners sudden beardlessness, but follows him as he begins shuffling his way across the desert, but, O-HO!, he is attacked by a group of spaceballs.

These spaceballs prove no match for him though, as he is suddenly immune to their laser guns and proceeds to backhand slap and throw them all over the place. This brawl is quickly brought to an end when Krisppacket reveals that Humanoids can be brought under control by a special gas which renders them unconscious, so Jaws is brought down and fetched to the lab, where phase two of the plan begins.
"Anyone got a tissue?"
You see, mindless killing machines aren't much use if you leave them to their own devices, so Krisppacket has invented a way of controlling them by implanting a capsule of mucus into their foreheads, which will allow them to control Jaws and get him to do something productive with his new super powers.
"So, he will now do anything we tell him?"
"Get him to show us his wiener!"
 It is decided that to fully test his powers, Jaws will be dropped on to Metropolis,where he is to hunt down and kill Great Brother-Kenobi, as this will make the people of Metropolis weak.
Krisppacket informs Graal that a full sized krapitron weapon will be ready in about a week, so if this test goes according to plan, they can use the proper weapon to attack Metropolis and turn all its inhabitants into mindless killing machines....MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

In a reuse of the footage from earlier, a shuttle is sent down to drop Jaws off outside the city...
Jaws wakes up and makes his way to the city, where he effortlessly punches out wave after wave of gold suited security guards, whose puny lasers simply bounce off of his super powered body.
Nick, now the captain of the guard, realising that he will probably end up dead if he hangs around to fight, runs inside the counsel building and pleads with Great Brother-Kenobi to escape and take him with him, Which he does, leaving all the men of the guard to die horribly...
In the grim darkness of the far future, Jehovas witnesses still wont take "No" for an answer.
 Finding the his target has fled, Jaws then goes outside and steals a space car to give chase, as Krisppacket informs him via mucus radio that they have gone back to the science lab place where they got pwn3d before...
"Atomic batteries to power....turbines to speed..."

Nick informs the assembled Jedi counsel and Bond girl that none of their weapons were effective against Jaws, even though he didn't really stick around long enough to see much of the battle, but hey, he is the "hero" of this film, so it doesn't matter if he consigned dozens of goldsuits to their deaths.
Bond girl deduces that such a thing could only be the work of the fiendish Dr. Krisppacket.
"So Nick, you kinda fucked up and disgraced yourself there didn't you?"
Nick is given the chance to redeem himself as by helping defend the base when a red alert is called as Jaws approaches.
"I hear this guy is ranked #1 on the server"
"Just make sure you pick the right perks and don't spray"
"We gonna 'nade him to death?"
"Fuck yeah!, who needs l337 skillz when you have n0ob cho0bz"
 Alas, the outcome is inevitable......

 "Yeeeahhh, take that you R/tard!"
"ZOMG!, turrets are for n0obz!"

"UR totally h@xXing j0o fagort!"
"Get the admins to kick/ban him"
"Nick, you're a dismal failure, I just wanted you to know that before Jaws rips us limb from limb"
 Clan goldsuit doesn't last very long against the might of Jaws, but, Nick comes up with one last ditch plan. He shows Brother-Kenobi a hydraulic press, into which he places a ball of "Krytpton metal". He explains that although krypton metal is the strongest metal known to man, the press is stronger, which he demonstrates by dropping the press and turning the ball into a silver pizza.
Jaws breaks into the building and finds Brother-Kenobi waiting for him in a corridor, Krisppacket gives the order to kill, and Jaws advances into the carefully lain and not at all obvious trap..

"Nick, is there anything you ARE good at?"
"Why don't you give 'being killed' a try, you might find your niche there"

"So long Captain Idiot, can't say you'll be missed"
Lady luck smiles on our inept hero though, as Dr. Krisppacket suddenly realises that Bond Girl will be there, and, indulging in his quest for vengeance, changes the primary attack target to her.
"she will pay for not allowing me access to her vajin!"

In space, Graals ship holds orbit as the planet below is still under red alert, but, confident in his impending victory, he sends down another drop ship full of spaceballs to keep an eye on Jaws and to attack on his command.
Meanwhile, Bond girl and Tom-Tom are trying to figure out a way to stop Jaws..
 "What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to find a copy of punkbuster and install
"Good plan, lets see if it works"
"It probably will, being as Nick didnt think of it"
"ooooh, saucer of blue milk, table two"
"Hello, I just wondered if you had ever given any thought to the spiritual direction your life is taking?"
"Sorry m8, we don't go for all that woo-woo bullshit, do we Tom-Tom?"
"leave me out of this"
 Jaws busts in, well, more like, just walks in being as the door was left unlocked, and chases Bond girl around the house, including having he jump into a tub full of water for some reason. But, like so many young women being pursued by a gigantic killing machine in films before and since, she finds out that running in circles around a house does nothing, and, inevitably..

"You will convert to the dark side!"
"No!, I disagree with Islam on many fundamental levels, its core belief system is totally incompatible with our culture!"
"Its fucking nazis like you that perpetuate racism in this galaxy!"
"Why, what race are muslims like?"
Bond girl is in luck though, as Tom-Tom spent some time as a cult deprogrammer, and uses his mystical words to calm the angry Jaws...
"Strike a pose, there's nothing to it..Vogue...."

"Am I doing it right?"
"Close enough, you'll get it right in time"
"Praise Madonna!"
"Yes...yes thats good"
"Suddenly I want to blow up the White House"
"No, no, you don't, that's the Dark side talking"
"So, will you teach me the ways of the Force, master?"
"Yes, now repeat after me...Praise Kek!"
"Good, you're learning"

Meanwhile, Bond girl managed to escape, leaving the young boy at the mercy of a deranged psychokiller, and is now running around in the desert trying to find help.

She finds help alright....

Once again though, her fine ass is saved by Tom-Tom, with help from his strange friends...
 "Execute Order 66!"

 "Roger roger"
"Aww no fair, hes not allowed to use h@xX"
"But, I thought killing was against the Jedi code?"
"Meeeeeeh, its more of a series of guidelines than anything actually concrete"
Upon returning to the house, Tom-Tom reveals that he gave Jaws a tissue to wipe the mind control bogey off his forehead, so now Jaws is a good guy and all that. Bond girl flirts with him to further gain his trust, and actually has Jaws believing that she could go with a hideous mutant like him.
The flirtation pays off when Jaws tells them that Graal and Krisppacket are on planet Nixon, so she leave him with blue balls and hurries off to tell Nick and Brother-Kenobi.
Problem is, the spaceballs were waiting outside for her, and whisk her off in a spaceship as Tom-Tom and Jaws look on helpless....OH NOES!

Bond girl is brought before Graal and Agatha, and explains that Brother-Kenobi still lives, much to Graals displeasure, he orders Bond girl locked up and for the cheese wedge to return to planet Nixon to find out WTF went wrong with Jaws from Dr. Krisppacket.

"Ahh, Lord Graal, I recognised your foul stench when I was brought aboard" "Fuck you bitch, its hard to get a proper wash when you're stuck in this gimp suit!"
"Do you like my new haircut? its slightly less stupid than my old one"
Meanwhile back at the Jedi temple, Jaws and Tom-Tom have told Nick and Brother-Kenobi that Graal and all the other bastards are hiding out on planet Nixon.
Nick the idiot suggests an all out attack, Brother-Kenobi shoots this idea down, not because it is actually a dumb idea, but simply because Nick suggested it....
"Why are you discriminating against my ideas?"
"Because Nick, your track record in this film so far has been one of ineptitude and incompetence"
"I'm taking you to an employment tribunal for constructive dismissal you old twat!"
"Yeah, good luck with that one Nick, remember, I have a copy of this film on DVD, and your employment records going right back to when you started here as a YTS trainee sweeping the floor in the canteen"

Instead, Brother-Kenobi decides that the best plan of action is for Nick to lead a suicide commando raid on Nixon, that way, if he gets himself killed, he wont be around any longer to bring shame on the rest of them. Nick agrees and Jaws also volunteers, because he thinks Bond girl owes him at least a handjob, Tom-Tom tags along too as they set off in another ship which looks identical to the Century Pigeon (TM) but cant be being as that got blown up....definitely not a reuse of footage to save money..nahhh, gawd bless ya nahhhh.

Little did Nick know, but Brother-Kenobi had given Jaws orders to kill Nick regardless of whether the mission was successful or not.
 Graal and Agatha arrive back on planet Nixon, and Bond girl is brought before Dr. Krisppacket.
"I have you now you cockteasing bitch, you'll pay for having me sectioned!"
"You are insane!"
"No I'm not!!!, my magic vest said so!"
Before Krisppacket has the chance to act out his lustful fantasies on her, Bond girl is taken away so that Graal can find out why Jaws went rogue. Krisppacket fast talks his way out of being killed by claiming that the mind control bogey must have been damaged in the battle, but, once he has a full army of brainwashed killing machines, it is far less likely to happen. Graal accepts this bullshit and lets him get on with whatever it was he was doing.
The Century Pigeon 2 (TM) begins its final approach to planet Nixon, its crew tense and ready for action, but, as Nick is the one doing the flying, the inevitable happens...

"Whatever you do, stay behind Nick and don't let him make any major decisions"
"S.I.G Jaws"
"Ok guys, we are coming out of light"

 "Blue 1 to blue squadron, Tally ho!"

"Danger, Will Robinson"
"He came out of light speed too close to the planet, they picked us up straight away"
"Schoolboy error"

 "This is blue 2, Fox3!"

"Spectrum is red, repeat,spectrum is red!"
"no shit sherlock!, what are you planning to do about it like?"
"Er, Tom-tom, take over the controls"
"and what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to run through the back and use my uniform as a latrine"
"Yeah well while you're back there, try using the gun turret"
 Dan-dandan, Dan-dandan, DAN-DAN, DER der der der!
 "Watch this for some fancy flying...ARRRGH!"
"LOL!, n0ob"
"Hey guys, I got one!"
"Ok Nick, just don't get penisy!"
 "Blue 2 to blue leader, we are receiving a request from puple and orange squadrons to join in"
"Purple and orange?...Starbuck and Apollo are coming?"
"Lol, nah, they wouldn't be in a shit film like this"
"Holy shit, my skills are so l337 at this, maybe I've finally found something I'm actually good at"

"Tom-tom, did you tell him you had installed an auto aim hack into the ships targeting computer?"
"Shit!, you know he is going to be fucking insufferable now don't you?"
"Oh bugger, hadn't thought of that" 
 "Hey dudes, I think I got us through to the boss fight!"
"Yeah, nice going Nick, keep it up"
 "Activate our best hacks, Clan spaceball will not be humiliated by a bumbling n0ob like Nick the idiot!"
"How'd you like these space apples f@g0rt??//??1/1/1!!!1//"
"Well, we survived, thats the good news, the bad news is that we only have 10% hull integrity left and the mind control mucus has made me forget how to fly this ship, so ima just gonna wing it. Hope I make this piloting skill roll,otherwise, we are all fucked"
Wow, that was an intense action scene wasn't it?, and nothing at all like what I have ever seen in any other film of the time.
So yeah, after the intense space battle, both Nick and Tom-tom were knocked out, leaving Jaws to try and land, thankfully due to Tom-toms Jedi training, he manages it....

"Thanks for not getting us all killed Jaws!"
"Meh, 6+ on 2D6 isn't that hard of a roll to make, esp with my 'lucky bastard' modifier"
"You know by 'us', I mean me and you?"
"Lets go see if I really am lucky.."
"Is he dead Tom-tom?"
"Nope, unfortunately"
Indeed, Nick is uninjured and soon wakes up. Tom-tom tells him that Jaws managed to land the ship, but its so knackered that they're effectively stuck on planet Nixon for the forseeable future.
Suddenly, a familiar quacking sound is heard, cue the reentrance of Kip the robot dog, who just happened to be nearby when the Century Pigeon 2 (TM) crash landed. Jaws is overjoyed to see his robotic companion, and the trio set off to follow the faithful robohound to wherever it is that it is leading them to.

As it turns out, Kip leads them to Graals secret base, where they sneak in after Kip leads some inept guards away from the entrance, somehow, Nick manages not to fuck this one up.

Inside the base, Krisppacket supervises the final assembly of his doom rocket while Graal and Agatha watch. Krisppacket points out that once the rocket his Metropolis, it will turn the entire planetary population into Humanoids, which Graal can then use to conquer the galaxy. Graal is pleased with this.
 "BEHOLD!, the ultimate death rocket of incalcuable doom!"

 "As you can see, it has a long, smooth shaft, and carries within it enough power to destroy anyone, even you Lady Agatha, but that's enough discussion about my penis, the rocket is a pretty good weapon if I do say so myself"

Nick, Jaws, Tom-tom and Kip meanwhile have decided to go hunting for Bond girl, you know, instead of trying to stop the planet destroying death rocket. They make their way through a service corridor, but end up bumping into some of Graals personal guard, which allows Nick to show off his awesome melee combat skills.....

"What the fuck?"
...which, much like his other skills, end up being somewhat sub-par, as the guards manage to get the better of him and hold him at gun point, good job Jaws is still around though...

"These guys are going up in the world"
"Oh Jaws!"
"Sorry Tom-tom, couldn't resist it"
So, while the boys are busy amusing themselves with the Personal guard, Dr. Krisppacket has found a use for Bond girl, he plans to suck out her vital juices and use them in Agathas youth serum, because apparently Bond girls juices are much more powerful than anyone else', and will mean that something something something convenient plot device.

"Help me Jaws, you're my only hope!"
Dr.Krisppacket also seems to have eliminate the requirement for the harvesting subject to be stripped nude before they are put in the machine, either that or Bond girl refused to get her kit off unless they paid her a shit ton more money....they obviously didn't have enough.
 Jaws to the rescue!

Jaws and nick arrive just in time to stop the evil machine from sucking Bond girls juices. Graal, who is watching the process along with Krisppacket and Agatha in the control room orders some spaceballs in to take care of them, but alas, Nick mangaes to kill them with his laser pistol. Krisppacket cannot believe that Jaws has gone over to the heros side, because he hadn't seen Moonraker yet, but says that he can easily capture them all..
"Aww shit, who's got the vape?"
Graal, Agatha and Krisppacket flee to Graals ship, but on the way, Agatha starts to get withdrawal symptoms from the youth serum, and as taking it gives you constipation, she suddenly gets the urge to take a massive shit.
"Arrrgh, me guts!"
"Don't worry madam, there are plenty of toilets on the cheese wedge"
"They'd better not be the dirtiest toilets in the galaxy"
 Back in the suction room, Nick and Jaws manage to free Bond girl from the machine after Kip uses his car aerial tail to press a button that turns the Vape off. They all make a run for it, stopping off to fight some more spaceballs on the way before making it into the lift which takes them up to the hangar bay.

Meanwhile Graal and Krisppacket, along with a rapidly failing Agatha, stop to begin the doom rockets launch sequence, with a smug satisfaction that the lift doors are locked and nothing can stop their evil plans now.....
..yeah, Graal forgot that Jaws is a super powered killing machine, so all the bad guys promptly shit themselves before Graal gets his shit together and orders wave after wave of spaceballs into action...*cue action sequence*

 "Hey, whats that big guy doing down there?"
"Dunno, ignore him"
"But hes grabbing hold of one of the supports"
"Just ignore him"

"Told you he was up to something"
 "I think we're fucked"
"I think you're right, lets get the hell outta here"

 "OH YEEEAAAAHHH!, Rambo ain't got shit on me"
"Tom-tom, are you using your weird powers to make every shot he makes a hit?"

 "Oi!, server rules said no turrets you cheaters!"
"STFU n0ob!"

 "Don't be afraid to use your nails boys!"

 The stress of being in a thrilling action sequence takes its toll on Kip

 Oooooh, death by dogshit....nasssssstyyyyy

"Hey Bond girl, did I tell you about the space battle I was in where I smashed 200 fighters and a star destroyer single handed?"
"Did he Tom-tom?"
"He thinks he did"
"Ah, so now I know what that brown patch is on the back of his trousers"
The battle rages on, and, while Graal and Agatha make a run for it, Jaws spots that Krisppacket is making for the rocket launch platform. After disposing of some spaceballs manning a gun turret, he decides to go all Jesse Ventura on their asses...
 "Say 'ello to my lil friend!"
 "ARRRGH!, two days from retirement as well!"

"Revenge is a dish best served cold, but I'm also partial to melting some cheese on the top"
So that's one villain dealt with, now, what of the others?

 "Graal, 'ave y' got 20 creds mayyte?"
"Fuckin' smack'eds"
Graal and Agatha are still trying to escape, but unfortunately, Agatha's heroin withdrawal symptoms become too much for her, and she succumbs to the inevitable....

"remember kids, just say NO!"
...her chronic constipation gives way to terminal diarrhea, which leeches all of her bodily fluids out and leaves her a shriveled up husk in a forgotten corner.

Graal meanwhile has made it safely to the exit zone, or so he thinks...
"loooooooooooool, so long f@g0rts!, I'm still boss of this server, KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!"
You see, nobody told Graal they were playing TDM, and not Survival time trial, so while he slinks off to hide in the Cheesewedge and wait for the round to end, Nick manages to get inside also....

 "Nick, you challenge me to 1v1 DM?"
"Dude, I am going to totally pwn the shit out of yo bitch ass"
"Bring it!"



 "God dammit!, MrMiyagi totes ripped me off with those karate lessons!"
"Your kung-fu is poor Nick,you don't even own your own custom joystick, now, let me show you what someone who is really an expert at Street Fighter can do!..."
"Aww no fair, I'm just using the basic controller, I cant afford one of those custom sticks!"
"Everyone knows if you wanna be a pro gamer you should own a box full of specialised peripherals, its what makes you l337"

"Holy crap dude!"
"Yes, things have moved on a bit since IK+, don't tell me you're still gaming on Spectrum"
"Dude, retro gaming is a valid form of gaming!"

"Next thing you'll be telling me that just because you play candy crush it makes you an authority on what makes a good game"
"er, well..."
"I find your lack of taste disturbing..."

"Screw you Graal, I'm going home, where I intend to post on tumblr about how toxic masculinity like yours is making the gaming industry less inclusive to PoC and Trans gamers"
"Noooo!, no ragequittin brah, we finish this now.."

 "Did I mention there are no saves, continues or respawns on this server?"

Is this the end for our intrepid hero?

Will Batman and Robin escape the Riddlers deadly trap?

I dunno about the Batman and Robin thing, but Jaws comes to Nicks rescue, just like he has done all throughout the film...
"Agh, what the fuck?...JAWS!, you obey ME!"

"FATALITY!....Winner!...Jaws!....FLAWLESS VICTORY!"

Graal has been defeated, however as Jaws drops his gimp suit to the ground, its empty, no corpse to desecrate!. An image of Tom-tom appears in the corner, mumbles something about evil never being defeated and then vanishes, I don't think anyone heard it.
Nick picks himself up and heads back outside, where Bond girl and Kip are still fighting off hordes of spaceballs by themselves...

"So, is Graal dead then?"
"Oh, yeah, I totes kicked his ass in 1v1 bare knuckle"
"But I thought Jaws come to help you?"
"oh, er, by the time he showed up I had already, seen to him, er, oh look, an exit, lets GTFO"

Nick, Bond girl, Tom-tom and Kip make a hasty exit as the secret base collapses and shit, but they reach the surface without Jaws...

"I aint putting up with all this shit and not getting some phat lewt out of it.."

Jaws makes it out just in time with the box of krapitron, then, for some reason, he jumps off a cliff with it into a lake...

There is an explosion shortly after, and everyone mourns Jaws' bizarre suicide, but, in a twist to the tale....

..HE SURVIVES!, not only that, but the exploding box of krapitron somehow enables him to instantly grow his beard back...oh happy days!

A sailing ship that looks like it is made from crystal appears in the sky, and Tom-tom says he has to go home, back to the mystical land of Tibet, ages in the past, however he will always be with them in spirit. He boards the ship, and along with the two strange men who have been following him about for the entire film, sail into the sunset...

Coatee cha tu, yub nub!
Coatee cha tu, yah wah!
Coatee cha tu, glowah!
Allay loo ta nuv....
Allay loo ta nuv....
Allay loo ta nuv!

Jaws didn't get anywhere with Bond girl, they tried a relationship but decided to remain friends. Jaws now runs a used car dealership just outside Solihull.
Nick ended up being beaten to death by a group of youths who he caught handing around his space car. Witnesses said he said something about being the best fighter ever and saving the universe before leaping at the youths in an unprovoked attack.
Brother-Kenobi was impeached from his office as head Jedi after it emerged he had been regularly paying rent boys for sexual services. 
Kip went on to star in a TV pilot show called "Kip & Company" alongside Bond Girl.  The pilot wasn't picked up for a full series.
Rumors have surfaced that two unproduced scripts named "Graal strikes back" and "Return of the Humanoid" were doing the rounds in Hollywood at one point. The major studios confirmed this was in fact true, however the scripts ended up being thrown in the shredder alongside the script for "Mac & Me 2:- Macs revenge" and "Leonard part 7".

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