Up until recently I had successfully managed to bury the memory of watching this piece of shit one Sunday morning during the early 1990s, however a friend of mine found a clip of the films main "action" sequence on Youtube mislabelled as "Iron man 70s TV series". Me being me, it meant that I had to watch it again, just to remember why, even as a child, I fucking hated this film.
This film was made in 1977 as a pilot for a TV series that was never picked up (gee, cant think why) , and does indeed borrow the basic concept of the Iron Man comics, as in, the "hero" (ha ha!) makes a suit of armour which he then uses to lay the smackdown on some mobster types who have some sort of evil plan to do..something..probably... oh I don't fucking know....
Aaaaaanyway......lets get this over with *turns lights off*
Exo-Man - Running time 90 minutes. Dir - Richard Irving.
The version I'm watching is a TV/VHS rip, judging by the faded colour, dodgy sound synch and occasional advert breaks that have been badly edited out, or, not edited out at all in some places (this also explains why im not doing any screencaps, because they look blurred as fuck, due to the poor quality of the source material). The "film" has been released on DVD, but I really, really doubt id be able to get a copy form anywhere, I get the distinct feeling it would be one of those films that ended up gathering dust in a bargain bin somewhere until it ended up being sent to the dump and claimed as a tax write off.....
So...apparently, this film stars David Ackroyd (nope, never heard of him, and he isnt related to Dan Ackroyd either), Anne Schedeen (who?) A Martinez (er, no, doesnt ring any bells) and Jose Ferrer (ah yes, hes a fine actor, although he did hit a period from the mid 70s onwards where he was in far more shite films than good ones, this being one of them) and a whole host of other people I've never heard of before or since...mark of quality there eh?...*sigh*, fuck me...
With the introductions out of the way, lets get straight to the action....
Our hero bursts onto the screen...hes into jogging, you know, that craze that swept the colonies in the 70s before they invented aerobics..you know he must be the hero, I mean, hes wearing a trackie and everything....
Our hero tells his female companion that "today is the day, he feels it, he thinks he can take him"...er, Is this some sort of gay porn rape fantasy film?...dafuq? Hero then says "its not up to him!" when female companion questions his assertions....oh god, this is some sort of gay porn isn't it?...
Suddenly, Hero bursts into a sprint, Female companion, who is apparently called Emily, begins laughing as Hero runs up behind a young blond man wearing tight, tight shorts... oh god..I'm not sure I want to see whats about to happen....
Blonde boy suddenly breaks into a sprint, Hero matches pace and keeps up..both men run off screen together....Hero was later arrested and as it turns out..he was wanted in connection with a series of homosexual rape/murders in the area, he later was sent to the gas chamber...*Roll Credits*
No...unfortunately thats not what happened...the film continues for another 85 minutes.....
Mr. Haas will be our villain for this piece, well, I'm assuming that being as hes riding a horse and has a chauffer driven Merc at his disposal, so he must be rich, and as we all know, rich people are always evil in this type of film..no exceptions!.
So, apparently, three men have arrived from Chicago, one of whom is someone called Petes son Dominic, who has a reputation for being somewhat nervous..this wasn't part of the arrangement, we are led to believe. Apparently, the job might have to be held up until they can find a more reliable replacement for Dominic, Mr. Haas says no, so, apparently, its time to deliver "the package" ....the suspense is killing me...whats this arrangement?...when are people going to start getting killed?....what is this mystery package?....I bet there's gonna be a seriously badass action scene up next....
So, yeah, "the package" turns out to be a takeaway...delivered to these three goons, who immediately begin to tuck in, but wait!
Oooh, that takeaway, as well as delivering delicious noms in styrofoam containers, also appears to deliver firearms. Well, you do get takeaways these days that deliver booze so its not outside the realms of possibility that eventually they'd also have a nice selection of gangsta gear as well.
The takeaway box also contains plans for the "Bank of Newcastle"
Why aye the toon!.
Naw, apparently these ne'er do wells are planning a big heist, and their ordering of a takeaway was only a ruse to cover their nefarious evil plans to steal a moderately large amount of money from good old honest hard working Americans...the fiends!
*ahem*
So, as it turns out, Hero is a physics teacher. He begins by boring his class by talking about his motions, and then graduates on to telling them how he has this theory, which no one else has, that by using ultra violet radiation and some special equipment, he can tap into the natural power of things and make them move with a force of one point twenty-one jiggowatts...or something... (this is an important siunse bit...concentrate)
We get introduced to Raphael, on the days when hes not being a ninja turtle, he attends university and falls asleep in class. Hero notices this, and takes him to task for it!. Apparently, Raphaels neighbours have a dog that wont stop barking, so he cant sleep and needs money for something or other, to which Hero, who apparently is called Dr.Nick Conrad, being a nice guy and all that, says he will get for him...wow, free money for slacking off, I should go to uni...
We get to see Dr. Conrads super secret siense lab, where he does physics and makes things with his chums, we also get to meet the love interest, who is some sort of art teacher, but not a terribly good one judging by the crap drawing she does of Nicky-Boy.
So, after love interest goes, Nicky-boy and his siense chums use a machine to make a microchip of some sort, which apparently has a excellent exo-electron threshold as well as a high ultraviolet conversion rate...Nicky-boy says they should try it, and promptly immerses it in a glass of what looks like piss. Somehow, this glass of piss is what makes the magic happen, as this is one of the amazeballs devices he was talking about earlier, unfortunately, due to one of his siense chums being a bit lazy with one of the most important siense bits, namely writing things down, the invention doesn't work, and they dont even know why thanks to mr "cant be arsed to write things down".
Meanwhile, those fiends from earlier rob the Bank of Newcastle, threatening all the Geordies with their takeaway firearms, which probably smell of pizza. The security guards don't fall for it though, and a shootout begins, luckily, Nicky-boy and Raphael are in the bank, and Nicky-boy gives chase to the surviving fiend, over several blocks of the city, on foot....yeah, because all physics professors have the power of arrest. anyway, Nicky-Boy catches up and arrests the robber, who promptly threatens him..oh look, this is that Dominic we heard so much about earlier, I bet that will have no further bearing on the plot..., no, wait Mr. Haas hears the news that Dominic has been fingered by Dr. Conrad, and orders his "elimination"...oh noes!
Dr. Conrad meanwhile has gone back to the classroom, where in a very short insert scene, he passes round a piece of plastic which he says will always attempt to return to its original shape no matter what force is applied to it, and so therefore, if exposed to an electromagnetic field, for example, like what his little ultraviolet exo-electron microchips produce (this is another important plot related siense bit by the way) , then it can be made to move....indeed. back in the lab, the latest batch of microchips have failed miserably, again, the team has no idea why, so therefore concludes that the premise is unscientific and lynch Dr. Conrad for wasting their time and effort when they could have been out drinking and getting laid *Roll Credits*.....
Aww fuck, no, no they don't, they decide to have another go, although the lazy one reports that he has once again fucked up his job of making the magic piss because he put the wrong ingredients in it, Dr. Conrad immediately forgives him for wasting hundreds of dollars of university supplied chemicals and tells him to have another go, before putting on his coat and leaving, probably to go get shit faced and think about how he has completely wasted his life up to this point.
Another bizarre scene pops in here, in which Dr. Conrad gets into his car, only to find Raphael in the back seat. Raphael points out that there could be some danger, as maybe the bank robbers could put a hit or something out on him, Dr. Conrad dismisses the concerns and politely tells Raphael to fuck off, before driving off at full speed in the direction of the nearest pub...but, a laundry van ominously follows him.
Later, back at the lab, Dr. Conrad sends mr lazy out to get pizza while they finish off some more magic microchips..however, disaster strikes as mr lazy takes Dr. Conrads car, and is killed by a carbomb!!!!1!!11!!one!1!!1.
Sometime later, after hiding in his flat for a while, Dr. Conrad goes to do his washing, and the evil laundry man hits him on the arse with a metal pipe, which leads to Dr. conrad becoming paralysed from the waist down, however, even in his hospital bed he isnt safe, as the gangstas threaten his love interest Emily with being hit on the arse with a metal pipe too if Dr. Conrad testifies against Dominic...the BASTARDS!...so, even though he and Emily now both enjoy full police protection, he decides to refuse to testify in court.
Some time later, and Dr. Conrad decides to kill himself, because hes now a wheelchair bound spazzie, by rolling slowly out into the middle of a not at all busy road,but Raphael talks him out of it. Conrad goes back to his lab, where he finds that mr lazy, prior to being blown up, had managed to get the right combination of ingredients in the magic piss to make the magic microchips work..huzzah!, whats more, he remembered to write it down, so unlimited quantities can be made..and thus, Dr. Conrad puts the bad things of the past behind him and leads the world into a new age of cheap and plentiful energy sources...*Roll Credits*...
Oh, no, wait, we haven't gotten to the "Exo-man" bit yet have we?...*sigh*...and at this point, we are about 60 minutes into a 90 minute film....just let that sink in
Dr. Conrad vows revenge on the gangstas and after finding out he can use some of his magic microchips strung together and glued to a piece of that special plastic to help him walk again, he decides to build a suit of armour and become a paraplegic super hero!.
He spends weeks converting a van to act as his mobile secret superhero lair, complete with a machine that fits his armour on to him, and, after finding out where Mr. Haas, whose first name is apparently, "Kermit"...yeah... lives, hes all set for some good old fashioned vigilante justice, so, he climbs into his special armour making machine and BAM!.....he transforms into....
SUPPOSITORY MAN!
Yeeaahhhhh, so, he we are in the final 10 minutes of the film, and the Superhero of the day ends up looking like something you would shove up your arse.
Not only that, but for some reason, he can only move at a speed exceeded only by a dead one legged monkey that is chained to a concrete block, which is denoted on screen by this annoying "thud-thud" noise, which im assuming is supposed to represent his heavy footsteps, but, due to the thuds being out of synch with his actual leg movements, it gets annoying reyt quick.
Dr. Conrads first outing in his super suit, to get revenge on the guy who hit him with a pipe, ends in disaster when the battery power for it runs out, leaving him trapped inside it, unable to move and unable to breathe thanks to the butt plug helmet being airtight, however he is rescued by a homeless boy, who he manages to convince to twiddle his knob so he can become erect again (I'm not actually kidding here). Incidentally, pipe guy falls to his death while running away from captain butt plug.
Dr. Conrad comes clean to his girlfriend about his alter ego, she says she isn't surprised, she knew he was a gay serial killer all along, she said it really turned her on, but then he tells her about his other alter ego as a super hero and she fails to see the difference.
So, looking smug after a night of hot sex that he totally couldn't feel or enjoy in the slightest, Dr. Conrad straps on his dildo suit and breaks into Mr. Haas' place. Goons begin machine gunning him, but his super duper armour deflects all their heterosexual bullets.
After smashing Mr. Haas' back doors in, Captain butt plug takes a couple of books, which contain sufficient evidence for all the bad guys to be sent up the river.
Later, Dr. Conrad s approached by Detective Travis, and is asked if he can do some jobs for him in the future, because the police are well known for asking paraplegic college professors to do their work for them....
*Roll Credits....for real this time*
Yeah so, thanks to an awesome plot, brilliant acting and cutting edge special effects, this film was well received, and went on to be the longest running sci-fi superhero TV series in history.......by the way, I've just taken lots of drugs which have addled my brain....let us never speak of this again....
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