And then there's Gymkata....
1984 saw 2 things happen, both of which had a significant impact on world history..
- The 1984 Summer Olympics, held in Los Angeles. In which all of the Soviet Bloc countries (apart from Romania..the backstabbing dogs!) boycotted in response to the US led snub of their Olympic games held in the summer of 1980.Being as there weren't any commies BASTARDS at this event, the good old US of A did quite well in many areas where they normally get their asses handed to them by the reds, gymnastics being one of them.
- "The Karate Kid" hit cinemas worldwide, and sparked a renewed interest in Karate and its associated martial arts tomfoolery, the likes of which hadn't been seen since Kung-fu films went out of fashion in the late 70s.
Metro Goldwyn-Mayer Presents:-
Holy shit!, is that the grip of a massive sword?, or maybe the shaft of a vicious spear or heavy war hammer?...nope...its a pair of parallel bars, and the opening sequence, to the accompaniment of some ominous sounding double bass music tells us this is gonna be one dark ass film...
"Starring" (lol, that's the loosest use of the term I can possibly think of) Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, who shot to fame after winning the gold medal at the 1984 Olympics..oh wait, no, he didn't, he never won any Olympic medals, in fact, the only Olympics he participated in was the 1976 Olympics held in Montreal, where he didn't win any medals either (his best gymnastic achievement to date is being the first American male to win gold at the 1978 Gymnastic world championships held in Strasbourg. He won the gold for "Floor Exersize", that's the one where they do cartwheels and somersaults on a carpet and the gold goes to whoever manages to do a 5 minute routine without slipping, wobbling or tripping themselves up).
So, while the hero of this film performs a bit of work on the parallel bars, we are also treated to various cut scenes of horses ridding along some sort of beach/sandy river..
..oh no, wait, its marshland...sayyy, are those guys riding them a gang of fearless knights on their way to save someone from the clutches of evil?....
..there he is, the bastard!, geddim lads!, show him that wearing bright green trackie bottoms is an affront to all that is holy in medieval Europe...wait, what?..guys on horseback, carrying swords...in this day and age...dafuq?
Anyway, the horse riding ninjas, and their leader "poundland-Conan", chase the guy in the green trackies to what appears to be the remains of a rope bridge. Trackies proceeds to try and cross the divide by shimmying over the ropes, however....
HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET THERE???...
...oh shit..
"cant we just all get along?"
"well I'll take that as a firm 'No' then, good day to you sir!"..and with that, "Green Trackies" seemingly falls to his doom...
So, back at the gymnasium, our hero for this film completes his routine to thunderous applause, but, as he runs back from the performance area, he notices someone in the crowd is eyeing him up...
Alas,no, nothing so mundane. As it turns out, "Green Trackies" is in fact "Gymnastic guys" dad, not only that, but "Green Trackies" was also a super duper double top secret ninja commando agent for the SIA.....no, not the Security Industry Authority, the "Secret Intelligence Agency" (you know, I really hope that somewhere in the CIA archives is a letter, penned by someone important, that specifically forbids the makers of this film from using the acronym CIA, or associating them with this film in any fashion...cuz that would be the ultra-lulz).
Yeah, so agent bad-hair informs Gymnastic-guy that he is about to embark on a two month training program that will make his Olympic training seem like finger painting, with some assistance from...
Bad-hair then shows Gymnastics-guy some pictures of what appear to be some people at a medieval re-enactment event..oh no wait, they're inhabitants of a country called "Parmistan", a small mountain country on the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan, one of the pics is of Budget-Conan (Booo!, Hiss!) whose proper name is "Zamir", who apparently intends to overthrow the rulers of Parmistan and "sell the country to the other side" (he means the Russians).Bad-hair goes on to explain that normally, Team America (fuck yeah!) wouldn't give 2 fucks about a backward little shithole like Parmistan, except for the fact that its location would be reyt good for a satellite tracking station, one which could be used to detect and destroy the evil communist nuclear missiles, so that Team America can attack back with their own good and virtuous nuclear missiles, which would definitely be a good thing, gawd bless ya it would.
*ahem*
so, Gymnastics-guy asks what his part in all this spy shenannigans is, and Bad-hair explains that once a year, the country of Parmistan forces all foreigners within its borders to participate in "The Game".
As it turns out, "The Game" is basically a free for all where foreigners have the choice of running for their lives, or getting brutally murdered, cos, you know, that's what happens in all countries other than America (fuck yeah!).
Gymnastics-guy asks why Team America doesn't just send in a large, heavy handed military force to kick the yokels into touch, but Bad-hair replies that direct action isn't currently fashionable, so therefore, Gymnastics-guy will have to enter Parmistan and win this years Game, which if he does, he will be allowed to live, and will get one wish, that wish, Bad-hair says, will be to demand that the ruler of Parmistan allow Team America to turn Parmistan into a primary target for Soviet nuclear weapons by allowing them to build the tracking station there...oh, and just to sweeten the deal, Bad-hair reveals that no foreigner has won "The Game" in over 900 years...and that Gymnastics-guys Dad was there on the SIAs behalf to compete in the game, but got horribly killed because they sent him on mission without actually briefing him on what to expect...
Gymnastics-guy scoffs at this plan, says its the dumbest thing he has ever heard and tells Bad-hair to go fuck himself before grabbing his coat and leaving...*roll credits*
No, sorry, wishful thinking there, no, in fact Gymnastics-guy, overcome with patriotism, and wanting to get revenge for the alleged murder of Trackie-Dad by Budget-Conan, whole heartedly agrees..because hes an idiot.
We then get introduced to princess RuPaul..
Gymnastic-Guy assumes because shes foreign and he's American, she will therefore find him overwhelmingly attractive, oops, you wrong there boy!..
...So, we are then treated to a montage of "Training scenes", in which Gymnastics-guy shows chubby Bruce Lee he can climb stairs while walking on his hands (not sure how useful that's gonna be when you have a load of pitch fork wielding yokels chasing after you...) , and engages in Karate fights with Budget Mr.T, all while Mistress RuPaul watches him from a window, and occasionally threatens him with a knife....
Soon enough, the two month training is over, and its time that Gymnastics-Guy got off to Parmistan to get himself killed for the good of Democracy!, its also round about this time that Mistress RuPaul stops threatening him with a knife, mind you, who wouldn't when confronted with this every morning?....
(Readers should note: At this point we are only 11 minutes into the actual film..just let that sink in a little...)
*Ahem*...Anywayyyy...
Bad-Hair explains that Gymnastics-Guy will be taken to the border town of "Caramel", from there he will be met by Colonel Mackrel, who will supply him with some super duper secret spy gadgets for him to
Gymnastics-Guy arrives in Caramel, and is met by Colonel Mackrel, known as "The Stork"...
"..and they call you The Stork because?"
"Because fuck you that's why!, also the dickheads that own this boat spelt 'Mediterranean' wrong, god I hate this country, full of fuckwits and inbred morons..Afternoon Princess RuPaul, are you glad to be back home?"
Mackrel supplies Gymnastics-Guy with a magic axe that can cut any metal, and a knife that can shoot a blade out..that's because guns aren't allowed in Parmistan, you know, because they're backward and all that and they think gunpowder is some sort of evil sorcery...heh heh, dem whacky foreigners!.
So, Gymnastics-Guy and Princess RuPaul nip into the town to take in a few sights, accompanied by two SIA agents.
Things soon go awry though, when this happens...
So, Gymnastics-Guy takes off in hot pursuit of the man carrying a longbow, alas though, he runs into a bit of trouble...
Ah-ha!, theres more though, two more guys pop up out of nowhere and grab our hero, so he responds by....
I'm not quite sure how to interpret this scene..oh I know!, the guys he was fighting were actually an SIA anti-communist unit, and they mistook our heroes smart red jumper as a sign that he was planning to defect to the Soviet Union, so they decided to teach him a lesson in whose political philosophy was the correct one...
..by murdering the other SIA bodyguard and kidnapping Princess RuPaul..THE FIENDS!...Gymnastics-Guy returns to Colonel Mackrel and reports the bad news...
Gymnastics-Guy - "Not for long, because when I grow up, I'm going to kill him!"
Mackrel - "Son, the only thing you can kill is my uncontrollable lust for having sexual congress with short blonde boys who wear red jumpers and who try to combine gymnastics with karate and expect it to actually be a good form of martial arts")
Gymnastics-Guy decides he will rescue his mistress, even though Mackrel warns him that she is likely being held in a fortified building in the heart of the city..Gymnastics-Guy, driven by a sense of honour, and the fact that he hasn't had his jimmy whacked since he set foot in Asia, ignores these warnings...
Shit..they Really don't like red jumpers round these parts do they?...oh well, time for "Plan B"...
No!, not that Plan B, although he does look like hes more capable of dealing with these assholes than our hero, I meant this "Plan B"..
..oh look, is that a parallel bar that looks like it has been recently affixed to that wall..wait, hes not gonna..aww shit son.....
"Humphrey J Gymnastics-Guy!, get down from there at once!, you're making an idiot of yourself!"
"But muuuuuuuuuum!"
*WHACK!*...*BIFF!*...*EE-YOW!*..*KER-UNCH!*
With the bad guys dealt with and only 22 minutes into the film, Gymnastics-Guy heads back to the fortress of evil, which is now pretty much totally unguarded being as he just used the monkey bars to kick their heads in (literally!).
So after Princess RuPaul rescues herself, she joins up with Gymnastics-Guy and they make a run for it, chased by some dudes who also have "special cooking utensils" that look a lot like WW2 surplus MP40 sub-machine guns. the chase quickly ends when the bad guys manage to crash the car they are driving....
Meanwhile back at super secret spy HQ...
No, Mackrel invites them inside, Gymnastics-Guy fills him in on the fact that the bad guys were waiting to ambush him...and as it turns out, Mackrel is a TRAAAAIIITTOOORRRRR!!!!
"Nuthin'"
"Oh, thats cool"
So, with this bit of the story wrapped up, and several bad guys killed..its time to move on to the real story...oh yeah, it turns out the bad guys werent objecting to our heroes choice of clothing, they were actually in league with Budget-Conan...so for now, the red jumper of justice is safe!..hurrah!...
(at this point we are 31 minutes into the film...)
Gymnastics-Guy - "But babe, I thought you said you liked adventure holidays"
Princess - "Fuck you asshole, fuck you and your red jumper!"
Gymnastics-Guy - "Hey bitch, don't diss the red jumper, last guys that did that, they done ended up dead..."
So, finally our hero makes it to where "The Game" is to be held, only to find a gaggle of horse riding ninjas waiting for them!
Our hero awakens to find himself being looked after by what Americans think a sterotypical english woman looks like..
Its then when our hero first comes face to face with Budget-Conan, who basically does the whole comic book villain thing by being overly hospitable, but with menacing undertones!..oooh!. Simply put, he will meet the ruler of the country, then have dinner, then he will have to start running for his life, oh, and RuPaul is back with her father. It is then implied that our hero has sexy time with his black toothed serving wench (I'm guessing this was another scene which ended up on the cutting room floor)
When our hero meets the king, the rules are explained...the players, all seven of them, have to complete a series of obstacles whilst traversing some really rough terrain, which will probably lead them to a horrible death..after they have done that, they must then get through "The village of the damned", which will probably lead to a horrible death..then after they've done that, all that lies twixt them and the finishing line is a 5 mile run through "the swamp of ultra murder-death-kill" (i made that name up)...all hail the wise and benevolent king!
To show his people he can be merciful, he allows three prisoners under sentence of death to try the "Game" course, with the winner being set free..
Of course, being only mere prisoners, they are soon hunted down and killed by the Kings ninjas...
At the great feat that night, the contestants are entertained by some traditional Parmistanian diversions, such as guys sticking needles into themselves, and ninjas hitting each other with butterfly nets...riveting stuff...
The contestants discuss the "Village of the damned", which as it turns out, is where the king exiles all the people who are criminally insane, oh, and they are all cannibals...The king then announces princess RuPaul is to marry Budget-Conan...this pisses our hero right off, so much so that he foregoes another sexy time session with his serving wench and orders her at knife point to take him to number one prostitute in all a Parmistan, Princess RuPaul!..the serving wench being number two prostitute..
He tries to convince her to escape with him, but she refuses, as she has learned of his sexy time with number two prostitute and demands he prove he has not caught cheesy-dip by competing in the Game, oh, and also if they escape it means that the rules of the game will be ignored in favour of a full on hardcore manhunt, which will probably result in a horrible death for both of them....
The Game begins the following morning, and Gymnastics-guy manages to slip and fall mere feet from the starting line..he is then crudely hacked to death by the kings ninjas...RuPaul screams...*roll credits*... no, wait, there goes my furtive imagination again...no, he gets up, dusts himself off and starts running...*sigh*....BUT WAIT!..Budget-Conan, who is angry that Gymnastics-Guy is wanting in on his fanny action, decides to defy the kings orders and sets off to pursue the contestants before the king gives permission!, naughty boy!
(we are now 50 minutes into the film...and the real action is only just beginning!)The contestants reach the first major obstacle, The Rope Climb Up The Cliffs of DOOOOM! (i made that name up). Gymnastics-Guy, using his awesome leg flailing rope climbing technique, manages ot make it, one of the other contestants..well, he doesn't fare too well..
Yeah, two arrows up the arse isn't usually the mark of a winner..RIP contestant #1...whom henceforth shall be called "Herbert".
Not content with killing Herbert, Budget-Conan sets Gymnastics-Guys rope on fire, from the bottom, and then watches as the flame slowly climbs up the rope as our hero frantically flails his legs, but, thankfully, our hero escapes, although he finally realises how corrupt the game is when the ninja-judge at the top of the cliff refuses to kill Budget-Conan for breaking the clearly defined but somewhat vague rules....asshole!
Gymnastics-Guy runs through some woods, and meets another contestant who, despite supposedly being a world class ninja commando athlete hard man, has pulled a muscle in his leg..the ninjas move in and...
..RIP contestant #2, whom I shall call "Roderick"..he got shafted..huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh...ah well...
The contestants then reach the "Gorge of eternal darkness", and begin shimmying across on the ropes..all except this guy..
He got cut off in his prime....huhuhuhuhuhuhuh, RIP contestant #3, whom I have named "Wilbur"...
Gymnastics-Guy arrives next, but just as he nears the other side, Budget-Conan cuts his rope....our hero falls screaming to his death, smashed into a bloody pulp on the rocks below...*roll credits*... aww shit, no, he escapes this one as well, and manages to use his gymnastic skills to outwit the sword wielding ninja who is waiting to dish out a "Wilbur special" at the other end, instead sending him screaming to his death, smashed to a bloody pulp on the rocks below...
Out in front, the leading competitor, a Chinese looking guy I've named "Keith", for some unknown reason decides to stop and engage in a fist fight with the second place competitor, a rather large muscly man whom I have named "Bert". Keith and Bert exchange karate moves, however things dont bode well for Keith, as Bert proves to be superior at fisticuffs, and then decides to strangle poor Keith with his belt..
RIP Keith, you wanted to be the best, but you couldn't defeat the rest, oooh!, dedications what you needed..you coulda been a record breakerrrrrrr..yeaaaahhhhhhh-ah!.
Gymnastics-Guy follows Bert up a steep hill and further into the woods, however Bert, the cunning devil, is laying in wait for our hero, and ambushes him!..the BASTARD!.
In the ensuing fistfight, our hero triumphantly rips Berts cardigan...however, things don't go too well for Bert this time, as our hero uses his super gymnastic hearing skill to sense a ninja sneaking up on them, and promptly dodges an arrow, which hits Bert in the chest..
RIP Bert, you lovable backstabbing cunt you!.
Gymnastics-Guy forges on deeper into the woods, but finds Budget-Conan waiting for him, with a group of ninja archers!, thankfully, once again our heroes gymnastic hearing skill allows him to dodge into cover at just the right moment to ensure his internal organs aren't rudely penetrated by a hail of arrows! (yeah, its a little known fact that after about 10 years or so of gymnastics lessons, each gymnastics teacher sends one pupil for "special training". Sometimes this special training can end up with you being molested, however sometimes, the more reputable teachers will not use the training sessions as an excuse for sodomy and will actually teach you how to do gymnastic hearing, although it only seems to work when you have white Arabic ninjas firing arrows at you in the woods...still, useful skill to put on your CV I suppose).
Yes, no one can stop our hero from being reunited with his red jumper!...well, maybe except for the village of the insane flesh eating lunatics that is!...(I absolutely adore the word "Lunatic", nobody uses it any more and that is a crying shame)
With only three contestants remaining, the Game nears the end of its first day, and our hero makes it safely to "The Village of the misunderstood people who suffer from a different, but no less valid, moral compass who actively choose to manifest this by engaging in cannibalism"...
..wait..is that a goat?...is there no depths of depravity these lunatics (yay!, i got to use it twice) wont sink to?..also, that water pump looks suspiciously like a pommell horse...agh!, thats just me being over sensitive, I'll wager it will have absolutely no bearing on the story from here on in...
Anyway, our hero heroically marches on through the village, which seems quite nice actually, if you ignore the booby trapped door that makes a grid of spikes fall down on anyone who approaches it, and the people who hang around looking creepy, and the guy who is ominously sharpening a HUGE FUCKING SCYTHE...anyway, soon enough, Gymnastics-Guy runs into a rather confused looking man, who appears to be wanting to show him his new sickle, our hero, who has obviously never heard of the concept of "Care in the community", stands by and idly watches while the confused man accidentally chops off one of his own hands with the sickle...at no point did our hero intervene and inform the man it was dangerous to use sharp objects without proper PPE, what an absolute cunt, my respect for him is dropping by the minute!...
Our so called "hero" then rounds a corner to find a stray dog drinking from what appears to be a spilled pool of cherryade..
Ooops!, RIP contestant #5 ("Binky"), maybe next time you'll learn how unsafe it is to run whilst carrying sharp objects!
Gymnastics-Guy then runs into the village chapter of the Women's institute...
Just then, the local vicar drops in (literally), and tries to make our hero feel better by giving him a hug from Jesus..
..But no, our hero doesn't have time to worry about his eternal soul, and conveys his displeasure, by kicking the vicar in the cloisters... (seriously, all these people have done since he came to their town is be nice to him, and he keeps being violent, its leading me to wonder who exactly is the lunatic here...3 times :D ).
Our hero keeps exploring, and runs into an old friend...
Bert - "Me?,aww no bruv, although I have had better days"
Gymnastics-Guy - "After we've finished here do ya wanna nip down the pub and sink a coupla jars and shoot a few racks of pool?"
Bert - "Oh I'd love to, but Emmerdales on for an hour tonight and the Mrs. gets a bit angsty if we don't watch it together, last time I missed an hour long Corrie she accused me of sleeping with double decker lil from down the road"
Gymnastics-Guy - "yeah, family always comes first mate, I can appreciate that, why do they call her double decker lil, if i may ask?"
Bert - "cos shes always got more room for one on top..geddit..phwooor!"
Gymnastics-Guy - "ooh, might pay her a visit if this thing twixt me and RuPaul doesn't work out"
Bert - "Well if you do, tickle her arse and see what she does!"
Gymnastics-Guy - "Oh Bert you old dog, your Mrs. was right wasn't she?"
Bert - "Me lips are sealed mate, me lips are sealed"....
So, after their touching reunion (again, i think that scene may have ended up on the cutting room floor) our hero forges on, where he finds himself being beckoned into a building by a..
By now, the locals are getting a bit ticked off with this ruffian, who has done nothing but physically assault them every time they have tried to make him feel welcome, so, a group of them decide to chase after him with their pitchforks..Bert follows, but unfortunately he slips and finds himself on the recieving end of local mob justice..
RIP (again) Bert...don't worry, youre not missing out on anything by not watching Emmerdale, oh, and also, I have been shagging your Mrs, shes not as good as double decker lil, I can see why you keep taking all these deadly missions, I think I would too if I had to live with her.
So, by now the yokels are proper pissed off, and they manage to corner our hero in the town square...where he..oh shit, I owe myself a tenner..
He then makes a run for it, with a, now completely livid, mob chasing after him...they corner him and begin stabbing relentlessly, blood squirts out and the screen turns red...*credits roll*...DAMMIT I'M DOING IT AGAIN....*sigh*...
no, he manages to evade them and finds a narrow passage that he can climb up, in theory allowing him to climb over the wall which surrounds the town and escape to freedom, but just as he begins making headway, one of the kings ninjas appears......
.....and pulls him to safety.......DAFUQ?...so, the message here is that its ok to just turn up in a quiet little village, beat up the locals and destroy their property...what kind of fucked up country is this??
Anyway, as it turns out, the ninja is in fact, TRACKIE-DAD!....
Yes, he explains that, like Bert, being shot by an arrow at close range didn't kill him, neither did the fall on to the rocks below leave him smashed to a bloody pulp, although he did lose his marvellous green trackie bottoms somewhere along the line, and the use of his left arm...hes more pissed off about losing his trackies.
Back at the Palace, RuPaul tells the king that Budget-Conan is evil, and has built an army of white ninjas, loyal only to him, so that one day he can seize power and then sell the country to those evil commie bastards in the Soviet Union, who will then turn their country into a primary target for a nuclear weapons strike by building a satellite tracking station there. She insists that it is much better to allow the American to win the game, so he can ask for the king to allow Team America to turn their country into a primary target by building a satellite tracking station there instead!...she vows to help Gymnastics-Guy win, by any means necessary, which somehow involves her stripping down to her underwear right then and there....in front of her father...er, Ok...
We havent seen Budget-Conan for a while, so it comes as somewhat a surprise when he suddenly pops up and puts an arrow in Trackie-Dads back..again...
(We are now at the 1 hour 22 minute mark..not much longer to go now..I promise..)
This is the final straw for our hero, who leaves his seriously wounded father where he was and takes off on a horse he stole from an unaware ninja. Budget-Conan and his ninjas give chase, but when they come to a gorge, only Budget-Conans horse will jump, meaning it becomes a one on one fight to the death..oh YEAH!....
Initially, Budget-Conan cheats by using a sword, but then he loses it due to bad dubbing, and it comes down to fisticuffs.
At first, Gymnastics-Guys puny karate punches and kicks are no match for Budget-Conans cut price muscles, but then our hero spots an area of open ground, and begins doing back flips, cartwheels and somersaults, all of which have a devastating effect on the low priced bad guy, and eventually, he dies as he lived...
....with his head crushed between a younger mans powerful but smooth thighs.....
Back at the palace, RuPaul and the king begin killing their own palace guard, before then rushing out into the street and ordering the general public to begin slaughtering the traitorous elite ninja commando army, which they do.
As the violence ends, a messenger rushes up and reports that someone is coming...and yep, its Gymnastics-Guy, with his half dead Trackie-Dad in tow...there is much rejoicing..
...........................................................................................................................................................
"Trackie-Dad made a full recovery, although he never found his green trackie bottoms...he died at the age of 89 in a pool of his own faeces"
"The King lived for another 4 years, until the SIA decided he was a liability and quietly had him assassinated"
"Contestant #6 was never found, it is assumed that no one gave 2 fucks about him and he died of exposure"
"Shortly after Gymnastics-Guys triumphant return, the King received a strong letter of complaint about a ruffian who had invaded the Care in the Community village and caused much injury and harm to the inhabitants...the king, in his merciful wisdom, had the village burnt to the ground and the inhabitants crucified"
"Gymnastics-Guy never did find a use for the magic axe or the knife that shot a blade out, he found them years later in a box in his attic marked 'mementos'...he later sold them on E-bay and made a tidy profit"
"Gymnastics-Guy never got round to visiting double decker lil either...although I did, and I tickled her arse..wasn't as good a response as I was expecting to be honest...I'd say shes somewhat over rated to be honest, still, it wasn't a bad way to kill a Wednesday afternoon."
*Roll Credits*
Yes, for real this time...
"Terrible"??!!??...
THATS A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT...FUCKING WANKERS!
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