Serial offender - The Girl From Tomorrow/Tomorrows End (1990 & 1993)

Another delve into the mysterious and murky world of childrens TV serials finds me once again washed up on the shores of Australia for another sci-fi outing, this time with hints of time travel and environmentalism....

Produced by Film Australia (one of the writers went on to create "Spellbinder"), "The Girl From Tomorrow" was one of the numerous TV series created by Australian TV networks in the 1990s, most of which ended up being shown on CBBC (as in the case of this one) or less frequently CITV and Channel 4. An odd thing I found out about this series is that the premise is actually based on a Soviet TV series called "Guest from the future" (Гостья из будущего) which aired on Russian television in 1984.

The show begins in the year 3000, most of the Earth is uninhabited due to a disaster which occurred in the year 2500, which led to the entire northern hemisphere being rendered an uninhabitable wasteland.
Alana is a 15 year old girl who was born on Titan (by the year 3000, the moon, Mars and some of Jupiters moons have been colonised, with Venus in the process of being terraformed), but whose parents sent her to Earth to get an education. While on Earth, which is now a veritable ecological paradise, she becomes close to Tulista, one of her teachers who instructs her in the use of the "transducer", a device which resembles a headband and acts as a brain amplifer, allowing the user to manipulate objects by thought alone. Alana hopes to become a healer (I love how when trying to be exotic, programs like to replace the word "doctor" with "healer" to make it sound less scientific and more cuddly) and the transducer can be used as a healing device, however, as Alana finds out in the opening sequence of the first episode, if someone uses a transducer isn't able to concentrate or control their emotions, the transducer can be a pretty destructive weapon.
One of the leading scientists in the year 3000, Bruno, has invented a time machine, and Tulista, being a historian amongst other things, has been chosen to travel back in time to the year 2500 in order to try and find out the exact nature of "The Great Disaster", which they hope will enable them to make better progress in rebuilding the northern hemisphere, this causes much concern for Alana who believes that time travel is dangerous, and Tulista will be killed, so, she smuggles herself into the "Science Dome" just in time to see the time machine vanish into the past.
The machine returns almost as soon as it left, although 28 days have passed from Tulistas point of view (relativity is awesome innit?), but Tulista has an unwelcome guest with her in the shape of Silverthorn, an all round ne'er do well from the year 2500, who immediately proceeds to threaten everyone in the science lab with his laser pistol, but soon goes off the idea of being their overlord when one of the scientists demonstrates the incorrect use of a transducer. Silverthorn, realising he isn't going to be welcome in the future, decides instead to try the past, and, grabbing Alana as a replacement hostage, he sets the time machine going again and transports himself and Alana back to the year 1990.


Once there, Alana experiences culture shock as she escapes the time capsule (which materialises in a rubbish dump) and wanders dazed and confused through the local town, before she eventually meets up with Jenny Kelly, a typical 90s teenager with strange coloured hair and a penchant for being rebellious.


The remainder of the series sees Alana try to find the time capsule and return home before the 28 day time limit causes it to go without her, all whilst trying to avoid the machinations of Silverthorn, who is doing surprisingly well for himself due to his abuse of the Time capsules databanks which allow him to make money by knowing about things before they happen.

(This series was filmed in 1991, however it didn't air until 1993)


Following on from the end of the first series, "Tomorrows End" sees Alana return to her home time, however Jenny has to go with her, as does Silverthorn, both of whom sustained injuries which only the advanced science of the future can heal. After a month living in the future, it is decided that both Jenny and Silverthorn must be returned home, as their presence in the future has somehow altered the past. While Jenny has fully recovered from her injuries, Silverthorn claims to be suffering from total amnesia, however this is just a ploy to gain peoples trust, which allows him to steal Bruno's plans for an upgraded version of the time capsule, a time portal.
Jenny is returned to 1990 without incident, however when Silverthorn is returned to 2500 (which is shown to be an over populated, polluted post industrial wasteland), he tries to steal the time capsule again, but Alana and Brunos new assistant Lorien escape and travel back to 3000, however when they exit the time capsule, they find the future Earth has been totally destroyed. Quickly deducing that Silverthorn must have done something to alter the future, they return to the past, only for things to go horribly wrong as Lorien is captured and turned into a mindless slave for "Globecorp" (a megacorporation that owns everything on Earth) and it turns out Silverthorn has been using the time portal to bring items from the past into the future, including some nuclear weapons (all weapons, short of personal weapons, have been banned by Globecorp, being as countries blowing each other up is bad for business) which are then used by Globecorps director of operations on Earth, a megalomaniac called Draco, in an evil scheme to take control of Earth away from the board of directors who live in opulent luxury on the moon, while everyone planetside is left to slowly starve or be poisoned to death.




A third series was planned, but was never filmed as funding was not made available, being as the series' special effects budget was quite high, plus the two main actresses were getting too old to convincingly play teenaged children.
There is a strong environmental theme running through the show, although this was common in the early 90s, what with the hole in the ozone layer being discovered and concern mounting over depletion of natural resources etc.
The series does make attempts to be funny on occasion, most of which are successful, albeit cringeworthy in places, such as Alana becoming all giggly after consuming a chocolate eclair, having never been exposed to processed sugars before, which leads to Jenny being embarrassed whilst trying to ask a boy out, and then later leads to Alana spewing up in class as he stomach finally rejects our 20th century processed food.
The remainder of the shows humour usually comes courtesy of two "stock" characters, Petey, Jennys younger brother (standard annoying pre teen boy type) and Eddie (standard clueless goon type), both of whom go through a series of bungles and misadventures over the course of both series' .

The series now looks really dated, but, thanks to its time travel theme, this is perfectly ok, as all the scenes in 1990s Australia are authentic, although the visions of the future do have that distinctive "wobbly set" feel to them, and are properly representitive of what people in the early 90s thought the future would be like.

Another odd thing is that although Silverthorn is made out to be a big badass villain, some lines of dialogue in the 5th episode of the series illustrate that although he wants to exploit his knowledge of the future for his own personal benefit, his intention is on the whole, good, as he wants to stop the world from becoming the radioactive hell hole that it became by his time, this is probably the first time I saw a villain on TV that had this kind of noble purpose hidden behind ruthless ambiguity.

I have fond memories of this series, as it approaches the subject matter in an intelligent and entertaining way, without being condescending in some manner as shows like this intended for children end up being these days, although that said some of the episode "cliffhangers" were a bit daft

Serial offender - "Spellbinder" (1995 CITV)

Yeah, changing tack slightly from the norm, heres a series that aired on CITV.

"Spellbinder" was a 1995 Sci-Fantasy serial (26 Episodes) made as a co-production between the Australian children's film foundation (many of whose shows were a staple of kids TV in the UK during the 90s) an Polish broadcaster Telewizja Polska.

The series doesn't really star anyone you've ever heard of, although the parts shot in the "Spellbinder World" (all scenes of which were shot in Poland) star some famous names associated with Polish TV and films, The Australian scenes though (our world)  don't contain anyone of any real note, unless you count actress Heather Mitchell, who had a small part in the film "Muriels Wedding".


The story involves Paul, a teenage boy with a penchant for amateur science falling through a portal into a parallel dimension, created when a prank involving a lodestone outcrop and some high voltage cable goes a bit wrong.
The world he ends up in is ruled by an elite known as the "Spellbinders", people who use their fantastic powers to rule over the people of their land by fear, especially through the use of their "flying ships" and their power suits, which allow them to hurl bolts of energy at will.
At first, Paul thinks he has somehow travelled back through time, however when he sees the Spelbinders powers he recognises them for what they are...scientists who misrepresent their crude understanding of science as magic.
His adventures bring him into conflict with the spellbinder Ashka and her sycophantic apprentice Gryvon, who want to use Pauls knowledge of science (which, even though he only has a basic understanding of it, is actually more advanced than theirs in many ways) to help them create crude gunpowder weapons so she can conquer the world etc.
Over the course of the series it becomes apparent that the Spellbinders are not as evil as Paul and his native friend Rianna thought they were, so Paul helps them to put a stop to Ashkas evil plans.
About half way through the series, Paul manages to return home, only to have Ashka follow him and then try to use the science of our world to build an improved version of the power suit (which can now fly and is not susceptible to being shorted out by getting wet) and to acquire weapons to use back in her own world.
As it turns out, the "Spellbinder world" was once much more advanced than our own, but at some point in the past, a terrible disaster (implied to be a massive nuclear accident) sent the world into darkness, thus the spellbinders that survived decided to withhold their knowledge from the other survivors, but over time their own knowledge is diminished, tot he point at which they are now no longer capable of manufacturing new machines. To hide this, a series of laws are enforced which forbid the common people from inventing anything new or pursuing knowledge.

The story is nothing new, but, I have yet to see anything else with a similar premise and definite steampunk leanings appear on TV.
One other thing I like about this series is that many of the science concepts used are actually real science, and explained as such in a way that is educational and entertaining, even the parts that are science fiction are based somewhat on theoretical science, mostly the application of magnetic fields.
Oddly, even though CITV began airing this show in the summer of 1995, they only showed the first 13 episodes, meaning the series never aired in full in the UK, thus the only means of seeing the series in its entirety is via bootleg methods.


A second series, named "Spellbinder: Land of the Dragon Lord" followed in 1997. Although this second series is along the same lines as the first, the only returning characters were Ashka and Gryvon, and documented the discovery of a third alternate dimension, which resembles a high tech version of ancient china.

Serial offender - "Earthfasts" (CBBC 1994)

The early to mid 90s seemed to be a golden age for CBBC, especially considering the amount of serials they produced and/or screened in the sci-fi/fantasy genre, there seemed to be so many of them coming one after the other at one point, although not all of them were particularly memorable...
This weeks delve into this murky world of CBBC serial drama finds me stumbling across an ill remembered one...Earthfasts...

Eeh by gum, this ones set in Yorkshire, ah tell thee lad!....
*ahem*, Based on the 1966 book of the same name, this five part series stars a pre-Eastenders Paul Nicholls and no one else of any importance, well, other than Bobby Knutt as a secondary character, in a strange mix of fantasy and time travel drama which incorporates elements of Arthurian legend.

The story begins when two friends, Keith and David, are exploring the moors near their home, when they suddenly hear a drumming noise as they get near a sheer rock face.
As they investigate, the rock face opens up and a boy emerges, dressed in an old fashioned military uniform and carrying a drum in one hand and a candle in the other. The boy introduces himself as "Nellie Jack John" (basically, an old fashioned way of saying 'John, son of Nellie and Jack'). Keith and David find Nellie Jack John to be odd, he speaks English, with a Yorkshire accent, but his use of words seems old fashioned.
As it turns out, Nellie Jack John is from the year 1745, and had gotten lost in a cave system that ran underneath the local castle while he was searching for treasure that was supposedly buried under the hill. The event is recorded in local history and states that Nellie Jack John, or more properly, "John Cherry", was never found.
Nellie Jack John refuses to believe that he has emerged in the year 1993, and makes for his home in a nearby village, only to find that it has completely changed. Disheartened, he decides to return to the rock face and try to return to his own time, however he has lost his candle (Keith threw it away earlier) so David gives him a torch, then Nellie Jack John re-enters the rock face and tries to return home.
Afterwards, David and Keith find the candle, which is still burning despite being left in the undergrowth next to the road for several days, and they also find it odd that the candle gives off cold instead of heat, and never seems to burn down either, remaining the same length at all times.
Things start getting weird when they visit a stone circle, known locally as "The Jingle Stones", only to find that the standing stones, or "Earthfasts" as they were once called, seem to be moving by themselves, and then they begin noticing various magical creatures inhabit the area, including a stone giant, and a bogart. Very soon though, other mysterious events begin happening, all of which seem connected to Nellie Jack John and his mysterious magic candle.


"Earthfasts" is an interesting enough mystery type story, albeit a rather slow paced one and a little disturbing in some places. It does seem however that sometimes the "Yorkshire" aspect of the show is overplayed to the point at which it almost seems to be a caricature or stereotype, with everyone always giving it an "aye" and "t'mooars" etc etc, almost as if the screenplay was written by someone who had only ever experienced Yorkshire by watching Emmerdale.

Still, they don't make em like this no more.

What the actual fuck? - Gymkata (1985)

I've watched some shit in my time, but before now, even the crappiest of B-movies has had some charm in it somewhere, as though you can see what they were trying to do, but failed due to low budgets, poor acting, incompetent writers, studio/producer interference, or a combination of all of these and more....

And then there's Gymkata....


1984 saw 2 things happen, both of which had a significant impact on world history..

1. The 1984 Summer Olympics, held in Los Angeles. In which all of the Soviet Bloc countries (apart from Romania..the backstabbing dogs!) boycotted in response to the US led snub of their Olympic games held in the summer of 1980.Being as there weren't any commies BASTARDS at this event, the good old US of A did quite well in many areas where they normally get their asses handed to them by the reds, gymnastics being one of them.
2. "The Karate Kid" hit cinemas worldwide, and sparked a renewed interest in Karate and its associated martial arts tomfoolery, the likes of which hadn't been seen since Kung-fu films went out of fashion in the late 70s.

So, what do you get if you add sudden interest in Olympic level gymnastics to a sudden mass interest in martial arts, and sprinkle on a healthy dose of misplaced patriotism?....

                                                   Metro Goldwyn-Mayer Presents:-

Holy shit!, is that the grip of a massive sword?, or maybe the shaft of a vicious spear or heavy war hammer?...nope...its a pair of parallel bars, and the opening sequence, to the accompaniment of some ominous sounding double bass music tells us this is gonna be one dark ass film...

"Starring" (lol, that's the loosest use of the term I can possibly think of) Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas,  who shot to fame after winning the gold medal at the 1984 Olympics..oh wait, no, he didn't, he never won any Olympic medals, in fact, the only Olympics he participated in was the 1976 Olympics held in Montreal, where he didn't win any medals either (his best gymnastic achievement to date is being the first American male to win gold at the 1978 Gymnastic world championships held in Strasbourg. He won the gold for "Floor Exersize", that's the one where they do cartwheels and somersaults on a carpet and the gold goes to whoever manages to do a 5 minute routine without slipping, wobbling or tripping themselves up).

The film also "stars" Tetchie Agbyani, yeah you remember her, that actress whose name just rolls off the tongue who was also the star of...erm...ooh...er...ill get back to you on that one....

So, while the hero of this film performs a bit of work on the parallel bars, we are also treated to various cut scenes of horses ridding along some sort of beach/sandy river..

..oh no, wait, its marshland...sayyy, are those guys riding them a gang of  fearless knights on their way to save someone from the clutches of evil?....

..there he is, the bastard!, geddim lads!, show him that wearing bright green trackie bottoms is an affront to all that is holy in medieval Europe...wait, what?..guys on horseback, carrying swords...in this day and age...dafuq?

..budget Conan here appears to be their leader...I assume they are a tribe of mighty viking warriors or something....

awww, shit, they're ninjas....

Anyway, the horse riding ninjas, and their leader "poundland-Conan", chase the guy in the green trackies to what appears to be the remains of a rope bridge. Trackies proceeds to try and cross the divide by shimmying over the ropes, however....

HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET THERE???...

...oh shit..

"cant we just all get along?"

"well I'll take that as a firm 'No' then, good day to you sir!"..and with that, "Green Trackies" seemingly falls to his doom...

So, back at the gymnasium, our hero for this film completes his routine to thunderous applause, but, as he runs back from the performance area, he notices someone in the crowd is eyeing him up...

no, not the woman with scary dead eyes, but the man who is having a bad hair day...you know he must be important, because as our hero walks past, "hair man" stops his entourage from following him....

Hey hang on, the man on the left is our gymnast hero, and doesn't that guy on the right look a bit like the man wearing the green trackies from earlier?.....AHMAHGERRRDDD!, you know what this means?, they both have their beards and hair done by the same stylist!1!11!1!!11!one!1!

Alas,no, nothing so mundane. As it turns out, "Green Trackies" is in fact "Gymnastic guys" dad, not only that, but "Green Trackies" was also a super duper double top secret ninja commando agent for the SIA.....no, not the Security Industry Authority, the "Secret Intelligence Agency" (you know, I really hope that somewhere in the CIA archives is a letter, penned by someone important, that specifically forbids the makers of this film from using the acronym CIA, or associating them with this film in any fashion...cuz that would be the ultra-lulz).
Yeah, so agent bad-hair informs Gymnastic-guy that he is about to embark on a two month training program that will make his Olympic training seem like finger painting, with some assistance from...

 ..what looks like a budget Mr.T and a chubby looking Bruce Lee...seems legit...

Bad-hair then shows Gymnastics-guy some pictures of what appear to be some people at a medieval re-enactment event..oh no wait, they're inhabitants of a country called "Parmistan", a small mountain country on the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan, one of the pics is of Budget-Conan (Booo!, Hiss!) whose proper name is "Zamir", who apparently intends to overthrow the rulers of Parmistan and "sell the country to the other side" (he means the Russians).Bad-hair goes on to explain that normally, Team America (fuck yeah!) wouldn't give 2 fucks about a backward little shithole like Parmistan, except for the fact that its location would be reyt good for a satellite tracking station, one which could be used to detect and destroy the evil communist nuclear missiles, so that Team America can attack back with their own good and virtuous nuclear missiles, which would definitely be a good thing, gawd bless ya it would.

*ahem*

so, Gymnastics-guy asks what his part in all this spy shenannigans is, and Bad-hair explains that once a year, the country of Parmistan forces all foreigners within its borders to participate in "The Game".
As it turns out, "The Game" is basically a free for all where foreigners have the choice of running for their lives, or getting brutally murdered, cos, you know, that's what happens in all countries other than America (fuck yeah!).
Gymnastics-guy asks why Team America doesn't just send in a large, heavy handed military force to kick the yokels into touch, but Bad-hair replies that direct action isn't currently fashionable, so therefore, Gymnastics-guy will have to enter Parmistan and win this years Game, which if he does, he will be allowed to live, and will get one wish, that wish, Bad-hair says, will be to demand that the ruler of Parmistan allow Team America to turn Parmistan into a primary target for Soviet nuclear weapons by allowing them to build the tracking station there...oh, and just to sweeten the deal, Bad-hair reveals that no foreigner has won "The Game" in over 900 years...and that Gymnastics-guys Dad was there on the SIAs behalf to compete in the game, but got horribly killed because they sent him on mission without actually briefing him on what to expect... 

Gymnastics-guy scoffs at this plan, says its the dumbest thing he has ever heard and tells Bad-hair to go fuck himself before grabbing his coat and leaving...*roll credits*

No, sorry, wishful thinking there, no, in fact Gymnastics-guy, overcome with patriotism, and wanting to get revenge for the alleged murder of Trackie-Dad by Budget-Conan, whole heartedly agrees..because hes an idiot.
We then get introduced to princess RuPaul..

..who has somehow escaped Parmistan and is now acting as an advisor on "The Game", although she wasn't around when Trackie-Dad was doing his training, you know, cuz that would have been "useful"
Gymnastic-Guy assumes because shes foreign and he's American, she will therefore find him overwhelmingly attractive, oops, you wrong there boy!..

(His face is saying "oh man, this reminds me of that time Coach asked me if I was open minded when it comes to sex..*shudder*)

...So, we are then treated to a montage of "Training scenes", in which Gymnastics-guy shows chubby Bruce Lee he can climb stairs while walking on his hands (not sure how useful that's gonna be when you have a load of pitch fork wielding yokels chasing after you...) , and engages in Karate fights with Budget Mr.T, all while Mistress RuPaul watches him from a window, and occasionally threatens him with a knife....

(I presume she does this because Gymnastics-Guy has a habit of always walking in on her while shes in the shower/on the toilet with his dick in his hand...will have to wait for the directors cut of this movie to see if its one of the missing scenes though)

Soon enough, the two month training is over, and its time that Gymnastics-Guy got off to Parmistan to get himself killed for the good of Democracy!, its also round about this time that Mistress RuPaul stops threatening him with a knife, mind you, who wouldn't when confronted with this every morning?....

                                                                   "How YOU doin'?"

(Readers should note: At this point we are only 11 minutes into the actual film..just let that sink in a little...)

(What the fuck?, right, looks like I'll have to dig out my old P.E Kit, never thought of trying this angle before...)

(oops, looks like I was wrong about the "not threatening with knives" thing..oooh, Feisty!)
*Ahem*...Anywayyyy...

Bad-Hair explains that Gymnastics-Guy will be taken to the border town of "Caramel", from there he will be met by Colonel Mackrel, who will supply him with some super duper secret spy gadgets for him to cheat with, er, sorry, use, in "The Game". Although bad-Hair is quite thorough in his briefing, Gymnastics-Guy has other things on his mind...

         "Jagshemash, I make the sexy time with number one Parmistan prostitute!, Chinque!"

Gymnastics-Guy arrives in Caramel, and is met by Colonel Mackrel, known as "The Stork"...

"Hi, I'm Colonel Mackrel, aka, 'The Stork'."
"..and they call you The Stork because?"
"Because fuck you that's why!, also the dickheads that own this boat spelt 'Mediterranean' wrong, god I hate this country, full of fuckwits and inbred morons..Afternoon Princess RuPaul, are you glad to be back home?"

Mackrel supplies Gymnastics-Guy with a magic axe that can cut any metal, and a knife that can shoot a blade out..that's because guns aren't allowed in Parmistan, you know, because they're backward and all that and they think gunpowder is some sort of evil sorcery...heh heh, dem whacky foreigners!.
So, Gymnastics-Guy and Princess RuPaul nip into the town to take in a few sights, accompanied by two SIA agents.
Things soon go awry though, when this happens...

Hmm, how unlikely is that?, the locals don't particularly care for Americans, you know this is definitely a fantasy film, because as we all know, people in the Arab world absolutely love Americans.....

So, Gymnastics-Guy takes off in hot pursuit of the man carrying a longbow, alas though, he runs into a bit of trouble...

OOOH-EE!, they look like some badass muthafukkaz, and they don't seem to like his awesome red jumper, what is Gymnastics-Guy gonna do?...

well, first he seems to send 2 guys reeling with a well timed fart in their general direction...

..then hes going to do a back flip and bring his out stretched right leg into light contact with this guys arm..

...then he does a cartwheel, followed by a reverse somersault, the awesomeness of which causes the guy in the black jeans to fall over for no apparent reason...

..he then finishes Jeans guy by hitting him over the head with one of the conveniently abandoned boxes..
Ah-ha!, theres more though, two more guys pop up out of nowhere and grab our hero, so he responds by....

..lightly pushing them into the wall, probably to demonstrate to them that their foreign plastering quality is inferior to American plastering standards!..he then finishes of one of the guys on the ground with an elbow slam and kicks another guy in the nuts...
I'm not quite sure how to interpret this scene..oh I know!, the guys he was fighting were actually an SIA anti-communist unit, and they mistook our heroes smart red jumper as a sign that he was planning to defect to the Soviet Union, so they decided to teach him a lesson in whose political philosophy was the correct one...

("Tell my wife I..I..left her housekeeping money under the teapot her grandmother gave us on our 5th wedding anniversary..*ugh*")

..by murdering the other SIA bodyguard and kidnapping Princess RuPaul..THE FIENDS!...Gymnastics-Guy returns to Colonel Mackrel and reports the bad news...

(Mackrel -"It seems that Budget-Conan knows every step we take, and you seem to be standing on a lower step than I am."
Gymnastics-Guy - "Not for long, because when I grow up, I'm going to kill him!"
Mackrel - "Son, the only thing you can kill is my uncontrollable lust for having sexual congress with short blonde boys who wear red jumpers and who try to combine gymnastics with karate and expect it to actually be a good form of martial arts")


Gymnastics-Guy decides he will rescue his mistress, even though Mackrel warns him that she is likely being held in a fortified building in the heart of the city..Gymnastics-Guy, driven by a sense of honour, and the fact that he hasn't had his jimmy whacked since he set foot in Asia, ignores these warnings...

Shit..they Really don't like red jumpers round these parts do they?...oh well, time for "Plan B"...

No!, not that Plan B, although he does look like hes more capable of dealing with these assholes than our hero, I meant this "Plan B"..

..oh look, is that a parallel bar that looks like it has been recently affixed to that wall..wait, hes not gonna..aww shit son.....

"Look mum!, I'm a monkey!..ooh ooh ooh! aah aah aah!"
"Humphrey J Gymnastics-Guy!, get down from there at once!, you're making an idiot of yourself!"
"But muuuuuuuuuum!"

*WHACK!*...*BIFF!*...*EE-YOW!*..*KER-UNCH!*

"Oops, sorry dude, thought you were one of these assholes who doesn't appreciate my fine American red jumper..."

With the bad guys dealt with and only 22 minutes into the film, Gymnastics-Guy heads back to the fortress of evil,  which is now pretty much totally unguarded being as he just used the monkey bars to kick their heads in (literally!).

                                           "I thought guns weren't allowed in this country?"

"Er..its not a gun, its an, erm...ooh...ah yes its a special cooking utensil!..*phew!*, that could have caused some problems if the police came sniffing round!"

                                         (This guy doesn't get nearly enough screen time...)

                                              (See, all he wants is a cuddle...fucks sakes)

"Say 'ello to my lil friend!"

NOOOOOOO!, he only wanted a cuddle!...YOU BASTARD!....

So after Princess RuPaul rescues herself, she joins up with Gymnastics-Guy and they make a run for it, chased by some dudes who also have "special cooking utensils" that look a lot like WW2 surplus MP40 sub-machine guns. the chase quickly ends when the bad guys manage to crash the car they are driving....

Meanwhile back at super secret spy HQ...

                              "No one will ever discover that I listen to Radio 5...no one..."

Mackrel mistakenly gives in to the primordial urge against the colour red and empties the magazine into Gymnastics-Guy, Princess RuPaul screams......*roll credits*....oh no, that's wishful thinking again...

No, Mackrel invites them inside, Gymnastics-Guy fills him in on the fact that the bad guys were waiting to ambush him...and as it turns out, Mackrel is a TRAAAAIIITTOOORRRRR!!!!

 "Oh, hey Bad-Hair, whassup?"
"Nuthin'"
"Oh, thats cool"

So, with this bit of the story wrapped up, and several bad guys killed..its time to move on to the real story...oh yeah, it turns out the bad guys werent objecting to our heroes choice of clothing, they were actually in league with Budget-Conan...so for now, the red jumper of justice is safe!..hurrah!...

                                                       "Worst...Donkey Ride...EVER!"


(at this point we are 31 minutes into the film...)

Princess - "Next year, we are going to Alton Towers!"
Gymnastics-Guy - "But babe, I thought you said you liked adventure holidays"
Princess - "Fuck you asshole, fuck you and your red jumper!"
Gymnastics-Guy - "Hey bitch, don't diss the red jumper, last guys that did that, they done ended up dead..."

So, finally our hero makes it to where "The Game" is to be held, only to find a gaggle of horse riding ninjas waiting for them!

OH NOES!...well, despite the fact that the ninjas all have swords and spears and axes and swords and spears and everything, he manages, despite the fact that there are no monkey bars for him to use, to fight them all off...that is of course until one of them conks him over the head with piece of wood....

                                                       "BANG!..and the dirt is gone!"

                                                    ...Budget-Conans fortress of evil...

Our hero awakens to find himself being looked after by what Americans think a sterotypical english woman looks like..

"Cor blimey!, the master says if I looks after you good, ee will get me some more stuff to black me teef out wiv to make it look like i ant got none!..apples and pears, what ho!, etc"

Its then when our hero first comes face to face with Budget-Conan, who basically does the whole comic book villain thing by being overly hospitable, but with menacing undertones!..oooh!. Simply put, he will meet the ruler of the country, then have dinner, then he will have to start running for his life, oh, and RuPaul is back with her father. It is then implied that our hero has sexy time with his black toothed serving wench (I'm guessing this was another scene which ended up on the cutting room floor)

When our hero meets the king, the rules are explained...the players, all seven of them, have to complete a series of obstacles whilst traversing some really rough terrain, which will probably lead them to a horrible death..after they have done that, they must then get through "The village of the damned", which will probably lead to a horrible death..then after they've done that, all that lies twixt them and the finishing line is a 5 mile run through "the swamp of ultra murder-death-kill" (i made that name up)...all hail the wise and benevolent king!

                                                   OZ, The Great and Powerful...asshole

To show his people he can be merciful, he allows three prisoners under sentence of death to try the "Game" course, with the winner being set free..
Of course, being only mere prisoners, they are soon hunted down and killed by the Kings ninjas...

At the great feat that night, the contestants are entertained by some traditional Parmistanian diversions, such as guys sticking needles into themselves, and ninjas hitting each other with butterfly nets...riveting stuff...
The contestants discuss the "Village of the damned", which as it turns out, is where the king exiles all the people who are criminally insane, oh, and they are all cannibals...The king then announces princess RuPaul is to marry Budget-Conan...this pisses our hero right off, so much so that he foregoes another sexy time session with his serving wench and orders her at knife point to take him to number one prostitute in all a Parmistan, Princess RuPaul!..the serving wench being number two prostitute..

 He tries to convince her to escape with him, but she refuses, as she has learned of his sexy time with number two prostitute and demands he prove he has not caught cheesy-dip by competing in the Game, oh, and also if they escape it means that the rules of the game will be ignored in favour of a full on hardcore manhunt, which will probably result in a horrible death for both of them....

The Game begins the following morning, and Gymnastics-guy manages to slip and fall mere feet from the starting line..he is then crudely hacked to death by the kings ninjas...RuPaul screams...*roll credits*... no, wait, there goes my furtive imagination again...no, he gets up, dusts himself off and starts running...*sigh*....BUT WAIT!..Budget-Conan, who is angry that Gymnastics-Guy is wanting in on his fanny action, decides to defy the kings orders and sets off to pursue the contestants before the king gives permission!, naughty boy!



(we are now 50 minutes into the film...and the real action is only just beginning!)The contestants reach the first major obstacle, The Rope Climb Up The Cliffs of DOOOOM! (i made that name up). Gymnastics-Guy, using his awesome leg flailing rope climbing technique, manages ot make it, one of the other contestants..well, he doesn't fare too well..

Yeah, two arrows up the arse isn't usually the mark of a winner..RIP contestant #1...whom henceforth shall be called "Herbert".
Not content with killing Herbert, Budget-Conan sets Gymnastics-Guys rope on fire, from the bottom, and then watches as the flame slowly climbs up the rope as our hero frantically flails his legs, but, thankfully, our hero escapes, although he finally realises how corrupt the game is when the ninja-judge at the top of the cliff refuses to kill Budget-Conan for breaking the clearly defined but somewhat vague rules....asshole!

Gymnastics-Guy runs through some woods, and meets another contestant who, despite supposedly being a world class ninja commando athlete hard man, has pulled a muscle in his leg..the ninjas move in and...

..RIP contestant #2, whom I shall call "Roderick"..he got shafted..huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh...ah well...

The contestants then reach the "Gorge of eternal darkness", and begin shimmying across on the ropes..all except this guy..

He got cut off in his prime....huhuhuhuhuhuhuh, RIP contestant #3, whom I have named "Wilbur"...

Gymnastics-Guy arrives next, but just as he nears the other side, Budget-Conan cuts his rope....our hero falls screaming to his death, smashed into a bloody pulp on the rocks below...*roll credits*... aww shit, no, he escapes this one as well, and manages to use his gymnastic skills to outwit the sword wielding ninja who is waiting to dish out a "Wilbur special" at the other end, instead sending him screaming to his death, smashed to a bloody pulp on the rocks below...


Out in front, the leading competitor, a Chinese looking guy I've named "Keith", for some unknown reason decides to stop and engage in a fist fight with the second place competitor, a rather large muscly man whom I have named "Bert". Keith and Bert exchange karate moves, however things dont bode well for Keith, as Bert proves to be superior at fisticuffs, and then decides to strangle poor Keith with his belt..

RIP Keith, you wanted to be the best, but you couldn't defeat the rest, oooh!, dedications what you needed..you coulda been a record breakerrrrrrr..yeaaaahhhhhhh-ah!.

Gymnastics-Guy follows Bert up a steep hill and further into the woods, however Bert, the cunning devil, is laying in wait for our hero, and ambushes him!..the BASTARD!.
In the ensuing fistfight, our hero triumphantly rips Berts cardigan...however, things don't go too well for Bert this time, as our hero uses his super gymnastic hearing skill to sense a ninja sneaking up on them, and promptly dodges an arrow, which hits Bert in the chest..

RIP Bert, you lovable backstabbing cunt you!.

Gymnastics-Guy forges on deeper into the woods, but finds Budget-Conan waiting for him, with a group of ninja archers!, thankfully, once again our heroes gymnastic hearing skill allows him to dodge into cover at just the right moment to ensure his internal organs aren't rudely penetrated by a hail of arrows! (yeah, its a little known fact that after about 10 years or so of gymnastics lessons, each gymnastics teacher sends one pupil for "special training". Sometimes this special training can end up with you being molested, however sometimes, the more reputable teachers will not use the training sessions as an excuse for sodomy and will actually teach you how to do gymnastic hearing, although it only seems to work when you have white Arabic ninjas firing arrows at you in the woods...still, useful skill to put on your CV I suppose).

Yes, no one can stop our hero from being reunited with his red jumper!...well, maybe except for the village of the insane flesh eating lunatics that is!...(I absolutely adore the word "Lunatic", nobody uses it any more and that is a crying shame)


With only three contestants remaining, the Game nears the end of its first day, and our hero makes it safely to "The Village of the misunderstood people who suffer from a different, but no less valid, moral compass who actively choose to manifest this by engaging in cannibalism"...

..wait..is that a goat?...is there no depths of depravity these lunatics (yay!, i got to use it twice) wont sink to?..also, that water pump looks suspiciously like a pommell horse...agh!, thats just me being over sensitive, I'll wager it will have absolutely no bearing on the story from here on in...

Anyway, our hero heroically marches on through the village, which seems quite nice actually, if you ignore the booby trapped door that makes a grid of spikes fall down on anyone who approaches it, and the people who hang around looking creepy, and the guy who is ominously sharpening a HUGE FUCKING SCYTHE...anyway, soon enough, Gymnastics-Guy runs into a rather confused looking man, who appears to be wanting to show him his new sickle, our hero, who has obviously never heard of the concept of "Care in the community", stands by and idly watches while the confused man accidentally chops off one of his own hands with the sickle...at no point did our hero intervene and inform the man it was dangerous to use sharp objects without proper PPE, what an absolute cunt, my respect for him is dropping by the minute!...

Our so called "hero" then rounds a corner to find a stray dog drinking from what appears to be a spilled pool of cherryade..

Ooops!, RIP contestant #5 ("Binky"), maybe next time you'll learn how unsafe it is to run whilst carrying sharp objects!

Gymnastics-Guy then runs into the village chapter of the Women's institute...

But, him being a bit of a dick, doesn't appreciate it when one of them notices a pulled thread on his lovely blue jumper, and tries to cut it off using her pen knife, so he punches her and continues walking...twat...
Just then, the local vicar drops in (literally), and tries to make our hero feel better by giving him a hug from Jesus..

..But no, our hero doesn't have time to worry about his eternal soul, and conveys his displeasure, by kicking the vicar in the cloisters... (seriously, all these people have done since he came to their town is be nice to him, and he keeps being violent, its leading me to wonder who exactly is the lunatic here...3 times :D ).
Our hero keeps exploring, and runs into an old friend...

Gymnastics-Guy - "Oh hey Bert, hows it going, I thought you were dead back there"
Bert - "Me?,aww no bruv, although I have had better days"
Gymnastics-Guy - "After we've finished here do ya wanna nip down the pub and sink a coupla jars and shoot a few racks of pool?"
Bert - "Oh I'd love to, but Emmerdales on for an hour tonight and the Mrs. gets a bit angsty if we don't watch it together, last time I missed an hour long Corrie she accused me of sleeping with double decker lil from down the road"
Gymnastics-Guy - "yeah, family always comes first mate, I can appreciate that, why do they call her double decker lil, if i may ask?"
Bert - "cos shes always got more room for one on top..geddit..phwooor!"
Gymnastics-Guy - "ooh, might pay her a visit if this thing twixt me and RuPaul doesn't work out"
Bert - "Well if you do, tickle her arse and see what she does!"
Gymnastics-Guy - "Oh Bert you old dog, your Mrs. was right wasn't she?"
Bert - "Me lips are sealed mate, me lips are sealed"....

So, after their touching reunion (again, i think that scene may have ended up on the cutting room floor) our hero forges on, where he finds himself being beckoned into a building by a..

..cheeky monk (obviously one of those bizarre fringe forms of Christianity....the ones that always seem to involve shagging somewhere along the line..) but just as he makes to enter, our hero is once again distracted by an enthusiatic local who really wants to show him his new hunting knife..our "hero" responds in the only way he knows how, by punching his lights out...

By now, the locals are getting a bit ticked off with this ruffian, who has done nothing but physically assault them every time they have tried to make him feel welcome, so, a group of them decide to chase after him with their pitchforks..Bert follows, but unfortunately he slips and finds himself on the recieving end of local mob justice..

RIP (again) Bert...don't worry, youre not missing out on anything by not watching Emmerdale, oh, and also, I have been shagging your Mrs, shes not as good as double decker lil, I can see why you keep taking all these deadly missions, I think I would too if I had to live with her.

So, by now the yokels are proper pissed off, and they manage to corner our hero in the town square...where he..oh shit, I owe myself a tenner..

..yes, he uses the towns water pump as a pommell horse and flails his legs around, which manages to beat back wave after wave of quite rightfully angry locals, who, in all fairness, are just defending their homes and personal property, not to mention themselves, from this uncouth thug.
He then makes a run for it, with a, now completely livid, mob chasing after him...they corner him and begin stabbing relentlessly, blood squirts out and the screen turns red...*credits roll*...DAMMIT I'M DOING IT AGAIN....*sigh*...

no, he manages to evade them and finds a narrow passage that he can climb up, in theory allowing him to climb over the wall which surrounds the town and escape to freedom, but just as he begins making headway, one of the kings ninjas appears......
.....and pulls him to safety.......DAFUQ?...so, the message here is that its ok to just turn up in a quiet little village, beat up the locals and destroy their property...what kind of fucked up country is this??

Anyway, as it turns out, the ninja is in fact, TRACKIE-DAD!....

Yes, he explains that, like Bert, being shot by an arrow at close range didn't kill him, neither did the fall on to the rocks below leave him smashed to a bloody pulp, although he did lose his marvellous green trackie bottoms somewhere along the line, and the use of his left arm...hes more pissed off about losing his trackies.


Back at the Palace, RuPaul tells the king that Budget-Conan is evil, and has built an army of white ninjas, loyal only to him, so that one day he can seize power and then sell the country to those evil commie bastards in the Soviet Union, who will then turn their country into a primary target for a nuclear weapons strike by building a satellite tracking station there. She insists that it is much better to allow the American to win the game, so he can ask for the king to allow Team America to turn their country into a primary target by building a satellite tracking station there instead!...she vows to help Gymnastics-Guy win, by any means necessary, which somehow involves her stripping down to her underwear right then and there....in front of her father...er, Ok...

We havent seen Budget-Conan for a while, so it comes as somewhat a surprise when he suddenly pops up and puts an arrow in Trackie-Dads back..again...

                                                                        *TWANG*

                                        "I say!, Budget-Conan is a bit of a wanker isn't he?"

(We are now at the 1 hour 22 minute mark..not much longer to go now..I promise..)

This is the final straw for our hero, who leaves his seriously wounded father where he was and takes off on a horse he stole from an unaware ninja. Budget-Conan and his ninjas give chase, but when they come to a gorge, only Budget-Conans horse will jump, meaning it becomes a one on one fight to the death..oh YEAH!....

Initially, Budget-Conan cheats by using a sword, but then he loses it due to bad dubbing, and it comes down to fisticuffs.
At first, Gymnastics-Guys puny karate punches and kicks are no match for Budget-Conans cut price muscles, but then our hero spots an area of open ground, and begins doing back flips, cartwheels and somersaults, all of which have a devastating effect on the low priced bad guy, and eventually, he dies as he lived...

....with his head crushed between a younger mans powerful but smooth thighs.....

Back at the palace, RuPaul and the king begin killing their own palace guard, before then rushing out into the street and ordering the general public to begin slaughtering the traitorous elite ninja commando army, which they do.
As the violence ends, a messenger rushes up and reports that someone is coming...and yep, its Gymnastics-Guy, with his half dead Trackie-Dad in tow...there is much rejoicing..

...........................................................................................................................................................

"Gymnastics-Guy and RuPaul got married and went on to have 64 children...all of which wore red jumpers, well, apart from their 39th child, who they called "Bert", he was a bit of a dick so they made him wear an inferior blue jumper."
"Trackie-Dad made a full recovery, although he never found his green trackie bottoms...he died at the age of 89 in a pool of his own faeces"
"The King lived for another 4 years, until the SIA decided he was a liability and quietly had him assassinated"
"Contestant #6 was never found, it is assumed that no one gave 2 fucks about him and he died of exposure"
"Shortly after Gymnastics-Guys triumphant return, the King received a strong letter of complaint about a ruffian who had invaded the Care in the Community village and caused much injury and harm to the inhabitants...the king, in his merciful wisdom, had the village burnt to the ground and the inhabitants crucified"
"Gymnastics-Guy never did find a use for the magic axe or the knife that shot a blade out, he found them years later in a box in his attic marked 'mementos'...he later sold them on E-bay and made a tidy profit"
"Gymnastics-Guy never got round to visiting double decker lil either...although I did, and I tickled her arse..wasn't as good a response as I was expecting to be honest...I'd say shes somewhat over rated to be honest, still, it wasn't a bad way to kill a Wednesday afternoon."


                                                                   *Roll Credits*

                                                              Yes, for real this time...

                                                                        "Terrible"??!!??...
                      THATS A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT...FUCKING WANKERS!